Haiku News, 3 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

California prevents ban on male circumcision

Nothing to fear here.
You are free as a bee to
chop off your cock sock.

—–

Suspicious package probed on Biden brother’s road

Suspicious package?
Ha! Is that a euphemism?
Probe this here package!

—–

Battlefield 3 Beta Impressions

Ooh, very shiny.
Shoot people and cuss on chat.
Please pass the Cheetos.

—–

Kanye West’s Fashion Show ‘Monumental,’ Ciara Says

‘Imma’ let you finish,
But seriously Kanye,
you make clothing now?

—–

Will Earth Be Struck By Massive Asteroid? Probably Not

Probably not, huh?
This news is as useless as
this fucking Haiku.

—–

Dead bee mystery has state officials buzzing

Buzzing? Are you for real?
Bee’s and Buzzing. Ha ha ha!
See what you did there!

—–

Occupy Wall Street Day 13, October 2, 2011

Grab your damn pitch-fork,
And fire up the propane grill.
Time to eat the rich.

Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

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Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

—

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

You Might Be A Douchebag

Now here's a real fucking D-bag! How dare she win!

by MICHELLE DEE

If you find yourself wearing your sunglasses indoors, with a suit jacket over your band T-shirt, obnoxiously chewing a stick of gum, you might be a douchebag.

If you are over 30 and still feel the need to flip the bird, throw up devil horns, or show off your Gene Simmons tongue in a photo, you might be a douchebag.

If you post a pic of yourself with a hot chick on a dating profile and fill in your interests as, sex, working out and racing up your pimped-out candy-painted Mustang, you might be a douchebag.

If you find yourself laughing maniacally, challenging an old lady with said pimped-out car at a stop light, you might be a douchebag.

If you are the type that winks at any cashier or waitress you hand your card to, you might be a douchebag.

If you are the guy doing a disappearing coin trick as your only means to connect with a child, you might be a douchebag.

Actually, fuck might, you ARE a Douchebag!

Do Reacharounds Count?

As close as I get to a smile around here

by PSEUDONYMOUS

Today’s WordPress Topic Of The Day is: “Share something that makes you smile.”

What makes me smile? Nothing. Especially not around here. Here is a blog with 50,000 words, covering an array of topics, and not a shit-stick worth of funny.

The only thing funny around here is Andrew Hicks‘ fetishes with Michael Bolton and Billy Ray Cyrus. Can we please have an article covering something you didn’t masturbate to in the 90’s?

And what’s with this Woo? This fucking tardsmarts really thinks we don’t see through his attempts at comedy? Tag it as satire all you want, guy — we all know you really do suck cock for Facebook access, and have an unhealthy obsession with Verne Troyer. I’m with Kanye West, I’ll be over at The Onion.

Man You Guys Ain’t Even Funny Man

by KANYE WEST

Yo We’re Not Funny!

I’m really happy for you!

I’ma let you finish, but The Onion has one of the best comedy sites of all time.

One of the best comedy sites of all time!

*shrug*