“You Are Currently Held In A Black Hole”

by TONY FYLER
edited by T. Allan Christopher

Hello? Anyone there?

I knew we should never have hired THIS guy!

If I’ve learned one thing this week, it is this: Don’t mess with web developers, they’re more powerful and more stupid than they know…

It was a Wednesday morning. Katie, our conference organiser, bursts into the office, all frantic energy and hair, and says, “We’ve got a bloke who can’t use the conference booking system on our website!”

“OK,” I said, “what’s up?”

“He’s from Germany,” she said.

“What?”

“He’s from Germany…”

“Ohhhhkay…”

“Apparently, Germany’s not listed as a country on our system,” she explained.

“Oh.”

“And it won’t let him be from anywhere else, ’cause his address details and phone code don’t match any other country…”

“Well of course not, he’s in Germany.”

“But he can’t be in Germany if Germany doesn’t exist. You can’t be somewhere that’s nowhere, and of course, you can’t be anywhere else, ’cause you’re in the country formerly known – and indeed currently known to most of the world – as Germany.”

“Tricky, I admit.”

“So we need to rebuild the Rhineland.”

“What, just you and me? I’m kind of busy this morning…”

“Dumkopf! Get on to the developers, and get on to them now, tell them to reinstate bloody Germany, so our bloke can officially be there.”

“Yawohl Frauleinn…”

Nursery Rhymes Are Stupid

by WOO

What is this one really about?

Ring Around The Rosies

Ring around the rosies
Pocket full of posies
Ashes ashes
ROFLPLAGUE!

———-

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are (You just said it’s a star, dumbshit!)
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky (Diamond? Have you taken geometry? You already said it’s a star!)
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are (Didn’t I just tell you?!)

———-

There Was An Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do
She gave them some broth, without any bread
Whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed

MODERNIZED:

There was an old hood rat who lived in the ‘jects,
She had eight children for the welfare checks
On the first of the month they ate upper class
by the 15th the kids whined about hunger, and mom beat that ass

How Not To Internet Date, 21 May 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the ones below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

This week we have three short pieces for you! Keep in mind, some guys are just morons right out of the gate, and the conversation never gets going.

RandyCool: HI…… howz u doing…. send me you conatct detailz… my ya…hoo id is… ravianXXX_99…….. talk to u soon…..

Michelle Dee:  I’mz doinz wellz. Am Iz uzin my Z’s properly? Iz don’t givez outz personal informationz untilz Iz knowz you better. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

———-

Exception:  Hi

Michelle Dee:   Exception to what?

Exception:    noone fits what you are looking for, except me Lol:)))

Michelle Dee:   What can you offer that no one else can?

*crickets*

———-

fclock2: In STL tonight ….wanna cuddle tonight?

Michelle Dee: Ummm… no?

fclock2: Really …cute boy willing to do anything :)

Michelle Dee: oh desperate AND creepy!

fclock2: Yikes …nevermind then

Garbage Ass: A Poem

by J.MIZ
as interpreted by WOO

—

its a little creepy
when i’m peeing,
Dwight (cat) will saunter in
to drop one of his
Lucifer deuces.
then when i look
in repulsion
his eye contact is so intense
it pierces me
and my soul can smell his garbage ass.

How Not To Internet Date, 27 April 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Commentary Provided by Michelle Dee

iwish: nice pic

Michelle Dee: Thanks you too

*typical to start out with a cheesy compliment but still well within the normal range*

iwish: so I’m curious have you had any luck yet on here?

*Now lets ask about previous encounters, like that should be any of your business or have any bearing on anything we may have together*

Michelle Dee: Nope… you?

iwish: nope not at all but sure do wish i had some company right about now thats for sure. so what are you up to. notice you put some new pics up. so what are you exactly looking for what i mean is are you on here to chat to talk to hook up what

*In reference to a picture of a female angler fish I put on my profile. Clearly this must contain some hidden message about what I’m looking for?*

Michelle Dee: To meet people and see where it goes.

Simple English

by WOO

• Shouldn’t words look more like what they are? Shouldn’t Mirror be MirrororriM?
• “I” before “E” except aft… No! FUCK YOU!
• What do you have to do to make the sound “onomatopoeia”?
• I don’t use no double negatives just for the attention.
• There are English words meant to confuse because they’re all alike in their sound.
• If you have more sense than a gnat, you would know when to use then.
• If I see another person refer to multiple homicides as a “cereal” killing I am going to serially rape them in the earhole.
• You cannot graduate an entity. You graduate FROM it. The same goes for released. You don’t graduate college, and you don’t get released prison. You graduate from college, and are released from prison.

How Not To Internet Date, 25 Feb. 2011

by Michelle Dee

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Dab1971: hello beautiful,how are you?

Michelle Dee: i’m ok

Dab1971: good, i am to since i heard from beautiful :)  so whats a good looking lady like yourself doing single?

Michelle Dee: well i was married.. then I divorced, so now I’m single.

Dab1971: lol, same as me,i was married for 10 yrs been divorced for 5 yrs

Michelle Dee: lol

Dab1971: so you date black guys

Michelle Dee: not currently

How Not To Internet Date, 18 Feb. 2011

by Michelle Dee

Being a girl on a social networking site you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter what your relationship status. I found so much humor in this that I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

andy60641:
ho im andy in chicago. why are you up so late?

Michelle Dee:
“ho”? fat finger syndrome? :P

andy60641:
no just calling you a ho

Michelle Dee:
Oh well, that’s not very nice. What’s the point?

andy60641:
im just kidding!

Michelle Dee:
hah…

How Not To Internet Date, 15 Feb. 2011

by Michelle Dee

Being a girl on a social networking site you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter what your relationship status. I found so much humor in this that I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

leftyboy:
hi im Glenn

leftyboy:
good morn sweety i just read ur profile n it seems we r interested in some the same things hit me up if u wanna talk but b4 5 cuz i gotta worl btw im Glenn

Michelle Dee:
did you read the part where I hate text speech?

leftyboy:
yes i did wat u saying want a phone number lol!

Michelle Dee:
No I’m saying I like words to be spelled out or to translate foryou”No i’m saying I like wordz 2 b spelt out.”

leftyboy:
ok im sorry i got ya im a lil new at this whole dating site thing

Michelle Dee:
the dating site has nothing to do with one’s cognitive functions;)

leftyboy:
ok smarty pants i said ill type full words for you laugh out loud!

You Have 326 Friends And 1 Robot

by J. MIZ

A few weeks back, I had a random chick friend me on Facebook. I don’t know her but probably should. We grew up in the same area and must have traveled in similar social circles. I am basically a Facebook whore now, in order to generate some readers for my blogging ventures. I barely look at my news feed and rarely look at a “friend’s” wall unless I’m on some type of stealth-like stalking mission. However, her updates, activities and likes are so dull I question if she’s truly human or not. Seriously, that kid Kip Drordy, from South Park, who had one friend… this chick makes him look like that Dos Equis Guy. Allow me to provide some examples:

• I hear my hometown is about to get a big snow storm.
• I’m at the movies right now.
• I am watching Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.
• I am watching Face/Off. (Wait, did I hit some Facebook time travel wormhole?!?!)
• I am watching Top Chef All-Stars.
• ~ Likes SIRIUS XM Radio. (Do ya? Do ya like it? Do ya?)
• I am watching The Social Network. (And OBVIOUSLY living the fucking dream, lady!)

The only reason her friendship is secured with me on Facebook is she has family members that are NOTORIOUS gang bangers back home, and she keeps “LEVELING UP” on Mafia Wars.

NIFOTK: Piperisms

NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS

Our Weekly Family-Friendly Sunday Segment

—

Piperisms

by CHANELL B.

 

Piper is my 6-year-old daughter. She has a wild imagination and often says many funny things unintentionally. The results are what you see below:

PIPER: Mommy, does this hotel have the food delivered to our room?
MOMMY: No, I don’t think so.
PIPER: Awww, I wish it did, ’cause I like servants!

–

PIPER: Why can’t Squidward (from Sponge Bob) just do a little love and stop bein’ mean all the time?

–

PIPER: There’s gonna be GALLONS of zombies at the zombie walk, isn’t there mommy?

–

PIPER: Look, mommy! Its a HERD of birds!!!

–

PIPER: Mommy, you have to lick it, and THEN you can stick it. You have to lick it before you stick it. Lick. Stick. Lick. Stick. Licksticklicksticklstlstlstlstlsticklstlstlickllllllll!!!

An Open Letter To An Old A-Hole

Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,

If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.

Best,
Anne Gardner

Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,

Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.

As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”

WNF Holiday Shopping Guide, Pt. 2

by We’re Not Funny as written by Woo

We’re back, with more amazing items for your perusal! This is more exciting than Cop Rock!

Yeah, you’re reading that correctly. I said yes already! Subtle Butt, ok? These rectangular strips of fabric and activated carbon are your stinky asses new best-friend. Or your best-friend’s stinky asses new best… chance at having more friends than just you? It’s not your fault you were born with no scent receptors, stop your whining! Forget your impotent smellbuds and think of someone else for a change! This compact fart filter is yearning to slide down the crack of your rancid ass right now. Your only other options are complete social ostracization, or shoving actual charcoal right into the starfish’s mouth. Save the charcoal for the grill, and get these for those bologna blocks you call an ass. And, hey, while you’re over there ordering cloth stickers for your budonk, why not look at a few of their other products: Knicker Stickers, Delicates Defender, Nipplomats, The Perk Up, Skid out, and Drip Sticks. You can’t write this shit folks.

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WNF Holiday Shopping Guide, Pt. 1

by We’re Not Funny

In this wonderful season of giving, we here at We’re Not Funny thought we would put together a special guide for you. Sometimes it’s just hard to buy for certain people. At times it’s our own creativity that stifles us when it comes to gift-giving. Other times we’re just selfish pricks who don’t give gifts. The list we’ve compiled for you would warm the heart of  Ebenezer Scrooge himself (The Donald Duck one, screw that Mr. Magoo Bullshit).

Don’t tell me you’ve never looked at your sandwich, and thought to yourself, “if only I could use this as a storage medium.” You lying twat!
Bonus: I like to pass them out to the hungry and homeless, just to watch their reaction.

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