Archive for ‘Strictly Satire’

November 30, 2011

I Wait on Famous People

by ANDREW HICKS

In 1957, Andrew Hicks serves Marilyn Monroe and Frank Sinatra a Chocolate Thunder From Down Under at the Outback Steakhouse in Springfield, Ill.

Last week at work, I thought I spotted the guy who played Craig’s dad in the Friday movies. Turns out it was one of the Isley Brothers. But it got me thinking, I’ve waited on a ton of famous people in my years as a server. Here are some highlights:

  • While still in server training at Long Horn, I had to cut Bob Dole‘s 6-ounce sirloin into tiny pieces tableside. You know, because of that whole dead-arm thing he has going on.
  • Not long after his gastric bypass surgery, I served Al Roker a grilled cheese from the kid’s menu. He ate two dainty bites and tipped me 135 percent.
  • As a young cocktail waitress, I served a round of peach schnapps shots to Jesus Jones.
  • I once laid out some paper towels for Ricky Martin during a restroom attendant shift at a seedy strip club called Chez Nutz.
October 13, 2011

Woo Stands Erect In Solidarity With Occupy Wall Street

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

October 6, 2011

Lesser-Known 2012 Presidential Candidates

Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

—–

Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks

September 13, 2011

12 Words Come Out of Closet

by ANDREW HICKS

After a press conference in which he announced he was gay, the word "Vivacious" leaps into the air, blissfully. "Vivacious," in addition to being homosexual, consists of conjoined nonuplets with nine pairs of eyes.

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

Assembled members of the media congregated near demonstrators holding signs with phrases like “Gay Word Pride” and “Spray, Delay and Walk Away,” the latter of which was apparently an instruction on how to properly apply cologne.

“I’m Vivacious. I’m an attractive and lively male word who just happens to be gay,” Vivacious told reporters after the press conference. “I’m taking this bold public step to inspire the new younger generation of words – ‘Frenemy’ and ‘Staycation,’ for example. Not that I think those words are gay.”

With increased awareness, said Vivacious, traditional barriers will continue to fall within the word community. In 1990, the only openly gay word was “Vogue,” but in 1999, the word “Super” was outed by the South Park movie and forced to follow suit.

“When ‘Super’ came out, I was in an unhappy marriage with ‘Flannel,'” said Pastiche, one of the words to come out at Tuesday’s news event. “But I’m no longer living a lie, and ‘Flannel’ says she’s happier now that she lives as a single woman with a female roommate.”

The Words Come Out event lasted an hour, with various gay words and their supportive friends and family adjourning to Starbucks after the event.

“This has parallels to the civil rights struggle,” said Fa’Shizzle, while sipping a venti-size Hot Caramel Apple Cider. “But you know what? Last year, I got added to their unabridged dictionary, right between ‘Factorum’ and ‘Fatigue.’ I heard ‘Fatigue’ mutter, ‘There goes the neighborhood,’ under his breath. Claimed he was joking.”

Statistics released by pro-homosexual group Words Against Damaging Defamation (or, WADD) state that up to 12 percent of words are gay or bisexual, with up to 15 percent of Spanish words being transgendered.

“I saw Chivalry up on that stage,” remarked Truculent, a single word in her late thirties. “I KNEW he was too good to be true!”

Truculent shook her head and stubbed out her cigarette. Behind her, Frappuccino and Sashay walked hand in hand out of the Starbucks broom closet.

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman and Eve Ventrella

September 11, 2011

Klan Kalls it Kwits?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

K3 recruitment drive starts at the top!

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. – Today, the Klu Klux Klan announced that it will be going through a bit of an identity change. Spokesman John “Chilli” Mac issues this statement, “After some bit’a consideration, we come to think the youths of today don’t find us hip enough to join up with.”

Membership is down over 85 percent since 1995. Mac blames this on the rapid growth and popularity of the Internet.

“Seems with all the message boards and social media to express your views on, the kids today are much more independent racists. Hell, my own 10-year-old boy would rather shout racial slurs into his Xbox microphone than come to a meet-up,” Mac stated.

With these things in mind, the decision came to re-brand the Klan. It seemed a natural fit to give it a new name, in the style of a web 2.0 business.

“From here on out we’re to be known as ‘K3: The Klan.’ The kids love it, ‘cuz you can make a K and a 3 with your hands. My kids run around hollerin’ “K3 Represent” and tossin’ the K3 sign up all the time.” It seems the irony of the hip-hop ‘gangsta’ culture seeping into Klan life has gone over the head of Mr. Mac.

Along with the name change, K3 has realized its sense of fashion is seriously outdated. Mac says, “We discovered that wearing our bedsheets out, especially after Labor Day, is just not hip at all.”

read more »

August 26, 2011

From the WNF Macro-brewery…

by ERIC DOHMAN with ANDREW HICKS, EVE VENTRELLA and J.MIZ

You know about our official line of We’re Not Funny T-shirts. Now get crunk WNF-style with our new product roll-out of eight beer brands, ranging in price from “dirt cheap” to “rigoddamdiculous.”

Miller Low Life: The Over-40 40!

****

This genie has been stuck in this bottle since 1979.

****

Australian For "Irrational Multicultural Adoption Fetish."

****

When "The Best" Is Just Too Damn Good...

****

Blue Poon: The Perfect Companion For Blue Balls.

****

Goes Down Like Milk.

****

Isn't it Time For Your Pabst Smear?

****

Lance Bass Pale Ale: Lighter Than Loafers!

August 8, 2011

Taco Liquors

by Eric DOHMAN
 
Irvine, Calif., June 24, 2011 – Taco Bell® is calling out to those ready to celebrate, who want to be the “life of the party,” and has announced the launch of an experimental store combining its immensely popular “Late Night” menu with an extensive liquor selection. The new entity is to be open 24 hours a day and is to be marketed as, “Taco Liquors.”To combat the impending rebuttal and outrage from groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), Taco Liquors is creating a new “Pink Taco” menu. “A minimum of 25% of the proceeds from the Pink Taco Menu will go directly to breast cancer research.” said Roger Eaton, Chief Executive Officer. The Pink Taco Menu will include new specialties, all served on pink hard and soft shells such as the: Tuna Taco, Skirt Steak Enchilada, Roast Beef Burrito, Head Cheese Chalupa and Pork Pudding Taquitos.Along with traditional liquors, Chief Operating Officer for Yum! Brands, Inc. Emil Brolick stated that Taco Liquors plans on accentuating their line up with such specialties as: Cockburn’s Port, Drysack Liquors, Fat Ass Tequila, Crystal Head Vodka, Black Bush Whiskey and Beefeater London Dry Gin.
Initial stores are to be launched this October in selected areas. Those currently announced are: Bernal Heights in San Francisco, CA, West Village in NYC, NY and West Hollywood, CA.Taco Bell® Corp. (“Taco Bell®”), a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc., (NYSE: YUM), is the nation’s leading Mexican-style quick service restaurant chain. Taco Bell® serves tacos, burritos, signature quesadillas, Grilled Stuft Burritos, nachos, and other specialty items such as Crunchwrap Supreme®, in addition to the Why Pay More® Value Menu. Taco Bell® serves more than 36.8 million consumers each week in nearly 5,600 restaurants in the U.S.

July 28, 2011

The Forgotten Parable

by TONY FYLER
edited by WOO 

[Editors Note: Words of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ here contained in red.]

And after Jesus and The Twelve had been in Jerusalem some days, they stopped one night, to rest themselves and wipe away the cares of the day in wine and bread. And being men of many stations and minds, the conversation then fell off, and all was quiet, each avoiding the other’s eye. And Simon Peter, who never could abide a silence, addressed the Lord, saying:

“For God’s sake, let’s liven it up a bit. Rabbi, tell us one of your stories.”

But Jesus did refuse him, saying,

“You’re kidding, right? Healing lepers not enough for you now?”

“Yes but-”

“Raising the dead?”

“It’s a showstopper, to be sure. I just asked if-”

“If I wouldn’t mind doing half an hour? What do you think this is, dinner theater?”

And Simon Peter was chastened, and said no more. But the Lord looked upon him with compassionate eyes, and sighed.

“One more then, just for you,” said the Lord, and Simon Peter’s heart was filled with joy.

The Lord paused for thought, and all eyes were upon him.

“Consider the dinosaurs…” he said. “They neither toil in the fields, nor do they-”

“The what?” said Judas Iscariot, interrupting.

The Lord turned to him, and his face was wroth.

“The dinosaurs,” he said again.

“What about them?”

The Lord sighed.

read more »

June 25, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

read more »

June 22, 2011

More Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • This season's trendy sheep costume for wolves includes fully functioning facial features and 400-threadcount Egyptian cotton.

    When life gives you lemons, rub one out and take a nap.

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.
  • Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.
  • It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!
  • Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.
  • It takes a village to run a brothel.
  • When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.
  • “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.
  • Music calms the glowsticked raver.
  • The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.
  • Man cannot live on meth alone.
  • “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.
  • Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.
  • Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.
  • The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.
  • Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.
  • Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.
  • Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.
  • All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.
  • Love thy brother as thyself. Dutch Rudders do not make you gay.
  • Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.
  • Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.
  • Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.

June 20, 2011

Rapture 2: This Time It’s Personal

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS


So where were you for the Rapture? Check this out for big hairy man-balls – not content with the whole “meeting Jesus in the clouds” thing, I got on a plane over the US and flew up to meet the dude at the Reality Turnpike.

Nothing. Nada. Not so much as a sacred sandal. Which leads me to a question: considering all the vast wealth accumulated by churches that follow the guy’s alleged teaching, has anyone thought about buying Jesus a really kickass alarm clock? Because he seems about as reliable as a twentysomething stoner after a major bong sesh. Hmm… note to self: contact Mel Gibson re: The Return of the Christ, starring Seth Rogen…

Dude, where's my apocalypse? DUDE!

Anyway, so there I was, thousands of feet in the clouds, waiting for His Nibs to make an appearance, and of course, abbbbbsolutely nothing happened. Well, technically, a couple of people tried to kill themselves or their loved ones (the logic of which is what, exactly? Avoiding the lines at the Pearly Gates?), but other than that, the world – just like Jesus – missed the memo that it was Game Over, and kept turning as previously advertised.

read more »

June 17, 2011

An Amazing New Product: Santorum Shit Bags

by ERIC DOHMAN and ANDREW HICKS
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

OAKLAND, CALIF. — The Clorox Company, parent corporation of Glad Trash Bags, is scheduled to launch a new specialty product line this week called Santorum Shit Bags.

The plastic Shit Bags, which resemble a four-gallon kitchen trash bag with holes, will be stocked in supermarkets and drugstores next to adult diapers. However, company execs are quick to point out that the Santorum Shit Bag is a completely new, innovative product.

“This is not a diaper, this is something that was pioneered by the indigent community. We thank them for their homeless, pantsless efforts,” said Clorox Corporation CEO Donald Knauss.

read more »

May 14, 2011

The Day After ‘Judgment Day’

"And what a lovely singing voice you must have..."

by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!

Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings.  They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.

The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.

read more »

April 28, 2011

A Little About Josh Fuller

Mark,

As I write this note, Josh is on the road to recovery, and I unfortunately have not kept in touch with the majority of the Hacienda restaurant community.  But Josh is made from the stuff of legends.  When I met him in the kitchen at Hacienda, we all worked together as grunts doing our part to supply the world with warm garbage burritos, while at the same time keeping the nastiest woman alive at bay. Her first name was Nancy; her last name escapes my memory, but her cackling, emphysema-ridden cough haunts my very soul.

What started as casual Halo playing soon turned into Josh hosting many a drunken festival.  He was the guy who had a party somewhere at his place, and if there already was a party, he was the afterparty, and if there already was an afterparty, then he was up at 6, running and working out.

Josh Fuller was Bill Brasky.

No door can be locked on Josh Fuller.  He will climb a two story house and crack open a window, break down the door with his head, or simply drive his car into it.

If you forget anything in your room in Las Vegas, don’t cancel those plans. Josh will simply run two miles in any direction and be back in five minutes with the desired item.

read more »

April 17, 2011

Who cooks their french fries in gasoline?

by MICHELLE DEE

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN AMERICA GOES TO HELL

  • Electricity is now a rare commodity – A nationwide outcry of “I’M BORED” is eerily heard in the night from America’s unplugged children.
  • The Internet has become even more rare – Tens of millions of Facebook and World of Warcraft addicts now turn to more attainable methadone to dull the effects of withdrawal.
  • Oil production ceases – The streets of America are filled with hilarious sightings of Fat-Former-French-Fry-Eating-Mofos on rusted little bikes.
  • Looting, violence, and protection of life and property are now the norm – Fear of crazy right-wing gun owners reaches an all time high, resulting in extreme hippie liberals becoming sought after with their arsenal of weapons and ammunition to combat this growing threat.
  • The end of digital music creates “The Lost Generation” – These people will be out of the loop with the “new” way of music, as cassettes and CDs make a huge comeback in battery-powered devices.
  • Extreme capitalism takes over – Biff Tannen becomes President.
February 11, 2011

DEF-a-nish-un

by JAMES DRAPER

“Reverse racism” is a term I have heard and read quite often recently. It is always used in the context of a minority having/showing racial hatred for whites. It is also fucking retarded.

First of all, isn’t it kinda racist to segregate the hatred from a race by naming it differently than another race? It’s just racism people! Don’t call it something else because some one else is doing it. They have the right to be “just plain racists,” like any stereotypical Southern hillbilly jackass.

Second, the term “reverse racism” is incorrectly defined. I believe “reverse racism” should logically be defined as
“aggressive racial acceptance.” Say a family whose ethnicity differs from yours moves into the neighborhood. You eyeball them as they pull up and start emptying their vehicles. Confidently, you watch from your yard. You shout things like, “We really LIKE your kind around here!” and “Hey! NEIGHBOR!” and “I HOPE to see you around!”

Although, in this case, it would probably work the same as regular racism. The new neighbors would get in their house, lock the doors, and talk about moving away from these crazy, too-friendly crackers.

February 10, 2011

Noah’s Conversation With God

by ANDREW HICKS

Oh, hey, what’s up, God? [PAUSE] Well, yeah, actually, I was asleep. It’s like three in the morning. [PAUSE] Right, right. Time doesn’t exist for you.

So what’s going on? [PAUSE] Humanity’s getting wicked? Yeah, I agree. You should see what people are wearing down here. [PAUSE]

And you’re going to do something about it? Like, what do you have in mind? [PAUSE] You’re going to drown everybody? You mean, like, drown them in your tender love and mercy so they’ll be drawn to righteousness? [PAUSE]
Oh, you mean drown them in actual water until they’re dead. Old Testament God stuff. Well, see, I don’t know, I think that’s kind of drastic. There’s some good people down here. Like me, you know, and my family. We’re cool. [PAUSE]

Name somebody else? Okay, well… what about Jedidiah? He’s a good man. [PAUSE] Covets his neighbor’s oxen? Hmm, well, you’ve gotta admit, Jedidiah’s neighbor has some pretty nice oxen. You know, as far as oxen go, those are good oxen. [PAUSE] Me? No,  not coveting, I’m admiring… yeah, it’s a thin line, I know.

Okay then, what about Tobias? [PAUSE] Tobias is a sodomizer? Oh, well, actually, some of our wives down here ask us to do that to them. There are a lot of nerve endings and– [PAUSE] Oh, not with women? With some guy named Jamal?

Alright, so what do you want me to do then? [PAUSE] Build a boat? [PAUSE] Big enough to hold two of every species of animal? That’s gonna take forever to build. [PAUSE] A hundred years? Holy cow, that’s a long time. [PAUSE] Right, holy TWO cows. That’s a funny one. You’re a funny guy.

I’m gonna have to get back to sleep now. I have a hundred-year building project to start in the morning. [PAUSE] I love you, too.

January 25, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 25, 2011

[Editors Note: This bitch crazy!]

Hey y’all.  I apoligize for the late post.  I had my cousins weddin to attend this weekend. Beauteful weddin at the First Baptist Church.  The whole family thought this was a long time comin.  They have been together off and on for 18 years, so we were all happy to see her hitched finally.  All 9 of her kids were in the ceremony and it was very touchin. Unfortunately her other baby daddy showed up at the American Legion (father of the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th babies) and made quite a ruckus at the receptin. That man is always reeking of beer and ciggarettes.  But anyhoo, he got all up in my cousins face, and in turn I told him my piece then his loud mouthed lady friend got all up in my face.  That trailer trash princess had put her hands on me and well… I needed a place to put out my ciggarrette.  I was ready to tear into her. Took 3 officers to escort me out. So that’s how I ended up in county lock up over the weekend. I just got released this morning after visitin with that handsome judge I often see at the American Legion singles dances. I think he fancys me.  But anyhoo, I’m here to answer questions and late or not thats what I’m gonna do.

—–

Dear Chevelle,

Yo C, I got a situation. I gots this roomate and he be ‘illin. Leaving his socks all on the floor and laundry piled up outside his door. He got dishes stacked up in the sink, and don’t do shit up in this piece. It’s like he’s waiting for his momma to come over and magically make it all disappear. I’ve mentioned it and he gets all hype on me, stompin’ off like a whiny little bitch. How should I approach this?

Peace,
Dissed In Denver

Dear Dissed,

Look Honey, never underestimate the power of your momma, and judgin by the way you talk- go for his big momma. You tell them and have them come over.  I always tell my kids you aren’t too big for me to bust your ass. Same goes in your case. If that don’t work I would suggest throwing his crap out on the lawn. He’ll pick it up then! I know thats right!

Dear Chevelle,

I have entered myself in this Miss Kentucky Beauty Pageant. I am super nervous about the questions they are going to ask me, and I wonder if you can provide any tips on how to represent us country girls proper-like!

Lost In Louisville

Dear Lost,

Sugar you need to cram. May I suggest Jepordy re-runs or for more current happenins and news type questions take some lessons off the good folks at Fox News.  When in doubt World Piece and the Children are our future. Damn I love me some Whitney Houston.  Oh and always remember… You can never have too much hair spray!

—–

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

January 17, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 17, 2011

Dear Chevelle,

I am looking for impartial advice from you.  My fiancé and I are getting married next month.  We have a 5-year old together.  My mother-in-law has always been good to me.  Until now.  She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque!  I was disappointed but agreed.   I gave her the list of who to invite and she says she is adding six of her family to the list.  She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them.  I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant.  Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner.  My fiancé and I agree that this our wedding and we should be able to have things the way we wish.  She has no right to dictate to us.  I do not want my mother-in-law to walk all over me.  I think I deserve an apology from her!

Stuck-Up In Saskatchewan

read more »

January 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle:

Hello. This is Clara Mae Jenkins, and I has a concern I would like your assistance with. You see, I think my husband has been sexualizin with the babysitter. The kids tell me they “wrestle” together, the sitter and my man. They do it in the bedroom after hubbie comes home from work but before I get home from my evenin’ shift at Denny’s. Please tell me what I should do, I can’t stand the thought of him with that skank.

Sincerely,
Worried In Wichita

Dear Worried,

Once I thawt my 3rd baby’s daddy was cheatin on me while I was at work.  I called his momma, Paster Greg, and Raydene – the big mouthed tubby-slut across the street – over for sum pie and coffee while the kids were in school.  I busted right in on him and that cum-guzzling hussy.  Now, not only is he paying me an obscene amount of child support, his momma knows his baby ain’t got no daddy,  he had to confess before the priest, and the entire town knows he was with that 4-toothed, chain-smoking whore.  Maybe this will work for you, sister? Lord willin!

Sincerely,
Chevelle

read more »

January 9, 2011

Dear Chevelle: A Weekly Advice Column

This iz me, right after my weddin y'all

My name is Chevelle Danniels. I am a 33 year old single mother of 7 kids: 14, 10, 8 , 4 year old triplets, and my 17 munth old. I was born in Grady, AR and moved to Dumas, AR, to live with my triplets daddy and for more oppurtoonity. I work hard to do for my kids. I am a checker for Wal-mart during the day and a PT bartender in the evenings.  I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortoone and readin Cosmo magazines. I enjoy my bowling legue and trivial nights at the American Legion, which is also where I do my bartending. I can bake better than anybodies grandma. I am an ex smoker and current drinker, Workin hard wit the Lord and AA on that one.  I married my senyor year of highskool and that didn’t work out so well so I’ve been looking for my Prince Charmin every cents. If you are him then  don’t you be afraid to buy me no drink ;)

Until then Our Lord and Savior will do.  I am a Christian but I don’t judge. Jesus Christ is the only perfect being so write in with any quesitons, heathens.  I have real solootons for real delimmus.

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

January 3, 2011

Do Reacharounds Count?

As close as I get to a smile around here

by PSEUDONYMOUS

Today’s WordPress Topic Of The Day is: “Share something that makes you smile.”

What makes me smile? Nothing. Especially not around here. Here is a blog with 50,000 words, covering an array of topics, and not a shit-stick worth of funny.

The only thing funny around here is Andrew Hicks‘ fetishes with Michael Bolton and Billy Ray Cyrus. Can we please have an article covering something you didn’t masturbate to in the 90’s?

And what’s with this Woo? This fucking tardsmarts really thinks we don’t see through his attempts at comedy? Tag it as satire all you want, guy — we all know you really do suck cock for Facebook access, and have an unhealthy obsession with Verne Troyer. I’m with Kanye West, I’ll be over at The Onion.

January 1, 2011

Men Of Infamy: Mr. Way-Too-Much-Lighter-Fluid Firestarter

by WOO

In this post, we give props and respect due to you, Mr. Way-Too-Much-Lighter-Fluid Firestarter. A prime argument against natural selection, that’s what you are. Armed with three cans of lighter fluid and an “America: Fuck Yeah!” lighter, you’re off to get this bonfire party started. Starter logs? Those are for pussies! Rolled-up newspaper? That’s Boy-Scout shit.

All you need, Captain Conflagration, is a bundle of those logs from the gas station, three empty beer-case boxes, that broken kitchen chair and the particle board and stickers that made up what used to be your entertainment center purchased from Wal-Mart.

You, Knight Of The Flame, marinate the wood in lighter fluid as if it were a New York Strip steak. Two bottles of lighter fluid should do; you’ll need the third for a random Hiroshima reenactment.

You lower your No Fear baseball cap to protect your freshly-grown-back eyebrows, and you strike the lighter. Away it goes, Professor Inferno, a massive fireball reaching 40 feet into the air, nearly setting alight the neighbor’s white oak. You smile brightly at your triumph, our Prince Of The Pyre. Added bonus: All the fuzzies were singed off of your Flannel Shirt.

Baron Of Brimstone, your duty is completed. We give you praise oh He Of Hellfire, for you are a man. A man’s man.

December 26, 2010

Facebook Withdrawal

by Woo

I recently decided to take a week off of Facebook. Sometimes you just get so used to things that they don’t offer you the same high anymore. I think there’s some science behind that, but I’m no Botanist.

This is my Diary of A Week With Facebook Withdrawal:

Day 1. Hard not to think about the Facebook. I look at the calouses on my fingers from so much Facebook over the years. I feel regret for these scars, but I know if I could just get a hit of Facebook I would no longer care.

Day 2. Rocking back and forth in my chair, with knees tucked to chest. My every thought and conversation are chronoligical, from bottom to top. My soul is leaving hurtful comments on my heart. “Give up you loser, you need a hit of Facebook. 4 minutes ago.”

Day 3. Restless, and still reeling from the addiction. Everywhere I look, the TV, other websites, the sandwich I made for lunch, I want to find a “Like” to click.

I’ve developed a case of priapism. I knew this could happen with withdrawl, but who ever heard of a 9 hour boner for laying off the Facebook? Worse yet, since my dick isn’t actually on my friends list, I feel it would be dirty to have relations with it.

Day 4. I can’t stop scratching all over. It feels like my blood is itching. I’ve broken the skin in so many places, but no relief. Not even drinking an entire bottle of Calimine Lotion helped.

Day 5. The itching is gone. Humor is coming back to me. I can’t manage to actually laugh though. When something strikes me, all I can do is utter, “L.O.L.” and “L.M.A.O.”

Day 6. Offered the neighbor fellatio for 5 minutes on his computer with Facebook. I never thought my life would be this way. In my youth I swore I’d never do the hard stuff. Never be an addict. Now here I am, trying to wash the cock taste out of my mouth with White Vinegar, Windex, and MySpace.

Day 7. Waking up with nightmares and nightsweats. When I try to talk, I can say what I want, but whoever I am talking to doesn’t hear it. I figured out it’s because it was never commented. I wrote “Comment” on my left nipple, and as long as I tap that after a statement I can make conversation. It’s all very Tourette’s.

Now that the week has passed, I’ve run a Facebook spike directly into my left arm. It flows right into my veins, giving me highs with renewed vigor. My digital god, i’ll never again forsake you!

December 23, 2010

My Sexcation

by Pseudonymous

I really wanted to sleep with a midget, just once in my lifetime.

It all started out innocently enough. I learned that prostitution was legal in Nevada, so long as it was outside the Las Vegas city limits. This got me thinking about one of my life goals, to have relations with a little person. As Nevada is not exactly within acceptable driving distance just to get a little ass I decided I would have to make a vacation out of it. My wife had been pushing me to book us a vacation anyhow. Yes, my wife. As any good woman should, she supports me in my life goals. She wants me to self-actualize, and if that means playing spin the midget on the cock then so-be-it.

So I placed a call to a favorably reviewed brothel, The Sex Buffet Loveranch. I advised them I had very specific fantastical needs, and inquired if they had any midget prostitutes. I was quickly corrected by the person on the other end, “We call them Dwarfitutes, sir!” Well, alright, call them whatever you want just tell me that you have one available for my demented fantasies. I was given information about their two Dwarfitutes, including web profiles with photos, specialties, etc. I quickly made my decision which one I preferred, and booked a few hours with her. The decision was an easy one, as I wanted to fuck a scaled-down chick, not one whose head was larger than my own, but on a 4 foot frame.

read more »

December 20, 2010

Special Christmas Message

by REVEREND ISAIAH “PRAYER” FOHMUNEE

This is your Reverend, over at the First Apostolic Landmark Diastolic Systolic Anastomotic  Missionary Free Methodist Double Double Rock Rock In The Path To Zion Halfway To Heaven Holiness Baptist Church Of The Immaculate Preconceived Interventionist Episcopal Conceptualization Temple. I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas on behalf of my congregation, and We’re Not Funny. Oh, and for you heathens, Happy Holidays as well. You bunch of Quasi Kwanzaa, Half-Ass Hanukkah, Superfluous Solstice celebrators. Jesus loves you anyway, yes, yes he do. And now, allow me to lead you in this here prayer:

Dear Godaaaaa,

I comes to ya Lord. I said, I stands before ya Jesusaaa. I said I humbly humbly humbly lay my soul bare to you Gee-Hov-aaaaa, to thank ya’ Lord for the many blessings you hath given. This Christmas season’a, there are so many Lord, so many who do not have a Playstation 3. I said no Playstation 3. Some of ’em Lord, they got three Playstation 1’s. But in your omnipotence Lord I know you know that ain’t the same’a. I said you know that ain’t ain’t ain’t the same! We not askin’ for the keys to the kingdom here Fatha’. We just need us some entertainments. We also know Savior, that there are those brothers and sisters among us driving around in 1986 Chevy Citations. I said a Haaaaatchbaaack’a. Oh Dear Jeeeeesus, you know the reliability just isn’t there Lord. How can we spread your word when the car won’t start? How can we make a sinner desire what we have with you Lord’a, when they see us in the hoopty. Reverend get lonely Lord, I said loooonely Lord. How’s a humble humble servant supposed to get some companionship on these cold cold nights of the Christmas Season? Maybach! Oh yes Lord’a. I said a brotha’ need to lay-back in the Maybach! Represent your name in style. P. Diddy only spreads the name of P. Diddy Laaaawd, but he get to lay-back’a. I said I need the Maybach’a. I come humbly humbly humbly before you with such a simple request’a. But I digress’a. Gee-Hov-aaaaa, bless these WNF reader’s this season. Let ’em know you the reason.

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnaaa.

Yo’ offerings can be mailed right on in to Jesuuuuuus here:

F.A.L.D.S.A.M.F.M.D.D.R.R.I.T.P.T.Z.H.T.H.H.B.C.O.T.I.P.I.E.C.T. 
C/O Reverend Isaiah "Prayer" Fohmunee
P.O. Box 777
Holiness Chapel Village, New York 77777
December 18, 2010

Wassup!

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY, as written by WOO

We here at WNF asked ourselves, “Whatever happened to the ‘Wassup!’ crew from the Budweiser commercials?” So we tracked down the creator, and sent in a letter requesting an interview. We would have liked to have met up in a nice bar, or dining establishment, and discussed their current goings-on. However, after not receiving a response to our mailed request, we decided to call and see if we could not get a phone interview. That  interview went as follows:

We’re Not Funny: Yes. This is Woo over at We’re Not Funny, an online magazine. I was wondering if I might speak with the creator of the Wassup! commercials, Mr. Charles Stone III?

Charles Stone III: Hello?!

WNF: Umm, yes we’re doing a “where are the now?” segment for our magazine, and we were wanting to do one for you and the crew from the commercial. Would that be alright?

CS3: Watchin’ the game, havin a Bud.

read more »

December 12, 2010

Man You Guys Ain’t Even Funny Man

by KANYE WEST

Yo We’re Not Funny!

I’m really happy for you!

I’ma let you finish, but The Onion has one of the best comedy sites of all time.

One of the best comedy sites of all time!

*shrug*

December 9, 2010

A Rather Anal Request

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY, as written by WOO

UNITED STATES–According to anonymous gluteal sources, they would just like to ask one favor of you: Get off of your ass! Our source has indicated your ass is growing quite weary of being sat on, when there are so many other body parts that do not suffer the same abuse. They would like to ask that you step it up on the job and around the house. You having been doing nothing but gaining more and more weight, and putting greater strain, literally, on your relationship with your rumpus. In an exposé released to We’re Not Funny, your caboose has expressed its want to see the world in the same way in which you do. It has grown tired of crease marks from your chairs and couches, and staring at fabric all day is not what it dreamt of in childhood. Your aft would appreciate the same rights and privileges your fore has. Booties have feelings too, and are requesting their civil liberties be respected. In closing your budonks have simply requested that you get off of them, before they have to resort to more insistent means.