Facebook “Likes”

ACTUAL FACEBOOK PAGE PAIRS “LIKED” BY WNF CONTRIBUTORS*
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
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• Amanda Doppler likes God and Whores.

• Andrew J Hicks likes Stalking and Restraining Orders.

• T. Allan Christopher likes Feminism and Strippers.

• Vickie Sauseda likes Eating Cat Food and Alzhiemer’s Awareness.

• Andrew J. Hicks likes Prince and Androgyny.

• Eve Ventrella likes Unsafe Sex and World AIDS Day.

• T. Allan Christopher likes We’re Not Funny and Dane Cook.

• Eric Dohman likes Spiderman and Arachnophobia.

• Eve Ventrella likes Sylar and Are You Prone To Masturbate or Addicted To Masturbating?

• C.J. Dodd likes Trying New Things and Gays Should Marry!
  [MICHELLE DEE: C.J. isn’t playing by the rules. When I go on his FB page, I just see “C.J. Dodd likes The Lion King.”
  C.J. DODD: C.J. Dodd likes Punching Women In The Face and Michelle Dee Playing Her Cards Right Or Else.”]

• Eric Dohman likes Boats and Hoes.

• C.J. Dodd likes Jesus and Premarital Sex That Ends Up In A Bastard Child But We Can’t Abort It Because That’s Against Our Religion And Oh God Why Am I So Lonely And Using Hypothetical Likes To Express What’s Really Going On In My Life To A Bunch Of Pseudo-Comedians Fuck It Suicide Is The Only Recourse.

• Michelle Dee likes Gamers and Abstinence.

• Eric Dohman likes Anal Beads and Rosary.

• T. Allan Christopher likes Midgets and Velcro.

• Eric Dohman likes Airplanes and Arabs.

• T. Allan Christopher likes Vans and Candy.

• Andrew J Hicks likes Down Syndrome and Lead Poisoning.

• C.J. Dodd likes Shitting Into Elongated Cunts and Good Manners.

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*Mostly. Some are made up and don’t actually exist.

That’s Not Funny…

Print it out and sign it, you unfunny twatwaffle.

… according to PAUL LAO
edited by WOO

[Editors Note: This piece, while containing plenty of humor, is more of an advice column for those striving in the Stand-Up comedy arena. We could all use advise from one who has been around, and we all know Paul Lao has been around!] 

I have been doing stand up for 8 years and I know how to spot a hack, a train wreck, a complete waste of time.  Here is (from my findings) what I consider to make one suck at the hard art:

1. Don’t hate fuck the crowd.
If you think this is going to go well because you shocked the crowd with a raping grandma’s corpse joke while curb stomping a baby, then guess again.  Also don’t talk shit about the venue, the owner, the staff, and the audience.  You are there to make people laugh. At least start with a welcome and a smile before you decide to fist them with no lube.  Wait for them to wrong you then come down on them with furious vengeance.

2. Don’t dress up and make a joke about it.
Resourcefulness is a very admirable attribute when we think of a hero.  And what’s worse than to give him/her a situation that they are completely prepared for?  Diehard would have sucked if John McClane had the Ironman suit.  I have seen guys wear Hawaiian Shirts, 3 piece suits, hats of every genre, t-shirts, props glued to their chest, a doll house on their head, and a guy who slammed his hands on his shorts and popped red fake blood onto the floor.  If you make a joke about a circumstance that you put yourself in you will not get any laughs because the surprise isn’t there.  Or the punch is going to be weak if they see it coming.  Comedy is about misdirection and an awakening of the mind.

Do material about the body you are born with, and how you deal with it.

New Year’s Resolutions 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY

• Take down all those David Cassidy posters. But not the Hasselhoffs.

• Enjoy life and appreciate all the beauty nature has to offer by staying inside and watching “National Geographic” specials.

• Stop calling every ape we see on Animal Planet “Snooki.”

• Donate more money toward research into curing the world’s most serious diseases – AIDS, cancer and Bieber fever.

• Go back in time to the 1995 Grammy Awards, when Michael Bolton’s “Said I Loved You… But I Lied” was nominated for Best Male Performance. Present award, announcing “The winner is… Michael Bolton!” When he comes up to the stage and reaches for his award, take it back, telling him, “Said you won… but I lied.”

• Help O.J. find the “real killers.”

• Acknowledge that Pin the Tail on the Donkey is not a bedroom game. And apologize for calling our wife a donkey.

• Continue to “like” our own jokes on Facebook.

Know your Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW

• I am allergic to eggs but eat them anyway cause that’s how I roll.
• I like small children but, no, not in that way.
• I have peed in pools countless times.
• I do not eat green veggies except for lettuce, celery and green crayons.
• I talk with John Quincy Adams on Facebook. Martin Van Buren, however, is a stuck-up bastard.
• I want custard pie all the time for no apparent reason.
• I wish I was a 1940s-era professional baseball player, major league or Negro League.
• I don’t want to party like it’s 1999 because I made a lot of bad decisions that year.
• Before getting married, I got my wife’s permission to stay in love with Valerie Bertinelli.
• My wife Lori is my best friend and true love and always will be.
• I finished second in the fifth grade spelling bee, and now I can’t spell worth a damned.