Archive for ‘Fashion’

September 7, 2011

’80s Shoulder-Pad Dance Party!

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Are your shoulder pads a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda?

Laughing at yourself is fun. Laughing at others is even better.

Now, before you skewer me and throw me over an open flame, let me explain. I am not talking about the kind of laughter that comes from watching another suffer at the hands of cruelty or mean-spiritedness. I am talking about watching your dearest friend, clearly over-served by the bartender, bump and grind on the dance floor with an equally over-served stranger. Or watching someone you adore emerge from the ladies’ room with her skirt tucked neatly in the back of her tights.

I had one such embarrassing incident back in 1988 or so. I was about 24 years old, living in downtown D.C. and running around with the world in my back pocket. My best friends and I spent many a night hitting the club scene, drinking cheap champagne for hours before pouring ourselves into a cab to head home.

Our favorite hangout was an upscale spot along the Georgetown waterfront called the River Club. We owned that joint. We were dressed to impress.

Now, I know not all of you will remember the miracle of shoulder pads and remember them with quite the fondness that I do, but believe me, I thought they were THE BOMB. No fashion ensemble of mine was ever complete without big hair, a short skirt and the biggest shoulder pads I could find.

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May 31, 2011

Doesn’t Get Much Better Than That

by ANDREW CLINE
edited by ANDREW HICKS

John Lennon: Followed Andrew's advice about wearing multiple sunglasses. Did not follow Andrew's advice about having a nice haircut. Got shot. Learned lesson.

You ever ask yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? If you’re currently noting, Yes, I DO think that all the time, then congratulations. This essay is for you. If not, then think to yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? then get back to me, because right now you’re wasting everyone’s time. Dummy.

Living a glamorous life like that of your regular ol’ garden-variety Andrew is a fairly simple process that I’mma let you in on right now. (WARNING: This process is not fairly simple and shouldn’t be executed unless you’re totally hardcore about committing to it). It can be accomplished via the following three steps:

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May 28, 2011

Taste the Rainbow of Depends®

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

This image stolen from some old broad.

I can see menopause from my back door. What a crappy view.

For those of you who were unaware of the newly designated National Day of Mourning, let me be the first to bring you the news. From now on, my birthday shall officially be known as That Old Broad’s Pity Party. I even called my Congressman and had him bring it to the floor for a vote. Congress can’t agree on much these days, but they certainly could agree on one thing — that redheaded chick that lives in Manassas, Virginia? SHE IS GETTING OLD! I love bipartisan spirit. Please send your condolence cards directly to my home. I will be there, crying in my dirty martini and applying wrinkle cream with a putty knife.

I’m not really sure how this happened, but it sure did happen quickly. One day I was partying like a rock star with my rock star friends, all of us pretending like we were important and in charge of the world. The next day, my 11-year-old daughter was referring to me as “pre-elderly” and laughing at the music I listened to “back in the day.” WTF?

I don’t feel old. I’d like to think I don’t LOOK old, but apparently — to an 11 year old — I appear ancient. She probably thinks I’m in the beginning stages of Alzheimers, which is quite possible since I can’t remember shit anymore. I wonder when she’ll start looking at nursing homes for her ailing mom. I hope she picks a place in a warm weather climate, as
cold weather at my age has also become truly unappealing. It should be illegal to have arthritic hips in your forties.

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