Haiku News, 12 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—

Bartz Resigns from Yahoo Board

What is this “Yahoo!”?
I will have to Google it.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha.

—–

Jersey Shore: Snooki and Deena Fight in the Dark

Tried to watch this show.
TV screen was all orange.
Took it for repair.

—–

NASA Launches Satellites to Map Moon’s Core

In this day and age,
A mystery at last we solve.
Is it made of cheese?

—–

Why does the female orgasm exist?

Science does not know.
Will need more research funding
for trips to Vegas.

—–

3 held in Detroit over bathroom trips on plane

Damn you T.S.A.
A man can’t drop a stink-deuce
seven times per flight?

—–

Woman dies after injecting hot beef fat into face

Damn you silly woman!
Now you totally ruined
my best pick-up line.

From the WNF Macro-brewery…

by ERIC DOHMAN with ANDREW HICKS, EVE VENTRELLA and J.MIZ

—

You know about our official line of We’re Not Funny T-shirts. Now get crunk WNF-style with our new product roll-out of eight beer brands, ranging in price from “dirt cheap” to “rigoddamdiculous.”

—

Miller Low Life: The Over-40 40!

****

This genie has been stuck in this bottle since 1979.

****

Australian For "Irrational Multicultural Adoption Fetish."

****

When "The Best" Is Just Too Damn Good...

****

Blue Poon: The Perfect Companion For Blue Balls.

****

Goes Down Like Milk.

****

Isn't it Time For Your Pabst Smear?

****

Lance Bass Pale Ale: Lighter Than Loafers!

Haiku News, 1 August 2011

by WOO

—

Wild boars invade farms, attack pets

Peaceful happy farm
What is that I see coming?
Motherfucking boar!

—–

Woman faces trial for fake testicles

South Carolina
Hanging people acceptable
Truck nuts cross the line

—–

Senate panel schedules Google antitrust hearing

Anti-trust nonsense
If Google owns everything
Search more accurate

—–

Republican Boehner wants Monday vote on debt deal

Boehner on Monday?
Vagiehna wants it right NOW
See what I did there?

—–

Statue for Chuck Berry erected in St. Louis

Been near sixty years
Since Chuck Berry erected
Saint Louis – look out!

Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

—

Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

—

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

Cerebral Ballsy

by JAMES DRAPER

I am not an intelligent person. I just think everyone should know this as a fact. I don’t want anyone thinking I have the correct answer to anything, although I have plenty of answers. Nor should they believe I’ve done enough research on anything I may speak to, other than drawing from personal experience. No, this is not a disclaimer, just something to put in your hat for whenever my life intersects yours.

A person of my mental prowess rarely has the use for a word like “ponder.” However, this is something I have pondered for some time. How is it I get by? I mean, I am nowhere near the intelligence level I am expected to be. I know this because many of the people I come across talk to me as if I have a single clue. What the fuck they are talking about? I just agree and smile. Once they’re gone, I Google it and laugh that I didn’t know what they meant, or I hurry up, as I’ve spent a lot of project time finding out what I agreed to do.

The Phony Facebook Status Experiment

By NYM PSEUDO

Recently, I announced in a Facebook status update that I have a half-sister.

This is totally untrue, at least as far as I know. But my 213 Facebook friends have no reason to doubt the update, so they’ve responded with all of the shock and applause and advice you might expect when someone reveals that kind of thing on a social networking web site.

“WHAT?” was my first comment, from an old college buddy who happens to share my last name. Then, “OH my! Let me tell you from experience they are wonderful! Meet her and start your own relationship with her.” Then, “How old? I found out a few years ago that I had two, and they’re great! 16 and 22. And no, I won’t introduce you.”

Clearly, people were buying my story. I also got comments on the new profile picture I posted, showing me standing next to a transvestite I met at 3 a.m. in the Capitol Hill district in Seattle, someone who is very clearly a man, and very clearly a much bigger man than myself. I made it clear, however, that I wasn’t trying to pass this person off as my relative, by explaining “This is NOT my half-sister. I just wanted to give you an idea.”