Posts tagged ‘Poop’

September 12, 2011

Haiku News, 12 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO


Bartz Resigns from Yahoo Board

What is this “Yahoo!”?
I will have to Google it.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha.

—–

Jersey Shore: Snooki and Deena Fight in the Dark

Tried to watch this show.
TV screen was all orange.
Took it for repair.

—–

NASA Launches Satellites to Map Moon’s Core

In this day and age,
A mystery at last we solve.
Is it made of cheese?

—–

Why does the female orgasm exist?

Science does not know.
Will need more research funding
for trips to Vegas.

—–

3 held in Detroit over bathroom trips on plane

Damn you T.S.A.
A man can’t drop a stink-deuce
seven times per flight?

—–

Woman dies after injecting hot beef fat into face

Damn you silly woman!
Now you totally ruined
my best pick-up line.

May 10, 2011

You Might Be A Mom

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

  • If your priority is on how cute your kid’s outfit looks when you take them to school, while you wear sweatpants and mismatched flip flops, you might be a mom.
  • If you carefully smooth and style your child’s hair and totally ignore the syrup you got in your own from the morning’s waffles, you might be a mom.
  • If the phone wakes you from a deep sleep at the ripe old hour of 9:30 pm, and you try to answer it by turning the lamp on and off, there’s a good chance you might be a mom.
  • If you’d need a 12-step program and hypnosis to even consider eliminating caffeine from your diet, you might be a mom.
  • If you’ve left the house with several kinds of bodily fluids on your shirt because one or more of the kids were late for some sort of sporting event, it is likely that you might be a mom.
  • If you see a brown smudge on the carpet and bend to sniff to see if it’s poop, you might be a mom.
  • If you, without hesitation, sniff the socks or crotches of pants laying on the floor of the kids rooms to see if they’re clean or dirty, you might be a mom.
  • If you have taken your finger and licked it to remove dirt from any surface, then guess what? You might be a mom.
  • If you hear the same words tumbling from your mouth that you heard from your own mom’s mouth — and you not only don’t care, but you feel like it totally makes sense (“Don’t come running to me when you break your leg!”), you’re probably a mom.
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May 9, 2011

Garbage Ass: A Poem

by J.MIZ
as interpreted by WOO

its a little creepy
when i’m peeing,
Dwight (cat) will saunter in
to drop one of his
Lucifer deuces.
then when i look
in repulsion
his eye contact is so intense
it pierces me
and my soul can smell his garbage ass.

March 6, 2011

Constipation Music Mix

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Much like the sound of running water will help you get your pee stream going, the right music mix will cure constipation. Next time you find yourself chomping on Ex-Lax with no results, play these songs, in this order, and we promise poop productivity. You’ll just have to sit through 13 songs first. –Andrew Hicks]

Everyone poops. Even the blond from Abba.

CONSTIPATION MUSIC MIX
1. Ashford and Simpson – Solid as a Rock
2. The Supremes – You Keep Me Hangin’ On
3. Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
4. Melissa Etheridge – Come to My Window
5. En Vogue – Give it Up, Turn it Loose
6. The Band – The Weight
7. The Police – King of Pain
8. The Doors – Break on Through to the Other Side
9. Aerosmith – Deuces Are Wild
10. Cypress Hill – When the Shit Goes Down
11. Snoop Dogg – Drop It Like It’s Hot
12. Tom Petty – Free Fallin
13. Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell

CONTRIBUTORS: Buddah Eskew, J.Miz, Chris Reitz, Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter, Andrew Hicks