Posts tagged ‘T. Allan Christopher’

October 13, 2011

Woo Stands Erect In Solidarity With Occupy Wall Street

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

October 10, 2011

Haiku News, 10 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

US Military Drones Infected With Mysterious Computer Virus

This is no surprise
to those of us who know what
drones do after dark.

—–

Paul McCartney, Nancy Shevell wed in London

Another marriage?
Lets hope that this one has
a leg to stand on.

—–

Zsa Zsa Gabor undergoes stomach surgery

Wait a damn minute.
You mean to tell me that this
bitch is still alive?

—–

Steve Jobs’ pancreatic cancer may have been diagnosed late

Diagnosed too late?
The real tragedy is that
there’s no app for that.

—–

How Obama’s data-crunching prowess may get him re-elected

Vote for Obama!
Why? It is simple really.
This MoFo knows math!

October 6, 2011

Lesser-Known 2012 Presidential Candidates

Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO

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Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks

October 3, 2011

Haiku News, 3 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

California prevents ban on male circumcision

Nothing to fear here.
You are free as a bee to
chop off your cock sock.

—–

Suspicious package probed on Biden brother’s road

Suspicious package?
Ha! Is that a euphemism?
Probe this here package!

—–

Battlefield 3 Beta Impressions

Ooh, very shiny.
Shoot people and cuss on chat.
Please pass the Cheetos.

—–

Kanye West’s Fashion Show ‘Monumental,’ Ciara Says

‘Imma’ let you finish,
But seriously Kanye,
you make clothing now?

—–

Will Earth Be Struck By Massive Asteroid? Probably Not

Probably not, huh?
This news is as useless as
this fucking Haiku.

—–

Dead bee mystery has state officials buzzing

Buzzing? Are you for real?
Bee’s and Buzzing. Ha ha ha!
See what you did there!

—–

Occupy Wall Street Day 13, October 2, 2011

Grab your damn pitch-fork,
And fire up the propane grill.
Time to eat the rich.

September 26, 2011

Haiku News, 26 September 2011

We all forget things at times... just like this silly hooch forgot to flush.

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

Last minute recall –
Haiku News is due tonight.
Oh well, fuck it then!

—–

Haiku News Haiku –
A Haiku ’bout a Haiku.
Haiku Inception!

—–

September 24, 2011

How To Be An Intellectual Douche

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by CHRISTOPHER WOO

  • Memorise a list of names of both scientists and philosophers and spout them off, attributing ideas and theories to them at random. Don’t forget to memorise the names of their writings and works, too. Throw in a spiritualist or two, here and there, for good measure.
  • Never admit that you’re wrong. Remember, all research and knowledge has been completed and discovered on any given subject you’ve troubled yourself to study. There will never be anything else to say on the subject. New and unique ideas are absurd, and furthermore, admitting wrongdoing would be mean utter failure and disaster to your aspirations of being a douche.
  • Don’t accept ideas from anyone who hasn’t read at least three books or watched at least five YouTube or Vimeo videos on the topic at hand. Who do they think they are to come up with un-sourced ideas? Unique ideas and new information are absurd.
  • The only acceptable selections of music for your repertoire are the classical artists: Bach, Beethoven, Wagner, Vivaldi, Mozart (of course, since your mother has been playing it for you since conception), Shubert, Dave Matthews, Chopin, Coldplay, Litz, and Brahms. Anything else is simply unacceptable “noise.”
  • Two words: Vegan Starbucks. It’s your new diet! The more coffee and smoothies the better. A smoothie is your new chicken soup. It is good for the brain – and the soul. Any coffee that costs less than $4 per cup is downright offensive. For our aspiring douches across the pond, Earl Grey is also acceptable. Also, remember: meat is murder. Need I say more?
  • Meditate daily on the magnificence of your own existence and that it was formed from nothingness and chaos. Soothe and pacify your errant original thoughts through daily meditation. Be sure to reflect on the curiousness that is your navel in the true style of DalaiLamaGhandiDavidLynchBuddhaDrPhil .Repeat this mantra until your mind is quieted: ad nauseam, ad nauseam, ad nauseam.
  • If you don’t have one, purchase a thesaurus, or utilise any available – either online or Microsoft Word. Make sure before you engage in philosophical discussions, to thoroughly analyse and formulate your opinions, picking out any simplistic or crude verbiage. A thesaurus (along with your already vast knowledge of what Hawking, Darwin, Aristotle, Plato, and Ron Paul has to say) is your most important tool in intellectually blowing the minds of your soon-to-be followers.
  • In a discussion, whether in person or online, choose the elite few that have adhered to these rules and become their yes man. Agree with everything they have to say. Come to their defence when attacked. Hone that relationship and mold it into your very own circle jerk.
  • Look down your nose at everyone. Lift your head up high and gaze with eyes half-closed down at the peons who dare to think their intellect could even begin to compete with yours.
  • Finally, have some self-respect. That good for nothing job of yours is getting you nowhere. They aren’t utilising your skills at that desk job. And management is too remedial to realise that you are brilliant. Quit that job and ride your bike over to the nearest Starbucks and apply. Surely there you will be recognised by the working stiffs for your intellect, as you make their morning venti, bold, half-caff with cinnamon dolce and room for cream. Stimulate them, not just with their morning brew, but with your mind. There is no greater calling.
September 22, 2011

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean? #3

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

Conjugal Visit: A tutoring session for grammar, specifically verbs.

Oooooh yeah! Look at them freaky nasty verbs gettin it on!

Supreme Sacrifice: When you have to give up pizza night to use the money for your kid’s school project.

Shoot Blanks: Tae Bo never worked for me anyway.

Taking A Dirt Nap: What that third union worker is doing over there under the shady tree.

Turn A Trick: I paid $35 for this hooker, I’m damn sure hittin’ it from the front and the back.

Well Hung: Descriptive of level paintings and other artwork.

Sniffing The Maple: At least that’s what your mom calls it.

Hand Over The Coals: No, seriously, hand ’em over. Fucking coal thief.

Hiring A Russian: It’s the in thing right now, they’re so economical.

Cloning The Mammoth: *Insert yo’ momma joke*

The Departed: Great god damned movie!

Talk To A Man About A “Horse”: What Kevin Smith had to do before filming Clerks 2.

Sleep Around: What bums do.

September 19, 2011

Haiku News, 19 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

It's 'policy' when you take from the poor to keep the rich happy. It's 'warfare' when you take money from a millionaire who will still be a millionaire afterwards.

—–

Republicans Call Obama’s Tax Plan ‘Class Warfare’

Kill the middle class.
And then call the Kettle black.
Neo-Con trash Pots.

—–

New England faces possible pumpkin shortage

A Pumpkin shortage?
I bet it’s Peter. Peter
Damn Pumpkin Eater.

—–

Windows 8: What you need to know

Same as Win 7
with a fugly Start Menu.
The future is here.

—–

PlayStation Network Updates Protect Sony from Lawsuits

You can’t sue Sony.
I did not know my console
was an H.M.O.

—–

Exclusive: Lohan ‘Distressed’ By Bad Girl Reports

Left Rehab today.
Interview held in Night Club.
Don’t call me ‘Bad Girl.’

—–

US gamers crack puzzle in AIDS research that stumped scientists for years

Three-Hundred Fifty.
Is not only Gamer weight,
but I.Q. as well!

September 17, 2011

Facebook “Likes”

ACTUAL FACEBOOK PAGE PAIRS “LIKED” BY WNF CONTRIBUTORS*
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

  • Amanda Doppler likes God and Whores.
  • Andrew J Hicks likes Stalking and Restraining Orders.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Feminism and Strippers.
  • Vickie Sauseda likes Eating Cat Food and Alzhiemer’s Awareness.
  • Andrew J. Hicks likes Prince and Androgyny.
  • Eve Ventrella likes Unsafe Sex and World AIDS Day.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes We’re Not Funny and Dane Cook.
  • Eric Dohman likes Spiderman and Arachnophobia.
  • Eve Ventrella likes Sylar and Are You Prone To Masturbate or Addicted To Masturbating?
  • C.J. Dodd likes Trying New Things and Gays Should Marry!
    [MICHELLE DEE: C.J. isn’t playing by the rules. When I go on his FB page, I just see “C.J. Dodd likes The Lion King.”
    C.J. DODD: C.J. Dodd likes Punching Women In The Face and Michelle Dee Playing Her Cards Right Or Else.”]
  • Eric Dohman likes Boats and Hoes.
  • C.J. Dodd likes Jesus and Premarital Sex That Ends Up In A Bastard Child But We Can’t Abort It Because That’s Against Our Religion And Oh God Why Am I So Lonely And Using Hypothetical Likes To Express What’s Really Going On In My Life To A Bunch Of Pseudo-Comedians Fuck It Suicide Is The Only Recourse.
  • Michelle Dee likes Gamers and Abstinence.
  • Eric Dohman likes Anal Beads and Rosary.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Midgets and Velcro.
  • Eric Dohman likes Airplanes and Arabs.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Vans and Candy.
  • Andrew J Hicks likes Down Syndrome and Lead Poisoning.
  • C.J. Dodd likes Shitting Into Elongated Cunts and Good Manners.

*Mostly. Some are made up and don’t actually exist.

September 15, 2011

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean? #2

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

Oooh yeah. My favorite place to pack my meat!

Inventory Leakage: What happens when you have too much liquidity in assets.

Hankie Pankie: What happens after all Hank Williams Jr.’s rowdy friends come over.

It Fell Off The Back Of A Truck: Microsoft explanation for why so many XBOX 360’s stopped functioning just outside of their warranty period.

Kick The Bucket: Literal; who the fuck left that there?

Knocked Up: The result of astronauts fighting.

Lose Your Lunch: The all-too-often result of using the shared refrigerator at the office. Thieving puds!

Laid Off: Describes post-coital. For the kinky this sometimes involves ‘Pissed Off’.

Meat Packer: He who puts together a picnic lunch.

Powder Your Nose: Result of lacking care for your appearance after consumption of powdered doughnuts.

Put To Sleep: Brief review of WNF articles written by Andrew Hicks.  ;)

Six Feet Under: The location of Verne Troyer in relation to Shaq’s head.

September 12, 2011

Haiku News, 12 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO


Bartz Resigns from Yahoo Board

What is this “Yahoo!”?
I will have to Google it.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha.

—–

Jersey Shore: Snooki and Deena Fight in the Dark

Tried to watch this show.
TV screen was all orange.
Took it for repair.

—–

NASA Launches Satellites to Map Moon’s Core

In this day and age,
A mystery at last we solve.
Is it made of cheese?

—–

Why does the female orgasm exist?

Science does not know.
Will need more research funding
for trips to Vegas.

—–

3 held in Detroit over bathroom trips on plane

Damn you T.S.A.
A man can’t drop a stink-deuce
seven times per flight?

—–

Woman dies after injecting hot beef fat into face

Damn you silly woman!
Now you totally ruined
my best pick-up line.

September 11, 2011

Klan Kalls it Kwits?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

K3 recruitment drive starts at the top!

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. – Today, the Klu Klux Klan announced that it will be going through a bit of an identity change. Spokesman John “Chilli” Mac issues this statement, “After some bit’a consideration, we come to think the youths of today don’t find us hip enough to join up with.”

Membership is down over 85 percent since 1995. Mac blames this on the rapid growth and popularity of the Internet.

“Seems with all the message boards and social media to express your views on, the kids today are much more independent racists. Hell, my own 10-year-old boy would rather shout racial slurs into his Xbox microphone than come to a meet-up,” Mac stated.

With these things in mind, the decision came to re-brand the Klan. It seemed a natural fit to give it a new name, in the style of a web 2.0 business.

“From here on out we’re to be known as ‘K3: The Klan.’ The kids love it, ‘cuz you can make a K and a 3 with your hands. My kids run around hollerin’ “K3 Represent” and tossin’ the K3 sign up all the time.” It seems the irony of the hip-hop ‘gangsta’ culture seeping into Klan life has gone over the head of Mr. Mac.

Along with the name change, K3 has realized its sense of fashion is seriously outdated. Mac says, “We discovered that wearing our bedsheets out, especially after Labor Day, is just not hip at all.”

read more »

September 8, 2011

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

A House Of Ill Repute. When visiting be sure to wear your blue dress, and bring cigars.

Adult Entertainment: The enjoyment parents get at watching their children suffer through life just like they did.

Asleep With Jesus: Literal; You should really keep track of your wife. And the Gardner.

Au Natural: What you get when you forget to put the cheese packet on your Stouffer’s Au Gratin Potatoes.

Bit The Big One: He won’t even return her phone calls.

Bought The Farm: Addicted to Facebook games.

Carnal Knowledge: Intimacy with a carnival worker.

Crossed Over To The Other Side: Fucking swing voters!

Disinformation: What you are reading right now.

Ethnic Cleansing: Equal-opportunity public showers.

Friendly Fire: The kind you camp near, or have a beer around.

Give Up The Ghost: A conversion to atheism.

Hide The Sausage: Literal; Usually it’s still in the refrigerator, just tucked in with the vegetables in the crisper.

House Of Ill Repute: The White House, post-Clinton.

September 5, 2011

Haiku News, 5 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

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The newly-discovered Shroud Of Palin

Government sues 17 big banks for mortgages

Government suing banks
Going to recoup money
Just to waste again

—–

Sarah Palin gives a rousing non-campaign campaign speech in Iowa

Whenever mentioned
A Palin Presidential Run
Jesus cries kittens

—–

Will Chaz Bono Use Cher’s Music on Dancing With the Stars?

With Chaz Bono there
And that Cunt-faced Nancy Grace
Will anyone watch?

—–

New species of ancient rhinoceros found in Tibet

Spiritual Sage
Enlightened Rhinoceros
Prophesy foretold

—–

For $620K, You Too Can Own a Jet-Powered Batmobile

So this must be why
Class warfare is in vogue now
Republican toys

—–

Domino’s to serve pizzas on the Moon, apparently

The space vacuum
May actually help with
The cardboard flavour

—–

Who is WikiLeaks Blaming for Breaching Its Security?

WikiLeaks has leak
Should update security
With some WikiTweaks

September 3, 2011

Song Challenge 19: Adult-Contemporary Guilty Pleasures

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicago's "Look Away" video: Hot chick. Fiery explosion. Still somehow boring.

ANDREW HICKS
Okay, I’ll go first. One of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is Chicago‘s “Look Away.” It’s a Diane Warren song, even (that lady has written some of the worst pop ballads of all-time and become a billionaire in the process), and I love its maudlin gaudiness. The video, on the other hand, looks like an awful version of the depressing first half of a Folgers commercial with pyrotechnics tossed in.

ANNE GARDNER
What does “adult contemporary” mean exactly? Music that appeals to adults or music made by adults? Or both?

ERIC DOHMAN
Any music where you can replace the word “baby” with “Jesus” and it still sounds like it fits.

T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER
The narrowed-down definition would be: music by people our age for people our age. However, you can look at “past adult contemporary” music as well, which was music for peers in that time period. Think of softer, more R+B-driven non-bubblegum pop. Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Amy Grant‘s secular stuff, Elton John, Billy Joel, etc.”

ERIC DOHMAN
“Look away, Jesus, look away…

read more »

September 2, 2011

Too Old For This Shit

Where the shitnipples did I put my trunk?

by TONY FYLER
edited by CHRISTOPHER WOO

I turn 40 in just a few months time. People tell me this means I’m now officially a Grumpy Old Man. I always used to mock the idea that you could only be Grumpy, or indeed Old, once you passed through the mystic portal of fortyness. I’ve been Grumpy since I was 11, when I used to tell my fellow pupils to go buy a brain, or tell adults who insisted on being cretins to go and boil their head. In a vat of Sulphuric acid, if I remember correctly.

But that’s the point. I’m no longer sure I remember correctly. This isn’t a creeping senility, or a momentary lapse of memory. This has been happening on a daily basis since my 35th birthday. Halfway through sentences. Halfway through journeys from one room to another. It’s like someone’s hit me with a baseball bat and I’m in a bit of a daze. I’ve always been known by friends and my wife as Memoryboy, for my freakish ability to remember the most arcane details about things, people, situations. Now I can barely hold a coherent thought from one end to the other.

Goddamnsonofabitch. I know there were other examples of the kind of mental decay that’s been visited on me in the last few years, but I can’t remember now what any of it is!

Oh… that’s right. My wife, stifling giggles, has just reminded me that loud noises… hell, even moderately quiet noises… now make me jumpy. Boy that was fun on Halloween. It was even more fun on Guy Fawkes Day – a kind of 17th Century “Hang A Terrorist” holiday, celebrated to this day by setting off random fireworks. Every banger, whizzer and colour-splashing crack of thunder saw me wince, or cringe, or shift involuntarily out of the way. It’s like my body is trying to tell me something, if I could only remember what it is…

It’s like something has clicked over in my metabolism. I’ve worn slippers without irony. My hands and feet are starting to get inexplicably cold for longer periods of time. Young people have been annoying me since I was one of them, but now,  it’s as though the last remaining drops of patience in my soul have been poured out, I want to tell them, as I did as a child, how insane and pointless they are.

Naturally, given the world we live in, I’ve been shouting at the TV for some time now, but I’ve graduated… I used to only shout at the easy targets – the politicians telling us they know what they are doing, the adverts that dared to tell me – short, fat, balding, greasy, hairy-arsed and clueless me – that I’m “worth it too.”

But now it’s everything. Every advert, every programme, every ridiculous flickering parade of mediocrity that passes for entertainment in the arena of the damned. I shout. I point, like that makes some miraculous difference and makes my rage more valid somehow.

The button has clicked over in my brain from “Thirtysomething, clinging to patience and humour and some desperate hope that advertisers are aiming even vaguely at me” to “Bath-chair.” Like I’m suddenly this old and scowling bastard, in my slippers and my Grumpy Old Man face. If I had a stick, I’d hit people with it. In fact, the only reason I’ve refrained from buying a stick is not to get arrested. And somehow, all of a sudden, the fact that people deserve a damn good stick-whacking has become the height – the very pinnacle – of logic and good sense to me. I’ve become my Gran! And suddenly I’m right, they’re wrong!

I feel the gaze of all the proper Grumpy Old Men upon me now, and they are smiling grimly, as though they have been watching my progress and now are happy to call me one of their own. As though they’re telling me “You see? You were always Grumpy-in-waiting, but now you have the urgency, the forgetfulness, the inexplicable back pain – don’t mention it, you’re welcome… Now you are truly one of us, My Son.”

Don’t mess with me. I’m getting too old for this shit.

August 29, 2011

Haiku News, 29 August 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

I don't care how good she looks, or how drunk you are, DO NOT make babies with this Neanderthal Woman

—–

Hurricane Irene Leaves Thousands Without Power In Maryland

Hurricane Irene
If you must knock out power
Do so in D.C.

—–

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Stepping Down

Apple® without Jobs
Like Windows® without Blue-screen
Stable but ugly

—–

Hurricane Irene may test cell phone networks

Well at least in this
Economy, hurricanes
can still get a job

—–

Astronomers discover planet made of diamond

Planet of diamond?
In the cosmical street game
That’s baller-ass shit

—–

Sex with Neanderthals likely strengthened human immune system

Worked for us then, not
so much now. Neanderthals
now lower gene pool

—–

Lions impressive in preseason rout of New England

Obligatory
Sports article haiku here
Not even worth the brainpower to count syllables on the third line

August 23, 2011

Know Your WNFer

by ANDREW HICKS

Image by Eric Dohman.

We’re closing in on our 250th post, with 9+ months of near-daily fresh comedy under our collective belt. And now we finally own WereNotFunny.com, for at least the next year or two. So what better time to acquaint yourself with the WNF Crew? In-depth individual profiles and a multipart Ken Burns PBS documentary to follow.

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WE’RE NOT FUNNY STAFF LIST

ANDREW HICKS — Editor-in-Chief/Co-Founder

It’s not so weird that I’m writing about myself right now. I’ve been writing about myself online in one form or another since 1995. I blogged the Year in the Life of a Nerd journals before the term “blogger” existed. Then I went and got drunk for like 10 years. Then I went and met my beautiful wife and had a couple beautiful kids. Got sober, started writing again and, for the first time, got myself an ensemble of Midwest comics, essayists and regular old bantering friends and friends of friends. Started organizing and editing our various words and ideas into blog posts.

REQUIRED READING: Love Letter to Phil Collins

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T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER — Associate Editor/Co-Founder

T. Allan, to quote the Wu Tang Clan, is “the Osiris of this shit.” No sooner had I said, “I wonder if we could get some people together and start a site where we post daily solo pieces or group conversation highlightsor whatever the F we want,” than TAC set about getting a site up and running, for us to play around with. T. Allan is an active administrative and creative presence in our Facebook material-gathering groups, he takes care of a post or two a week for me, and every now and then we get him to write us a full solo piece, when he’s not busy working on this blog or this blog. As an aside, T. Allan Christopher has formerly written under the pseudonym Woo.

REQUIRED READING: Haiku News

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J.MIZ — Creative Coordinator/Co-Founder

I’d been on Facebook for about two months when I noticed J.Miz leaving astoundingly funny top-of-her-head comments on a mutual friend’s statuses. I sent her a friend request, we started bantering, and immediately there was a symbiosis of humor, mischievous fun and shared cultural references. Facebook got five times more entertaining when I met J.Miz. Once Woo, J.Miz and I got together, the comic chemistry was intense and immediate. Keep in mind, J.Miz had never considered writing comedy or really thought she was funny. Now she constructs and spits out jokes like a one-woman one-liner factory on Twitter. She’s given our writing group all kinds of concepts and premises to work from, and she’s helped me out of more than one creative jam. J.Miz has also brought WNF a healthy handful of like-minded contributors, and she’s proven effective at squeezing solo pieces out of existing contributors.

REQUIRED READING: WTF Facebook Friends

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TONY FYLER — Twitter Editor/Senior Contributor

Fyler is a fiercely intelligent, incisively witty writer from Great Britain or Wales or Ireland or something. His areas of interest include politics, theology (particularly, lack of) and the occasional off-the-wall food, sex or miscellaneous sociological joke. Oh, and he also fronted the money for our WereNotFunny.com domain, after I procrastinated and made excuses about being broke. Fyler’s not getting a penny of that $19 back, either.

REQUIRED READING: Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

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MICHELLE DEE — Facebook Fan Page Editor/Senior Contributor

Mrs. Woo has been around since the beginning and has possibly posted more WNF links to Facebook than anyone on this list. Around 28 percent of times the “share” button is clicked on Facebook, Michelle Dee is the culprit. Michelle recruited WNF staple contributors Fyler, Allison Stein and Eve Ventrella. She also runs our Facebook fan page, so next time you see the word “afraid” spelled with two F’s in your news feed, address your letter of complaint to Michelle Dee. Who will write you back within three business days with the one-word response, “Haytchoo” and an ASCII-text middle finger.

ಠ_ಠ

Required Reading: Possession 101

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ERIC DOHMAN — Senior Contributor

Dohman distinguished himself in the WNF group immediately upon being discovered and added by J.Miz. Not everyone knows how to take Eric, and others think he traffics too heavily in dick and poop jokes. To me, Dohman is a solid, insightful, even innovative comic voice on most every topic he touches. High brow, medium brow, low brow and lower brow. Dohman also has graphic skills and has come through with the (still too few) image assignments we’ve given him. “But Andrew,” you say, “I thought you steal all your art straight from Google Image.” Well, that’s mostly true, but we’re gonna lean on Dohman more and more heavily in the very near future. He just doesn’t know it yet.

REQUIRED READING: Santorum Shit Bags

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ANNE GARDNER — Senior Contributor

Anne is a lady whose path I crossed briefly at the age of 18 and reunited with thanks to the magic of Facebook. She’d leave a sarcastic comment here or there on my statuses, and when WNF came into being, I invited her into the group. A.G. has maintained a presence ever since, contributing one-liners to group pieces and writing her own solo articles. And she has an infant at home and everything.

REQUIRED READING: Facebook-Baked Glee

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ERTEL GRAY — Senior Contributor

I found Ertel via Facebook one day while bored and searching for an old Dana Carvey SNL sketch called “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.” Ertel had posted the video on his wall at some point. I friended him on the basis of that alone, but I had no idea how completely and instantaneously Ertel would fit in with the WNF Crew. Funny dude, Ertel Gray, and I think he knows even more obscure ’80s and ’90s pop culture than even I do.

REQUIRED READING: Reg Strikes Back

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PAUL LAO — Senior Contributor

Paul lives in California, so we almost always publish whatever he sends us.

REQUIRED READING: 9 Demons of the College House Party

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There are a dozen other current contributors I rely on for material. Many of them are Illinois comedians — Andrew Cline, C.J. Dodd, James Draper, Scotty Harris, Ryan Krause, Probably Matt Linville, K.B. Marion, Drift Roberts, Saracakes (who also spent many hours legitimizing WNF’s Twitter feed) and Emily Toops. Another, Lola Tucker, joined our ranks after reading and enjoying the WNF blog.

Two others — Buddah Eskew and Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter — are no longer writing for We’re Not Funny but have some great stuff scattered throughout our archives. I also want to thank Saracakes for her many hours of work editing and posting to our Twitter feed.

I want to thank everyone mentioned above for loaning us some of their time and creativity. And thank YOU for reading.

August 22, 2011

Haiku News, 22 August 2011

by T. Allan Christopher

Now who is going to catch you masturbating?

A&F offers to pay ‘Situation’ NOT to wear their clothing

Please keep your clothes on
Just not with our name on them
Guido ass bastard

—–

Burger King retires its mascot to focus on food

Freaky ass King head
Focus on your plastic fries
Not your plastic mask

—–

Apple Developing New iPad

Is it weird that I
Still hear “iPad” and think of
Feminine Napkins?

—–

What if ET thinks we’re evil?

They think us evil?
Lets show them bitches evil!
Eat a nuke E.T.!

—–

Mystery goo in Alaska now called fungal spores

Wait a damn second
You mean to say it was not
Orange Julius?