Posts tagged ‘Comedy’

June 28, 2011

Idiomatic

"A Fool And His Money Are Easily Parted." Very easily, I assume, as I don't even remember having any money.

by WOO

“A House Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand.” Unless it was just a double-wide mobile home being moved.

“A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush.” A dick in the hand isn’t getting any ‘bush.’ That’s why it’s in the hand.

“A Leopard Can’t Change His Spots.” Which is very unfortunate for the summer fashion season.

“You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover.” You can, however, judge its author.

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June 10, 2011

That’s Not Funny…

Print it out and sign it, you unfunny twatwaffle.

… according to PAUL LAO
edited by WOO

[Editors Note: This piece, while containing plenty of humor, is more of an advice column for those striving in the Stand-Up comedy arena. We could all use advise from one who has been around, and we all know Paul Lao has been around!] 


I have been doing stand up for 8 years and I know how to spot a hack, a train wreck, a complete waste of time.  Here is (from my findings) what I consider to make one suck at the hard art:

1. Don’t hate fuck the crowd.
If you think this is going to go well because you shocked the crowd with a raping grandma’s corpse joke while curb stomping a baby, then guess again.  Also don’t talk shit about the venue, the owner, the staff, and the audience.  You are there to make people laugh. At least start with a welcome and a smile before you decide to fist them with no lube.  Wait for them to wrong you then come down on them with furious vengeance.

2. Don’t dress up and make a joke about it.
Resourcefulness is a very admirable attribute when we think of a hero.  And what’s worse than to give him/her a situation that they are completely prepared for?  Diehard would have sucked if John McClane had the Ironman suit.  I have seen guys wear Hawaiian Shirts, 3 piece suits, hats of every genre, t-shirts, props glued to their chest, a doll house on their head, and a guy who slammed his hands on his shorts and popped red fake blood onto the floor.  If you make a joke about a circumstance that you put yourself in you will not get any laughs because the surprise isn’t there.  Or the punch is going to be weak if they see it coming.  Comedy is about misdirection and an awakening of the mind.

Do material about the body you are born with, and how you deal with it.

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June 4, 2011

Thanking A Wiz

by JAMES DRAPER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Leonardo da Vinci: Terrific at art, not so terrific at personal grooming.

Comedy is the world’s last true form of wizardry. There are no smoke or mirrors to make you think something has changed or happened. There’s simply a wave of the hand, or magic words said and poof, you’ve become something else. Your physical being has changed in an instant. You begin breathing hard and fast. You start exclaiming out loud with laughter. You feel a connection, and something has magically tickled your brain, stomach, and heart. Out of thin air, you are now happy or, in some cases, pissed off. You might be terribly offended, or you may feel a little awkward or left out. Something is now there that, moments ago, wasn’t.

Comedy also makes many things disappear, such as sadness or contentment. In most cases, it can obliterate boredom. These “spells” can last for days or weeks. Even years later, you will remember something so damn funny or offensive that you’ll repeat it to others, making the magic spread even further than the room it was delivered in. Your thoughts and emotions have been twisted by the magical arrangement of words and movement. The hypnotic rhythm of the delivery and its poignancy grasped you, and you’re changed in some way, whether you wanted it to happen or not.

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May 20, 2011

Dirty Humor

by Paul Lao

Comedy is a lot like magic in the way Alan Moore explains it. The phrase “casting a spell on you,” is a literal meaning. Words in music, words that inspire, words that provoke anger, words that provoke sadness, words that hypnotize, words that are funny, forgotten words, words that build efficiency, words that define other words. If you think about it, there are many genres for the human language. In some cases we use what is called onomatopoeia which is what humans use to describe a sound of an animal or object that can’t be spelled but symbolized. We use imagery to help someone who is listening to visualize something less tangible like the fear of heights or how one copes with being numb from the waist down.

I have studied and dabbled in many aspects of comedy. I have done self deprecating comedy, impressions, story telling, one-liners, misdirection, religious, political, prop, sexual, racial, offensive, themed, low energy, high-energy, physical, satire, improvisational, sketch, mime, and a little bit of roasting. I even wrote a musical.

I have a lot of different friends, who all have different senses of humor that I had to adapt to in order to stay friends with. After a while I may forget their name but I will know to use a pun with those that can appreciate it. Or talk about the latest episode of Entourage and do a quick impression. Or even tell someone who knows my dad an embarrassing story.

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May 12, 2011

Can You Purchase A Bazooka At Walmart?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

At work, I was serving a couple who were curious to know my nationality. They were half-Filipino/half-white, and I was trying to describe to them the general location of Cambodia on a map. So I basically broke down Asia into the big pieces: Mainland China, Japan and Southeast Asia (Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia) in relation to the Philippines. I mentioned India, Afghanistan and Pakistan, and they immediately exploded into prejudice comments. (“Damn towelheads! Red dot hodgies!”)

Two weeks after 9/11, when I was in school at IU, a girl from Indonesia was reported to have been punched in the face by a male on campus. She may have been Muslim. But there are over a billion Muslims worldwide who have no ties to Al Queda, just as neo-Nazis and Klansmen who are Christians don’t represent the whole religion or all white people, even though they would certainly like to.

Quick judgments based on profiling frustrate me. We dehumanize foreigners while America’s reputation as a nation of elitists is overshadowed by impatient, fat, lazy, selfish domestic attitudes. As Americans, we are divided on when our nation should go to war. Should we go to war to stop genocide? Should we go to war with Central and/or South American nations because they ship drugs into our country? One definite — we can always wage war in the name of revenge. See: Pearl Harbor and 9/11.

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May 11, 2011

Route 69: Double Entendre Road Signs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

While out driving the other day, I saw a bunch of road signs that somehow all reminded me of my sex life. Half of these signs should hang above my side of the bed, and the other half should hang on Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed.

Over Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Dip
2. Falling Rocks
3. No U-Turns
4. Road Closed To Thru Traffic
5. Speed Bump
6. Handicapped Parking Only
7. Slow Children at Play
8. Mile Marker 69
9. Loose Gravel
10. Rough Grooved Surface

Over Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Road Narrows
2. Bridge Out Ahead
3. Wrong Way
4. Sharp Curve Ahead
5. No Parking At Any Time
6. Road Construction Next 5 Miles
7. Do Not Enter
8. Slippery When Wet
9. No Dumping Allowed
10. Parking in Rear

I acted out the Loose Gravel sign, and Mrs. Buddah was somehow turned off. Tonight I’m gonna work hard on obeying No Dumping Allowed.

May 7, 2011

You Might Be A Douchebag

Now here's a real fucking D-bag! How dare she win!

by MICHELLE DEE

If you find yourself wearing your sunglasses indoors, with a suit jacket over your band T-shirt, obnoxiously chewing a stick of gum, you might be a douchebag.

If you are over 30 and still feel the need to flip the bird, throw up devil horns, or show off your Gene Simmons tongue in a photo, you might be a douchebag.

If you post a pic of yourself with a hot chick on a dating profile and fill in your interests as, sex, working out and racing up your pimped-out candy-painted Mustang, you might be a douchebag.

If you find yourself laughing maniacally, challenging an old lady with said pimped-out car at a stop light, you might be a douchebag.

If you are the type that winks at any cashier or waitress you hand your card to, you might be a douchebag.

If you are the guy doing a disappearing coin trick as your only means to connect with a child, you might be a douchebag.

Actually, fuck might, you ARE a Douchebag!

May 1, 2011

Dicks: A Song About Sausage Fests

Paul Lao is himself a dick.

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

[To the tune of any piece-of-shit song by Papa Roach]

VERSE 1
This place is so great, there is so much beer.
Alright Mikey, we’ll walk around
If you and I split up we’ll cover more ground
In a half an hour we’ll try and meet here
Once we find girls we’ll probably find more beer
Oh, wait a minute, I’ve become out of touch
There’s something amiss, there’s something too much.
A guy over here, a guy over there
OMG, what a nightmare!
I hope this is some kind of trick
’cause I think we are surrounded by DICK.

CHORUS
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
I’m sick of looking at pricks
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
These are horrible statistics.
You know that there is a confounding factor
One obvious detractor
That that none of us can fix
It’s the incredible population of dicks! Dicks! Dicks!

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February 6, 2011

NIFOTK: Piperisms

NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS

Our Weekly Family-Friendly Sunday Segment

Piperisms

by CHANELL B.

 

Piper is my 6-year-old daughter. She has a wild imagination and often says many funny things unintentionally. The results are what you see below:

PIPER: Mommy, does this hotel have the food delivered to our room?
MOMMY: No, I don’t think so.
PIPER: Awww, I wish it did, ’cause I like servants!

PIPER: Why can’t Squidward (from Sponge Bob) just do a little love and stop bein’ mean all the time?

PIPER: There’s gonna be GALLONS of zombies at the zombie walk, isn’t there mommy?

PIPER: Look, mommy! Its a HERD of birds!!!

PIPER: Mommy, you have to lick it, and THEN you can stick it. You have to lick it before you stick it. Lick. Stick. Lick. Stick. Licksticklicksticklstlstlstlstlsticklstlstlickllllllll!!!

February 5, 2011

Random Trivia Facts

Desert Desert.

by FREETHY

  1. Snakes have two dicks.
  2. Strawberries are not berries.
  3. Sahara Desert is Desert Desert.
  4. The earth has more than two moons.
  5. We have between 16 and 21 senses, not only five.
  6. The egg came before the chicken.
  7. “Gorange” rhymes with “orange.”
  8. “Gorange” is an actual word.
  9. Napoleon was above-average height.
  10. Stalin was 5’5.
  11. Hitler wasn’t a vegetarian.
  12. The moon isn’t made out of cheese.
  13. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but part of it was.
February 4, 2011

5 Comedy Techniques That Have Stuck With Me

by ANDREW HICKS

While on the phone with my dad the other night, we were talking about comedy and my history with comedy, and he asked me, “Well, what are some of the early types of humor you liked that still stick with you?” I was a little tired, a little brain dead, and my immediate answer was, “Uh… as a kid until now, I’ve always enjoyed silly stuff. But not all silly stuff. Some of it’s stupid silly, some of it’s intellectual silly, and there’s good and bad examples of each, which kinda makes it all more silly.”

I stopped right there, as I was making not a single lick of rational sense, but my dad’s question led me to think a little bit about which forms and methods of comedy I appreciated early on and still carry with me. So I wrote this:

5 COMEDY TECHNIQUES

THAT HAVE STUCK WITH ME

1. DEADPAN

At the age of 11, after seeing the 1989 Tim Burton movie, I became obsessed with all things Batman. The ’60s TV show, in particular. I took it rather seriously at first, but as I grew into my sense of humor throughout adolescence, I started to appreciate the deadpan genius of Adam West and a few of the veteran character actors on the show.

Neil Hamilton, who played Commissioner Gordon, was a master of finding the super-serious side of funny in the often-outlandish dialogue he was given and performances he was surrounded by. The man was a brilliant straight man, whether he realized it or not. The style and rhythm of his dialogue delivery influence me to this day.

Also, I fell hard for Airplane! at an impressionable age. I loved the combination of obvious, elementary-level jokes and straight-faced performances of Leslie Nielson, Peter Graves and Robert Stack. I recently learned that the studio balked at the casting of dramatic actors in those parts and wanted Chevy Chase, Dom Deluise and Bill Murray instead. Which would not have been nearly as sublimely silly.

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January 22, 2011

Hooker Or Slut? You Decide!

by Allison Stein

[Editors Note: Please join us here at WNF as we welcome our latest addition to the writing staff. She loves Unicorns and Black Cock, though we’re never quite sure which she is actually referring to. – Woo]

So, I am here blogging, well sort of. This is my first blog, and it stems from a friend of mine thinking I am funny. So now I feel on the spot to be funny. Its kind of like knowing someone can do something and you walk up to them and demand that they do it. Like, walking up to a pirate and demand they say “ARR Matey”, then laugh hysterically and walk away.

So, I may be funny, I may not. Time will tell. The one thing I do know for certain is, that I have often been called a Pirate Hooker, so without further adieu, here’s an “ARR Matey!!” for ya, but because I am a pirate HOOKER, I needs me cash now for performing for you. Just sayin, Hookers get paid, sluts do it for free, and I don’t want to be considered a “slut”. You know… ’cause that would be bad umkay.

January 20, 2011

Poll: Weird Al’s Parody Of “Grenade”

January 11, 2011

Comedy In Purgatory: Hell Gigs

by Andrew King

Every comedian I know has a great story of a really bad gig. The better ones have several. Hell Gigs are a rite of passage in the comedian community, an integral part of the journey of being a stand-up comic. There are many ingredients to a Hell Gig, they can have a combination of,  or all of these things:

[_] Heckler (You suck!)

[_] Oblivious/Bad Audience (What? Comedians? WTF is a comedian?)

[_] Awkward Set-Up (So here’s a milk-crate you can stand on… What? No, the TV’s will still be on.)
Now this particular gig had all of the above…

It was a benefit show for a guy who had cancer. I say “had” because he died before the show. So the benefit changed goals and now the proceeds would be going to a cancer charity. The show itself took place outside of a biker bar in East Moline, Illinois. Already there are enough signs to know that it’s going to be rough.

The stage was a Semi-truck’s flatbed trailer. There was a ladder nailed to it so you could get onto it. The trailer faced the brick wall of the bar and the audience was at an angle eating curly fries. I’ll try to illustrate below:

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December 3, 2010

(No)vember

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Oftentimes one of the core writers here at WNF will create a Facebook status built around a cheap wordplay joke. Then the rest of us chime in, and all of a sudden we’re at 300 comments, all trafficking in the same wordplay digression. The results range from “hilarious” to “dull pile of aardvark vomit.” We’ll leave it up to our readers to decide which extreme is represented here.

The theme for this particular session of wordplay was “November.” Ready to read it? Click the images in order BELOW-vember.