Posts tagged ‘Elvis’

December 20, 2011

We ‘Bout To Get Kim Jong Ill

Kim Jong swills.

Before his death, the North Korean dictator merchandised the crap out of his likeness rights… KIM JONG SHILL.

Roasted dog-meat burgers are on the Dollar Menu at KIM JONG GRILL.

That little guy sure had a high voice… KIM JONG SHRILL.

Dude had a sex change 30 years ago that was somehow hidden from mass media… KIM JONG JILL.

North Korea should construct a protected landscape using Kim Jong’s figure as inspiration. Enjoy your kimshe on the grassy tummy area of KIM JONG HILL.

Or in Summer 2012: Take the kids for a spin on the new Wackadoodle Minicoaster at KIM JONGVILLE.

Care for fresh pepper on your Korean food? Ask the waiter to grind his KIM JONG MILL.

For being a totalitarian, he had little power in the bedroom — he could only manage the KIM JONG TIP DRILL.

Every time he ejaculated, it was a KIM JONG SPILL.

His hoarding habits will make for a lengthy read of the KIM JONG WILL.

Did he drown? Because I don’t think he was KIM JONG GILL.

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August 14, 2011

9 Crazy Christian School Memories

by ANDREW HICKS

1. In first grade, I’m not even 6 years old when the teacher instructs us to speak in tongues. Like it’s a class exercise or something — we just finished our simple addition, now it’s time to talk in tongues. There was a whole room of small children and a middle-aged lady producing spiritual babble on cue. Can’t vouch for the other kids, but I faked it to fit in. Just said random Italian-sounding words. I only remember this happening once. It should seem obvious to both believers or non-believers that you don’t simply tell a kid to have the Holy Spirit come upon him and get spiritually overtaken on demand.

2. Our school cafeteria had the world’s best pretzels with cheese and ice cream sandwiches made from soft, Subway-sized chocolate-chip cookies. You could get a pretzel with cheese AND ice cream sandwich for 75 cents. My health never stood a chance.

3. When I was a sophomore or so, the school booked veteran session guitarist turned Christian solo musician Mike Deasy to perform in chapel for the junior high and high school. They took up a love offering among students to help cover Deasy’s travel and performance expenses, but there wasn’t much love offered, I suppose because everyone was holding onto their cash to buy ice cream sandwiches with. We were all reprimanded by a teacher a few days later, who said she was taking up a collection to mail Deasy a check or something. Keep in mind, this guy had played with the Beach Boys, Byrds, Joe Cocker, Jackson 5, Billy Joel, Little Richard, Elvis, Simon and Garfunkel and Frank Sinatra.

4. We read Shakespeare from a Christian textbook that changed Lady Macbeth’s line, “Out, out, damned spot!” to, “Out, out, foul spot!”

5. At one point, two of the school administrators who ranked higher than our principal interrogated the entire high school one person at a time. We were brought into a downstairs room I’d never seen before to be asked if we were users of alcohol, marijuana, tobacco or smokeless tobacco, or if we knew of anyone who did. It was like a vice version of McCarthyism.

6. I remember my science teacher publicly embarrassing a female student and sending her to the office because the cameltoe in her acid-wash jeans was “showing all your nooks and crannies.” I’m still strangely aroused by acid-wash cameltoe to this day.

7. The entire high school is ushered into the underground tunnel connecting the school to the church for an emergency meeting. By candlelight, in somber tones, a teacher tells us, “Today, [the science teacher] was arrested by the state of Missouri for refusing to teach evolution in her classroom.” A few gasps are heard and tears are shed before it’s revealed to just be a simulation of end-times chaos or something.

8. I am told to go to Hollywood and write more wholesome movies like Sister Act.

9. Before the drama teacher arrived to class, we’d have one student stand guard at the door while the rest of us snuck a peek at pay-per-play UHF music video channel The Box on the TV/VCR AV cart combo. Nine times out of ten, Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” would be playing on The Box. Forbidden fruit, indeed!

April 13, 2011

3DSC, Day 12: Song you just like because of the video

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 12: SONG YOU JUST LIKE BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO

J.MIZ

When asked about being so close to a vicious, deadly creature, the snake said Britney was cool, but that song she did called "Lucky" was a piece of crap.

Oh Baby Baby” and “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Miss Britney. Who says chicks can’t have school girl and snake fantasies?! And she danced her white girl booty off. I loved “Slave” on MTV and in the club, but neither got put on a J.Miz mix tape of any sort.

ANDREW HICKS
I put “Slave” on a mix CD. And I don’t think I would have paid attention to any Britney Spears song if not for the videos. Except “Toxic.” “Toxic” is pure pop genius.

J.MIZ
She’s sexy when she’s not banging K-Fed or batshit.

ANDREW HICKS
At first, I thought you meant when Britney’s not banging K-Fed or banging batshit.

J.MIZ
I’m pretty over “Thriller,” but that’s by far one of the best videos ever made ever ever.

ANDREW HICKS
I’m pretty over YouTube videos of flash mobs imitating the “Thriller” graveyard dance sequence.

J.MIZ
I like the pseudo-lesbianism of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the AerosmithCrazy” video, but the meter of that song gets my goat. (What am I, 80 now? Gets my goat? WTF.) Not to hate on Aerosmith and get simultaneously jooked by Buddah, but that’s my least favorite song of theirs. The bitches be banging though.

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January 28, 2011

Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

QUESTION: What enduring popular songs or music acts can you absolutely not stand?

J.MIZ: I hate anything by The Doors. I hate Metallica. I hate Trent Reznor — the only time I’d use a strap-on on a d00d. I never ever liked Nirvana. Madonna suck began with Ray of Light. I like one Led Zeppelin song. And I really don’t give two shits about Smashing Pumpkins.

ANDREW HICKS: I’ve been going to regular karaoke for almost a decade, and there are a handful of cliches whose single opening notes instantly and eternally grate on me. Bob Seger‘s “Turn the Page” might be the most heinous offender. Faith Hill‘s “Breathe,” Martina McBride‘s “My Daughter’s Eyes” and “I Hope You Dance” from Lee Ann Womack are the trifecta of suicidally bad chick adult-contemporary country.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: “Mickey.” Toni Basil is a fucking cock tease. First she wants to go home, then she wants him around. Back and forth. Also, what kind of dipshit woman tells her man he’s pretty? And, on a personal level, “Mickey” rhymes with “Vickie.” Why do people think I want this song, damn clapping and all, sung to me?

C.J. DODD: I hate Ke$ha. The dollar sign in her name comes from the large amount of single dollar bills she received when she sold out.

ANNE GARDNER: “I Honestly Love You,” by Olivia Newton John. Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Honestly.

WOO: Anything by bands with the name of a city — Boston, Chicago, etc. Fuck em all! And anything by The Eagles. Used to love them, now can’t stand them at all since that Hell Freezes Over bullshit.

MICHELLE DEE: Get over it, Woo… I hate anything by Olivia Newton John. Her voice makes my teeth ache. I also hate “We’re Not Gonna Take It” from Twisted Sister.

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December 5, 2010

Men Being Men

by ANDREW HICKS, RYAN KRAUSE and JESSICA STIMSON
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every now and then, two greats will cross paths and bask in the other’s genius. Picture that black-and-white portrait of President Richard Nixon shaking the hand of Big Old Elvis Presley in the Oval Office. Imagine being the guy on the third barstool the night Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks crossed each other’s paths and traded comedic world-views over what had to be a ton of drinks.

Or how about sitting front row at the 1990 Grammy Awards, when Michael Bolton, Kenny G and the long shiny brass shaft of a Soprano Sax shared the stage for a performance of “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” that still holds a proud place in adult-contemporary history? Michael Bolton did not leave that night without a Grammy, but I don’t need to tell you that.

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