Archive for ‘Drugs and Alcohol’

January 6, 2012

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

  • I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!
  • Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?
  • What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!
  • The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.
  • I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.
  • The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!
  • When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.
  • I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.
  • Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.
  • Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid
  • Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!
  • I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.
  • White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.
  • The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.
  • I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.
  • Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.
  • I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.
  • I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.
  • To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.
  • A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.
  • The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.
  • I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.
  • Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.
  • I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.
  • My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”
  • If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.
  • Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.
  • If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.
  • Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.
  • I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.
  • Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.
  • I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.
  • I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.
  • I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.
  • I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!
December 9, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 17

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Helen Keller and the Miracle Worker in black used to play a fun game where the Miracle Worker would breathe into Helen's face, and Helen would determine exactly what the Miracle Worker ate for breakfast that morning.

“I ain’t no holla back girl!” -Helen Keller

Awhile back, somebody gave me some Fire & Ice enhancing lube. In those days, we called it “the clap.”

Money can’t buy you love, but you can buy it for yourself.

Every time I type “fucking” into my cellphone, it asks if I mean “sucking.” How THE HELL does it know I’m on my period?

I never trust a guy with a Kings of Leon ringtone.

Some men find me a little too crass. In all honesty, that’s a pretty fair assessment. I expect it. From a pussy.

Opinions are like assholes — sometimes there’s sucking involved.

I LOVE the feel of a warm body next to me as I sleep. But the downside is, it never lasts. They start smelling if you don’t ice them down.

I never trust a guy in a jean shirt.

read more »

November 28, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 16

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

L to R: Chippy, Chippy, Chippy

  • Until they tell me otherwise, I will assume that all squirrels are named Chippy.
  • I recently started putting baking soda in my cat’s litterbox. But honestly I’m disappointed in the efficacy. He has not made ANY crack.
  • If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly drove to some guy’s for a booty call, I’d be able to pay for all these DUIs.
  • If I had a dollar for every time I said, “If I had a dollar…” I’d say nothing but THAT.
  • I heard some guy call himself a “recovering alcoholic.” I thought that was a pretty fancy name for what I always called “Sunday.”
  • When I get a new haircut, I need to fuck something. That’s just the way it is.
  • As I walk to work on this windy Chicago day, I have newfound respect for the salmon.
  • Whenever my black friends quote anything, I always incorrectly assume it’s from “The Color Purple,” the Bible or T.I.
    read more »

November 9, 2011

The Majesty of Karaoke

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Karaoke: Where the world's most attractive people huddle together and scream beautifully into a microphone.

“For every failed singer in this world, there is a karaoke DJ eating his weight in hot wings by dim light.”
-Voltaire

The ancient Japanese art of karaoke has never really seemed to hit its zenith in America. Even today, every bar you go to has at least one karaoke night on its chalkboard schedule, nestled between $2 Pitcher Tuesday and Thirsty Thursday.

So what’s the appeal? For every Joe Average, maybe it’s the dream of wooing a lady friend with a mystical version of Peter Frampton‘s “Baby, I Love Your Way.” In reality, the alcohol involved always seems to transform Frampton’s ode to loving a female’s way into a horribly off-key, off-rhythm “‘OohbabeeILove…’ where am I? The damn screen’s moving too fast. Where’s Brenda at? Get up here, y’whore! ‘WannaTeeellYou…'”

Karaoke, at its crux, is basic good fun. No one’s there to judge your performance. Oh sure, that guy who just threw up on his shirt sorta looks like Simon Cowell, but remember: you’re wearing beer goggles. I lied about the “no one’s judging you” thing, actually. If you’re singing, you should be aware that I am judging you based on pitch, vocal range and choice of material. I am your own… personal… Cowell.

But you’re not going to win a recording contract and/or make millions with me. I’m judging you solely because I don’t want to make the same mistakes you do. Recently, I made plans to go out with a girl (yeah, I was surprised, too) who absolutely loves to sing. And apparently displays the same lack of shame that I do. A keeper? After tonight’s debacle? Right? (Right!) You’re bloody well right!

read more »

October 12, 2011

My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

by ANDREW HICKS

I used to drink so much the labels looked like they were on backward.

Next week, it’ll be a year since I quit drinking. Though I am extremely grateful and proud that I’ve been able to do it, I feel like it might not be commonly known to the people in my life that I used to drink a LOT. This is a list of the top five alcoholic substances I abused during my decade of hardcore drinking.

1. BEER
To give you just a tiny idea of how much beer I used to drink, this is what my Mondays were like 9 months out of the year: Wake up around 4 pm, hungover/still drunk from the night before. Eat about ten bucks worth of Panera. Go to my men’s bowling league, where the other members of Team Ramrod and I would take turns buying pitchers of Bud Light for the next three hours. Then, it was off to the shithole bar up the street for three more hours of cheap draft beer, jukebox songs, shuffleboard games and loud, obnoxious laughter. Then we’d go to the casino, where I’d drink more draft beer until the bar closed at 3. This was something like two gallons of beer every Monday. And I didn’t take the rest of the week off or anything.


2. CHEAP WHITE WINE

Wine didn’t really enter the picture until my wife got pregnant with my oldest child. I took that old doctor’s cliche about, “One glass of wine won’t hurt you,” and ran with it. I’d buy the magnum-size bottles of chardonnay or sauvignon blanc — cheap stuff like Liberty Creek, Crane Lake, Turning Leaf and other brands that sound like names of bad apartment complexes.

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September 20, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

  • Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
  • When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
  • My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
  • You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
  • It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
  • About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
  • I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
  • They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
  • Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
  • When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
  • You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
  • In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
  • Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
  • I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
  • My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
  • Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
  • I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
  • I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
  • I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
  • Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
  • It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
  • I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
  • Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
  • Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
  • My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
  • I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
  • My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.
September 7, 2011

’80s Shoulder-Pad Dance Party!

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Are your shoulder pads a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda?

Laughing at yourself is fun. Laughing at others is even better.

Now, before you skewer me and throw me over an open flame, let me explain. I am not talking about the kind of laughter that comes from watching another suffer at the hands of cruelty or mean-spiritedness. I am talking about watching your dearest friend, clearly over-served by the bartender, bump and grind on the dance floor with an equally over-served stranger. Or watching someone you adore emerge from the ladies’ room with her skirt tucked neatly in the back of her tights.

I had one such embarrassing incident back in 1988 or so. I was about 24 years old, living in downtown D.C. and running around with the world in my back pocket. My best friends and I spent many a night hitting the club scene, drinking cheap champagne for hours before pouring ourselves into a cab to head home.

Our favorite hangout was an upscale spot along the Georgetown waterfront called the River Club. We owned that joint. We were dressed to impress.

Now, I know not all of you will remember the miracle of shoulder pads and remember them with quite the fondness that I do, but believe me, I thought they were THE BOMB. No fashion ensemble of mine was ever complete without big hair, a short skirt and the biggest shoulder pads I could find.

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August 31, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

  • Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.
  • It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”
  • I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.
  • My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.
  • While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.
  • Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!
  • If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?
  • Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.
  • “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus
  • I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.
  • I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.
  • I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.
  • Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.
  • My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.
  • Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.
  • I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.
  • Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!
  • GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan
  • I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.
  • When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”
  • You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?
  • You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?
  • If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”
  • I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!
  • I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.
  • I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!
  • Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.
  • I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.
  • I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.
  • Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”
  • Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.
  • I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.
  • Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”
  • In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.
  • I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.
  • I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.
  • My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.
  • The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.
  • I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.
  • I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.
  • There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.
  • I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.
  • ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.
  • It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.
  • I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.
  • The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.
  • My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.
  • One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.
  • My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.
  • My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.
  • People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.
  • I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.
  • The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”
August 28, 2011

When Disaster Strikes, Drink Vodka

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Shoulda got here a little earlier, lady. The good toilet paper is long gone.

It’s been a rough week for people who live close to the nation’s capital. An “earthquake event” this week led straight into a massive “hurricane event.” Hope you got out your ark and your paddles, folks. Hope you loaded up the animals, and battened down the hatches. Irene’s a real frog-strangler.

Here is the really interesting part. Virginia declared a “state of emergency” on Thursday. First thought in my brain when I heard the news: I wonder how late the liquor store is open. I was out of vodka, and there was no way in hell I was going to weather a Category 3 hurricane without some hooch. While the rest of the world stuffed their grocery carts with non-perishables and toilet paper, I was wondering if I should use grenadine or sweet and sour in the Serene Irene cocktail I was inventing.

(By the way, have you NOTICED how many hurricane names start with the letter I? Ike, Isabelle, Igor. And this is the second Hurricane Irene in 12 years. We should start at “Z” next year and work our way backwards through the alphabet, just for a change of pace. We can call the first one “Zazoo” or “Zippy”.)

It’s always such fun to watch the masses scramble to clean out every item known to man from the grocery store shelves. Hell, chaos reigns supreme after a half-inch of snow is forecasted in the metro D.C. area. I challenge you to find anything worth eating, drinking or wiping your butt with when a snowstorm is approaching around here. The Charmin and Angel Soft are the first to go. Arrive too late, and you will be wiping with house-brand sandpaper during the storm.

My pre-Irene shopping list was as follows — vodka for me, bourbon for my husband, club soda and Pepsi for mixers, a couple of limes, maybe some champagne for mimosas, and of course, Charmin. I didn’t buy any food, because I don’t cook on weekends, and I definitely don’t cook during Category 3 hurricanes. Hot dogs and PB&Js have sufficed just fine, and it’s great to make the Domino’s guy drive to your house during a hurricane.

As of midnight Sunday, my power was still on. I got some pre-season football in, and some booze, and I’ve been using the softest of toilet paper. I never thought I’d say it, but hurricanes can be pretty cool sometimes.

August 26, 2011

From the WNF Macro-brewery…

by ERIC DOHMAN with ANDREW HICKS, EVE VENTRELLA and J.MIZ

You know about our official line of We’re Not Funny T-shirts. Now get crunk WNF-style with our new product roll-out of eight beer brands, ranging in price from “dirt cheap” to “rigoddamdiculous.”

Miller Low Life: The Over-40 40!

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This genie has been stuck in this bottle since 1979.

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Australian For "Irrational Multicultural Adoption Fetish."

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When "The Best" Is Just Too Damn Good...

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Blue Poon: The Perfect Companion For Blue Balls.

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Goes Down Like Milk.

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Isn't it Time For Your Pabst Smear?

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Lance Bass Pale Ale: Lighter Than Loafers!

August 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

    Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

  • A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.
  • I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”
  • Glee makes my vagina seal shut.
  • Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.
  • Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”
  • I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.
  • I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.
  • I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.
  • The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.
  • I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”
  • Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”
  • I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.
  • Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!
  • I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree
  • I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.
  • When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.
  • It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.
  • I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.
  • When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
  • Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.
  • I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts
  • The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.
  • I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot
  • Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”
  • I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.
  • Thunderstorms make me wet.
  • Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.
  • “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi
  • Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.
  • You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.
  • I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.
  • People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.
  • It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.
  • I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.
  • I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.
  • What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?
  • I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”
  • I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.
  • Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.
  • I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”
  • I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.
  • Safe words are for pussies and quitters.
  • My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.
  • You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?
  • My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.
  • I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.
  • I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.
August 7, 2011

Hung Over: A WNF Conversation

edited by ANDREW HICKS


Some days, WNF staff meetings never get off the ground.

EVE VENTRELLA
Does anyone else get nervous to look at your own comments on Facebook the next morning after drinking?

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I do. Today I’m afraid whatever I say on Facebook will be my last words, cuz I feel like death. I feel redrunk or something.

ERTEL GRAY
I get that, too. Like, say I’m here dickin’ off like usual on FB, then I walk to the store and get hit by a car. Oh great, Ertel’s last words were, “Hey, if a straight man buys a Fleshlight, do lesbians have to buy two of them?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I drunk dialed someone’s grandma last night and told her I didn’t feel well.

EVE VENTRELLA
Last night my grandma called and said some perv was trying to have phone sex with her.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, it wasn’t your grandma. Unless I went on a grandma drunk-dialing binge.

ERTEL GRAY
What is it with grandmas being so paranoid about people trying to sex ’em up? You’d think they’d appreciate the attention, right?

EVE VENTRELLA
My grandma says to “put up or shut up.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, I don’t remember much. I think I sent her a picture of my penis or my mangina. I may have tucked it under for her.

EVE VENTRELLA
Is it possible to do the mangina/weiner tuck and the “brain” at the same time?

ERTEL GRAY
Theoretically, the mangina/brain is possible. Depends on which end you’re starting from.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I may have called the police and cussed them out last night.

EVE VENTRELLA
It should be illegal for drunk people to be within three feet of a phone.

ERTEL GRAY
There should be a drunk-dialing app for smartphones that chooses numbers at random. Imagine drunk dialing someone from another country.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, the room is spinning.

ERIC DOHMAN
I’m in the same boat right now, Linville. I literally can’t leave bed. Debating whether to piss in this cup.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Just pee on a pile of clothes.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh man, that’s what we call Mid-’50s Rural Kentucky Drunk.

ERIC DOHMAN
Never struggled this much for a morning erection.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It is possible to rub one out while limp. I did it after a whiskey night. However, it won’t make you feel better.

ERTEL GRAY
^Truth right there. I never thought the words “depressing” and “orgasm” could be uttered in the same sentence.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It was the weirdest thing. The orgasm cameth, and yet I still wanted to die.

ERTEL GRAY
The closest thing I could equate it to would be stumbling on a digital camera with Helen Hunt nudes. You’d be like “Oh man, this… oh shit, it’s Helen Hunt. Who gives a shit if she’s nude?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m getting depressed just thinking about that. Uh oh, the heartburn is starting. Ugh.

ERIC DOHMAN
I need Wendy’s. Fuck!

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I feel like Stephen Hawking with a broken computer speaking device.

EVE VENTRELLA
I’m sure Mr. Hawking would be flattered.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m drooling just like him right now.

ERIC DOHMAN
He gets laid more.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m better at planking though.

ERTEL GRAY
Speaking of Hawking, are we 100 percent positive that those are the actual words he’s thinking that come from his SpeechTron 5000? He could be giving some speech on space/time, and in reality, he could be thinking, “I could use a good blowjob right about now.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Does it just speak what he is thinking? Cuz that really could be embarrassing.

ERTEL GRAY
I could totally see him desperately reaching with his tongue for the volume button whenever he thinks, “Jeez, that woman in the third row has some AMAZING tits!”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ohhhhhhh the room is spinning again. Uggggggggggh.

August 4, 2011

9 Demons of the College House Party

By PAUL LAO and HIS UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCES
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"If you're white, lemme hear ya say 'HOAHH!'"

At its best, a party contains abundant drink, music, laughter, possibility, magic, literal fire, humor and conversation. But parties are more often destructive than constructive, and they’re like a storm — you can predict the time, the size and the location, but you can’t predict the severity until it’s too late. These are the nine demons of the college party:

1. The Host
You cannot have a parasite without a host. The Host is essentially the brood mother or party summoner. One thing The Host doesn’t have to be is the owner of the location. Simply, The Host is the walking green light that says, “Hey guys, it’s okay! Come over here, and we are going to fuck shit up!” And if The Host is renting the house or apartment, rest assured he doesn’t care about getting his deposit back. The deposit could be his life and that of one innocent person. It doesn’t matter — as soon as he has the keys, they’re both gone. To the party host, a deposit is just the cover charge for some good home demolition.

2. The Libation Peasants
In the old Warcraft game, you have these little peasants who collect resources for your army. They are the work horses who drive the campaign, much like the beer runners at a party. Often, these alcohol hunters will settle for the cheapest and least-passable sensory-dulling libation to pour down the mouths of babes. But, surprisingly, what they lack in beer sense, they make up for in the quality of their hard liquor and weed. Nothing’s quite as strange and glorious as the party combo of Johnny Walker Blue, Arab Diesel Kush and a 30-pack of Natty.

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July 27, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

  • Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

    Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

  • As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz
  • I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.
  • I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.
  • I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.
  • One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.
  • Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?
  • I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.
July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
July 15, 2011

de·caf (/ˈdēˌkaf/) n. – Coffee without coffee

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Image from Cubiclecoffee.com

Today begins like any other day, except that by the time I roll out of bed it’s already too hot outside to be alive. This morning, we get up, we take baths, and we get ready for my 4 year old’s play date. If you do not yet have children, doubtless you are unaware of the glorious splendor of the drop-off play date. And if you only have one child, please realize the play date becomes exponentially more glorious once you are parent to multiple children.

So we get ready, and we load ourselves into the car and head down to my daughter’s friend’s house. I drop her off, make plans with the mom for pick up, and then head on over to my happy haven, Starbucks. At this point, I just have my 4 month old in the car. It’s 105 degrees outside, so we decide to take advantage of the drive thru. Just my luck, there’s no line. I pull up, place my order, and pull around to the window to await my pseudo-refreshment.

Why do you call it pseudo-refreshment, Anne? you ask. Well, since my son was born, I’ve sworn off caffeine. Caffeine passes through breast milk, and since I’m breastfeeding and would prefer not to have to care for a rowdy infant, I’ve been assuaging my coffee addiction by ordering decaf instead. And in terms of taste, I’ve actually grown accustomed to decaf and can no longer tell the difference.

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July 12, 2011

A Pothead Speaks: Why Marijuana Should NOT Be Legalized

by KB MARION
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

It's a quick leap from legalization to corporatization. But there won't be any Dollar Menu for weed.

I absolutely cannot stand the progressive mentality. Progress is not always the best thing for society. Take, for instance, the Internet. Yes, it allows us to download free music and keep up with the latest ever-so-important celebrity gossip, but the web is also a widespread tool for degenerates with an exorbitant amount of resources. Prior to the Internet, you could always tell the perverts by their wiry grin, ’70s mustache and windowless van. Well, unfortunately, progressivism is butting its ugly head into my stash. There is a movement to legalize marijuana, and as a weed smoker, I am against it.

Many people have stated that the marijuana crop will help with our nation’s deficit. However, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction (or so I’ve heard). Proponents of legalization are idealistic and too trusting of the American government. Anything that has value in the United States always garner greedy lobbyists who ruin it for everyone except the few who would benefit — in this case, Wall Street and the would-be corporate growers. This is already occurring in California, where medical marijuana growers helped vote down the legalization bill. Nope, marijuana ain’t just for hippies anymore. Our beloved green has been going corporate, and this is just the beginning.

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July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
June 24, 2011

The Margarita Machine

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Lola Tucker's divorced female friend doesn't have time to shave her arms since she got ahold of the Buffett margarita machine.

Last night, as a gift to myself, I trekked across town to the home of a friend who just finalized her divorce. She lives in a bachelorette rental paradise where she doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s laundry, mess, hairs in the bathroom sink or unflushed toilets. Best of all, on the counter of her perfectly decorated kitchen bar area is — drumroll, please — a JIMMY BUFFETT MARGARITA MACHINE.

I found myself coveting it, longing for it. It was huge, nearly large enough to drown every ounce of stress that is currently plaguing my life. It shaved the ice instead of crushing it, and it even had a cool compartment that drained off any water that had melted from the ice, so it wouldn’t water down your drinks.

What an engineering marvel. I mean it. If any nominating member of the Nobel Prize committee is reading this, forget about that scientist who figured out how to self-replicate life with synthetic DNA, and give some props to the inventor of the Buffett margarita machine instead.

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