Archive for ‘Xmas’

December 23, 2011

Holiday Gift Ideas For the Giving Impaired

by ANDREW J HICKS
written December, 1993

Andrew Hicks in 1993. We think he still owns that tie.

For lack of anything better to utilize space, I will now bring to you THE ANDREW HICKS INDEX OF LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT-GIVING IDEAS VOLUME XXIII. If you’re anything like me, you now have two shopping days left until Christmas and haven’t even started your Christmas shopping yet. And, by December 23rd, the only things left in the stores are the 8-track recording of Barry Manilow Sings the Hits of Vanilla Ice and Santa Helper, a holiday variation on Hamburger Helper with reindeer meat substituted for ground beef.

Not to worry. With these six helpful hints, you’ll give your friends and family a Christmas they won’t soon forget. I can guarantee that!

  • Give something practical. I recommend the new combination Ginsu knife/laser disc player/encyclopedia/potato fryer/water purifier/mini-blender (because “love is a mini-blendered thing!”)/Thigh Master.
  • Most people prefer something you made yourself over an extravagant store-bought goods. What, you may ask, can I create on such short notice? Ever hear of the fine art of dryer lint sculpture?
  • No one can have too many pairs of underwear. Nothing says lovin’ like Fruit of the Loom!
  • For items over $30, leave the price tag on for that lavish appeal.
  • Chances are, if you just wrap up one of the person’s old items he’s forgotten about and give it as a gift, he’ll think you bought it. Best of all, it doesn’t cost you a dime… if you use a free community newspaper to wrap it.
  • If you’re planning on giving that special someone an all-expense paid trip, make sure it’s not an excursion to Beirut, Libya or downtown St. Louis.

And remember this: Even if you can’t find any last minute gift item to give them, most people will be willing to forgive you if you’ll show them how to program their VCR.

December 20, 2010

Special Christmas Message

by REVEREND ISAIAH “PRAYER” FOHMUNEE

This is your Reverend, over at the First Apostolic Landmark Diastolic Systolic Anastomotic  Missionary Free Methodist Double Double Rock Rock In The Path To Zion Halfway To Heaven Holiness Baptist Church Of The Immaculate Preconceived Interventionist Episcopal Conceptualization Temple. I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas on behalf of my congregation, and We’re Not Funny. Oh, and for you heathens, Happy Holidays as well. You bunch of Quasi Kwanzaa, Half-Ass Hanukkah, Superfluous Solstice celebrators. Jesus loves you anyway, yes, yes he do. And now, allow me to lead you in this here prayer:

Dear Godaaaaa,

I comes to ya Lord. I said, I stands before ya Jesusaaa. I said I humbly humbly humbly lay my soul bare to you Gee-Hov-aaaaa, to thank ya’ Lord for the many blessings you hath given. This Christmas season’a, there are so many Lord, so many who do not have a Playstation 3. I said no Playstation 3. Some of ’em Lord, they got three Playstation 1’s. But in your omnipotence Lord I know you know that ain’t the same’a. I said you know that ain’t ain’t ain’t the same! We not askin’ for the keys to the kingdom here Fatha’. We just need us some entertainments. We also know Savior, that there are those brothers and sisters among us driving around in 1986 Chevy Citations. I said a Haaaaatchbaaack’a. Oh Dear Jeeeeesus, you know the reliability just isn’t there Lord. How can we spread your word when the car won’t start? How can we make a sinner desire what we have with you Lord’a, when they see us in the hoopty. Reverend get lonely Lord, I said loooonely Lord. How’s a humble humble servant supposed to get some companionship on these cold cold nights of the Christmas Season? Maybach! Oh yes Lord’a. I said a brotha’ need to lay-back in the Maybach! Represent your name in style. P. Diddy only spreads the name of P. Diddy Laaaawd, but he get to lay-back’a. I said I need the Maybach’a. I come humbly humbly humbly before you with such a simple request’a. But I digress’a. Gee-Hov-aaaaa, bless these WNF reader’s this season. Let ’em know you the reason.

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnaaa.

Yo’ offerings can be mailed right on in to Jesuuuuuus here:

F.A.L.D.S.A.M.F.M.D.D.R.R.I.T.P.T.Z.H.T.H.H.B.C.O.T.I.P.I.E.C.T. 
C/O Reverend Isaiah "Prayer" Fohmunee
P.O. Box 777
Holiness Chapel Village, New York 77777
December 19, 2010

Using the Force To Find Baby Jesus

by J. MIZ

My mom had the tree up, and  ready for my 3 yr old niece Azzy, to help decorate. This afternoon, she brought up all the boxes of ornaments (35 yrs worth) and had them all set out. When the tree was like 9/10 done, Azzy came across a Tupperware box of the Hallmark Keepsakes ornaments, in their own boxes. She got all excited (not realizing she had already removed some of them earlier) because she the found the box Baby Jesus went in, but it was empty. So, after some digging, she found Baby Jesus. She was soooooo happy & yelling “Look it’s baby Jesus! It’s baby Jesus!” She then presents us with Baby Jesus, but we all know Baby Jesus a little better by his “hollywood name.” Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Merry Xmas Baby Jesus. May the force be with you.

As a side note (and to show a bit of  her dry humor) my mom says, “Well, in her defense, she’s never really been to church. She got the beard and robe right, so HEY!”

December 17, 2010

Buddah’s Holiday Tips

by BUDDAH ESKEW

#8--Just add milk and 5 more maids.

1. Yuletide does not fight to get out stains as well as regular Tide.

2. You will never win a game of Strip Dreidel with a Jewish chick.

3. Never punch an elf before all the toys are made.

4. This year’s fruitcake will be made from the remains of Bea Arthur.

5. Now we don our gay apparel, which is fine IF YOU’RE GAY!

6. I said “Mall Santa,” not “Maul Santa!” Bad doggy!

7. If there are really sugar plums dancing in your head, you may want to schedule an appointment with your therapist.

#10--Reindeer sausage, reindeer brats, braised reindeer, reindeer on a stick, reindeer kabobs...

8. Eight maids a’milking sounds dirty, but I can live with it.

9. Damned! Wal-Mart is out of frankincense and myrrh again!

10. Reindeer sausage is NOT the other white meat.

11. This holiday season, please give to Charity. She is my favorite dancer at the strip club.

12. Yes, Hallmark Channel, I would love to see another sappy Christmas movie starring Mary Steenburgen.

13. Eggnog without a little rum is kinda like Hitler without a little mustache.

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December 11, 2010

Christmas Muzak

by ANDREW HICKS

Every year around Thanksgiving, the musical floodgates open and heap steaming piles of reindeer dung on our listening ears. Anyone can drop a Christmas album at any time. Rick Springfield and the Captain and Tennille both released Christmas albums in 2007. Not 1982. Two thousand and freaking seven! And Toby Keith has a double-disc Christmas album! And I’ve heard it – the entire second disc is nothing but up-tempo boot-stomping songs about how Santa Claus doesn’t bring presents to towel-headed boys and girls.

Despite the flood of product, there’s really just a handful of Christmas songs, and there’s only so much you can do with the lyrics. Take: “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” Now there’s an observant soul who’s been to a shopping mall sometime since September. Nice work, poetic lyricist.

Or: “I’ll be home for Christmas… if only in my dreams.” Try using that one the next time your grandma invites you to that three-hour Christmas worship service at her Pentecostal church all the way across town. “Mom, thank you, I can’t wait, and I will definitely be there… if only in my dreams.”

That logic can be applied with very broad strokes. Maybe I’ll be a multi-billionaire with magic powers and a set of blond 19-year-old twins for Christmas… if only in my dreams.

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December 7, 2010

The 12 Don’ts of Christmas

by MICHELLE DEE and WOO

Do you have holiday pet peeves? Aside from the term “pet peeve” itself, I mean? I’m sure we all do, and here we have decided to take note of a few for you. Perhaps you are one of the offenders. Please, take our advice, and correct your behaviors. We have a PhD In Christmas, after all.

1. Save the bow if you must, but wrapping paper is meant to be ripped open. Don’t sit there and have a 20 minute conversation with everyone waiting while you try to pry off the scotch tape. Seriously Grandma, this one is for you. Stop denying it now!

2. Always bring the hostess a gift, but not cheese balls/logs. If everyone brings cheese balls the rest will go spoiled before the first one is ever used. I think we all can relate to spoiled cheesy balls. Oh yes you can, go take a shower! How about your bring Wine instead. Wine is better with age, and your family is more acceptable when you’re sloshed.

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December 6, 2010

WNF Holiday Shopping Guide, Pt. 2

by We’re Not Funny as written by Woo

We’re back, with more amazing items for your perusal! This is more exciting than Cop Rock!

Yeah, you’re reading that correctly. I said yes already! Subtle Butt, ok? These rectangular strips of fabric and activated carbon are your stinky asses new best-friend. Or your best-friend’s stinky asses new best… chance at having more friends than just you? It’s not your fault you were born with no scent receptors, stop your whining! Forget your impotent smellbuds and think of someone else for a change! This compact fart filter is yearning to slide down the crack of your rancid ass right now. Your only other options are complete social ostracization, or shoving actual charcoal right into the starfish’s mouth. Save the charcoal for the grill, and get these for those bologna blocks you call an ass. And, hey, while you’re over there ordering cloth stickers for your budonk, why not look at a few of their other products: Knicker Stickers, Delicates Defender, Nipplomats, The Perk Up, Skid out, and Drip Sticks. You can’t write this shit folks.

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December 5, 2010

WNF Holiday Shopping Guide, Pt. 1

by We’re Not Funny

In this wonderful season of giving, we here at We’re Not Funny thought we would put together a special guide for you. Sometimes it’s just hard to buy for certain people. At times it’s our own creativity that stifles us when it comes to gift-giving. Other times we’re just selfish pricks who don’t give gifts. The list we’ve compiled for you would warm the heart of  Ebenezer Scrooge himself (The Donald Duck one, screw that Mr. Magoo Bullshit).


Don’t tell me you’ve never looked at your sandwich, and thought to yourself, “if only I could use this as a storage medium.” You lying twat!
Bonus: I like to pass them out to the hungry and homeless, just to watch their reaction.

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