9 Crazy Christian School Memories

by ANDREW HICKS

1. In first grade, I’m not even 6 years old when the teacher instructs us to speak in tongues. Like it’s a class exercise or something — we just finished our simple addition, now it’s time to talk in tongues. There was a whole room of small children and a middle-aged lady producing spiritual babble on cue. Can’t vouch for the other kids, but I faked it to fit in. Just said random Italian-sounding words. I only remember this happening once. It should seem obvious to both believers or non-believers that you don’t simply tell a kid to have the Holy Spirit come upon him and get spiritually overtaken on demand.

2. Our school cafeteria had the world’s best pretzels with cheese and ice cream sandwiches made from soft, Subway-sized chocolate-chip cookies. You could get a pretzel with cheese AND ice cream sandwich for 75 cents. My health never stood a chance.

3. When I was a sophomore or so, the school booked veteran session guitarist turned Christian solo musician Mike Deasy to perform in chapel for the junior high and high school. They took up a love offering among students to help cover Deasy’s travel and performance expenses, but there wasn’t much love offered, I suppose because everyone was holding onto their cash to buy ice cream sandwiches with. We were all reprimanded by a teacher a few days later, who said she was taking up a collection to mail Deasy a check or something. Keep in mind, this guy had played with the Beach Boys, Byrds, Joe Cocker, Jackson 5, Billy Joel, Little Richard, Elvis, Simon and Garfunkel and Frank Sinatra.

4. We read Shakespeare from a Christian textbook that changed Lady Macbeth’s line, “Out, out, damned spot!” to, “Out, out, foul spot!”

5. At one point, two of the school administrators who ranked higher than our principal interrogated the entire high school one person at a time. We were brought into a downstairs room I’d never seen before to be asked if we were users of alcohol, marijuana, tobacco or smokeless tobacco, or if we knew of anyone who did. It was like a vice version of McCarthyism.

6. I remember my science teacher publicly embarrassing a female student and sending her to the office because the cameltoe in her acid-wash jeans was “showing all your nooks and crannies.” I’m still strangely aroused by acid-wash cameltoe to this day.

7. The entire high school is ushered into the underground tunnel connecting the school to the church for an emergency meeting. By candlelight, in somber tones, a teacher tells us, “Today, [the science teacher] was arrested by the state of Missouri for refusing to teach evolution in her classroom.” A few gasps are heard and tears are shed before it’s revealed to just be a simulation of end-times chaos or something.

8. I am told to go to Hollywood and write more wholesome movies like Sister Act.

9. Before the drama teacher arrived to class, we’d have one student stand guard at the door while the rest of us snuck a peek at pay-per-play UHF music video channel The Box on the TV/VCR AV cart combo. Nine times out of ten, Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” would be playing on The Box. Forbidden fruit, indeed!

The Forgotten Parable

by TONY FYLER
edited by WOO 

[Editors Note: Words of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ here contained in red.]

And after Jesus and The Twelve had been in Jerusalem some days, they stopped one night, to rest themselves and wipe away the cares of the day in wine and bread. And being men of many stations and minds, the conversation then fell off, and all was quiet, each avoiding the other’s eye. And Simon Peter, who never could abide a silence, addressed the Lord, saying:

“For God’s sake, let’s liven it up a bit. Rabbi, tell us one of your stories.”

But Jesus did refuse him, saying,

“You’re kidding, right? Healing lepers not enough for you now?”

“Yes but-”

“Raising the dead?”

“It’s a showstopper, to be sure. I just asked if-”

“If I wouldn’t mind doing half an hour? What do you think this is, dinner theater?”

And Simon Peter was chastened, and said no more. But the Lord looked upon him with compassionate eyes, and sighed.

“One more then, just for you,” said the Lord, and Simon Peter’s heart was filled with joy.

The Lord paused for thought, and all eyes were upon him.

“Consider the dinosaurs…” he said. “They neither toil in the fields, nor do they-”

“The what?” said Judas Iscariot, interrupting.

The Lord turned to him, and his face was wroth.

“The dinosaurs,” he said again.

“What about them?”

The Lord sighed.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

• 

  Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

  Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

• As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz

• I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.

• I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom

• After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.

• I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.

• One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.

• Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?

• I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.

17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

• Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
• Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
• Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
• Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
• Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
• Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
• Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
• Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 2

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Read the first part of Tony’s brilliant invective here. -AJH]

—

Altruism: Self-interest in full camouflage.

Astrology: Entrail reading’s less socially awkward cousin.

Atheism: The understanding that there is no grand plan for human existence. Life has about as much meaning as the existence of Brussels sprouts, so everything we do is ultimately, in the long term, pointless. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

Baby: A young human. Also a term misapplied to fetuses, embryos and even blastocytes by those who seek to deny a woman her reproductive rights. The proof of this misapplication, of course, lies in the fact that humanity has bothered to come up with entirely different words for these different stages of life. By “pro-life” logic, teenagers too should be considered babies, and it should be illegal to destroy them. Clearly, that way madness lies.

Beck, Glenn: It is commonly believed that there are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is the result of a transcription error in the King James Bible. In reality, there are Five Horsemen – War, Famine, Pestilence, Death and Hysteria. Anyone who has watched Glenn Beck’s show knows that the Fifth Horseman is already here. Of course, most people who have watched Glenn Beck’s show rather wish that the Fourth Horseman had preceded him.

Creationism: Proof that evolution does not necessarily select for intelligence.

Can I Write My Jokes in Peace?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Newman and Ms. Swan have a glorious message to share with you, unprompted, in the mall food court.

I was sitting in a comfortable wicker chair at the Irvine Spectrum with my comedy buddy Ryan Papazian. We were working on standup bits at the Red Rock Bar. I was in good company, and the jokes were starting to flow out. We analyzed Ryan’s routine about his problems with girls. Add this. Leave this out. Maybe if you use an act-out or use this type of voice. The beginnings of a productive afternoon were underway. We were sitting in public, though. When you sit in public, people can approach you for absolutely no good reason.

Enter the odd couple. He wore a powder-blue button-down shirt and khakis, and he also looked just like Newman from “Seinfeld.” She looked like a Filipino Ms. Swan (from “MADtv”). They approached us as if they knew us, asking, “So what do you guys think of this May 21st business?”

Oh, the Rapture? That’s nonsense. I don’t care. I am an atheist. That’s what I should have said. Instead, I answered thoroughly and seriously, and so did Ryan. We talked about the mass manipulation and misallocated funds of the Mormon religion and the guilt builders of the Catholic religion. We chastised the Saddleback Church for spending 4 million dollars on a basketball court and Crystal Cathedral Ministries for declaring bankruptcy to the tune of $48 million.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

• My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.

• Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.

• Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.

• My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”

• I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

• This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.

• Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.

• Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.

• I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.

• If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.

• There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

• I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.

• Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.

• I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.

• I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.

• I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

• At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.

• According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.

• My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.

• My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.

• I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

• I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.

• I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”

• My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.

• A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”

• I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.

• Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?

• I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

• I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.

• The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!

• Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.

• Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

• Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.

• To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.

• Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.

• My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.

• No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.

• My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.

• My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

—

A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

Rapture 2: This Time It’s Personal

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

So where were you for the Rapture? Check this out for big hairy man-balls – not content with the whole “meeting Jesus in the clouds” thing, I got on a plane over the US and flew up to meet the dude at the Reality Turnpike.

Nothing. Nada. Not so much as a sacred sandal. Which leads me to a question: considering all the vast wealth accumulated by churches that follow the guy’s alleged teaching, has anyone thought about buying Jesus a really kickass alarm clock? Because he seems about as reliable as a twentysomething stoner after a major bong sesh. Hmm… note to self: contact Mel Gibson re: The Return of the Christ, starring Seth Rogen…

Dude, where's my apocalypse? DUDE!

Anyway, so there I was, thousands of feet in the clouds, waiting for His Nibs to make an appearance, and of course, abbbbbsolutely nothing happened. Well, technically, a couple of people tried to kill themselves or their loved ones (the logic of which is what, exactly? Avoiding the lines at the Pearly Gates?), but other than that, the world – just like Jesus – missed the memo that it was Game Over, and kept turning as previously advertised.

Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:

5 am – Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

‎10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.
‎

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

POLL: Tell Your Catholic Priest

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, Buddah Eskew, Scotty Harris, Lola Tucker

Christians-Only Restrooms

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

"What's my crime?" "You wished me 'Happy Holidays,' heathen!"

Is it me, or does everyone want to have a hard luck story? “Growing up was so hard. We only had one car, and mom and dad couldn’t go on vacations, and I had to babysit my kid sister when I was 13.” “Life is so hard being slightly overweight.” “Life is so hard being a white male because of affirmative action.” “Life is hard because I have ADHD.” EMOOOOOOOO!!!

The big one I’m not understanding is Christians who claim they are persecuted in America. Really, isn’t the statistic that three out of every four Americans are Christians in this country? There are 305 million people in America, so that means there are 224.75 million Christians outnumbering the remaining 80.25 million. And they feel discriminated against? I haven’t seen a Christian-only bathroom or water fountain. People don’t yell at you for praying in public. In fact, breast feeding in public is more looked down upon than praying. If you wear a crucifix around your neck, no one will tell you to take it off.

So is it the media? Does it mess with freedom of religion? True, sex and violence run rampant on television, but do they purposely attack Christianity in the media? In horror movies, Catholic church scandals and Tim Curry in Disney’s The Three Musketeers? In the science of Jurassic Park, maybe? Feel free to add any other titles you can think of.

Rapture? Are you Rap-sure?

by ANDREW HICKS
and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

—

Dear Jesus,

We knew you weren’t coming back on Saturday, but that didn’t stop us from cleaning our houses just in case. And we don’t mean in the metaphorical, spiritual, “Get your house in order” sense. No, we vacuumed, swept and mopped in the kitchen, did our dishes and everything. We even put out three different varieties of Doritos, since we couldn’t remember which one was your favorite back in the day*.

Okay, we did get our hopes up a little bit when you called Macho Man Randy Savage to heaven a day early, leaving only 143,999 spots open for the rest of us. Then we remembered that the chosen 144,000 mentioned in the Bible are virgins, and you of all omniscient beings should know the Macho Man had his share of big-haired ’80s trailer trash**.

It wasn’t the most disappointing weekend ever. No earthly second coming from you, Jesus, but we did get to meet a delusional hobo who thought he was Vishnu, the supreme god of Vaishnavite Hinduism.

This Rapture hoopla*** reminded us of a few other times you were “supposed” to come back and didn’t. Remember when Pat Robertson spent all of 1982 talking about how you were definitely going to come back in 1982? Then he had to go on the air January 1, 1983. That was a pretty awkward show for Pat. (“Uh, when I said Jesus would come back in 1982, what I meant to say was, ‘The Jews For Jesus will have a comeback in 1982.’ That’s it. That’s what I was trying to say. ’82 was a HUGE year for Christian Jews.”)

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

Waiting on the Last Supper

by ANDREW HICKS

I was a restaurant server for many years, and during our down times, the ultimate hypothetical question was: If you got sat with a 13-top (that’s a party of 13 in restaurantese), and it was Jesus and the disciples sitting down for the Last Supper, would you want to wait on it?

Someone would always say, “Sure, I mean, it’s Jesus, the most important religious and historical figure of all time. That’s a big deal. I might make it into the painting and everything!”

Then someone else would always say, “No way. I hate waiting on Christians. They tip like crap.” And, you know, that stereotype is pretty much true. The Bible tells believers to give 10 percent to God, so why would they give their server 20 percent? Good restaurant service is a godsend, but it’s not worth twice the dough you cough up to the Almighty.

Usually, you get an 8 percent tip with one of those Are You Going To Heaven? pamphlets on top. Which, if you get one of those, the answer is assumed to be “hell no.” Your customer analyzed your manner, your demeanor and your choice of small-talk topics and determined you were a heathen in need of redemption via mass-printed, poorly written, completely impersonal contact.

Me, I would definitely choose to wait on the Last Supper. Because I’m pretty sure from scripture that if you touch whatever part of your body ails you to any part of Jesus or his Holy Robe, you are instantly healed.

You could walk up to the table, say, “Lemme get that empty bread plate outta your way, sir,” then lean in, grab the plate, do a little pivot turn, and touch your back to Jesus’ shoulder before he’d even realize what was going on.

You’d be in the back of house, coworkers giving you crap: “I see you’re waiting on Jesus out there. What did he order for everyone, a fish sandwich with 12 extra plates?”

And you’d be like, “As a matter of fact, he did, but I don’t even care because I think he just healed my bad back, and he didn’t even know it.”

Later on, you’re dropping the check: “Does anyone care for some Cinammon Matzo Mania or Kosher Chocolate Strudel tonight? No? Okay, well then, just pay me whenever you’re ready.” Lean way over Jesus, present the check at the center of the table, and kind of mash your crotch into his back while you’re doing it. And exit to the back of house.

COWORKER: I bet he pays with a gift card and leaves you two bucks.
YOU: Yeah, well, I’ll be sure to cry about that after I go home and have sex with my wife with my penis that suddenly works again…

Possession 101

by MICHELLE DEE

[Editor’s Note: We’ve previously underestimated our popularity with the ethereal and undead. Please accept this piece as our apology to you, you demonic bastards.]

1. You are weak. You are a fucking ghost/demon. An entity from the SPIRITUAL world. YOU HAVE NO PHYSICALITY.

2. Energy must be drawn from human emotion. Fear and anger are the quickest ways to go about this and, let’s face it, the most fun.*

3. You must start out small, planting the seed into your victim’s–er, resident’s–mind that you are there.  Do things like toss keys on the ground, knock things over or move small things out of their usual spots.

4. After that, you can do more obnoxious things that effect them financially. Turning on their water faucets or electronics, for instance.  You have the power to make it extremely cold in pockets of the house. Try to hang out by the thermostat. This is effective to achieve the anger we mentioned earlier.  Also, messing with kitchen cabinets and doors might seem lame, but do it just to watch the look on their faces. BWAHAHAHAHA!

And All That Jazz, Jan. 18, 2011

Coming Out Of My Heathen Closet

by Vickie Sauseda

Telling my family that I am atheist has had the most peculiar repercussions…

I didn’t think that the revelation would even be noticed:

“Oh, hey, I don’t believe in God.”

“Ok, Vickie, can you pass the butter?”

How wrong I was. Getting yelled at by my Father was a shock; I nodded, smiled, and didn’t press the issue. My Mother, on the other hand, posted on Facebook: “Vickie was just kidding about that atheist crap. We all know she’s Methodist!”