Posts tagged ‘Grammy Awards’

June 8, 2011

Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:


5 am
– Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

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December 5, 2010

Men Being Men

by ANDREW HICKS, RYAN KRAUSE and JESSICA STIMSON
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every now and then, two greats will cross paths and bask in the other’s genius. Picture that black-and-white portrait of President Richard Nixon shaking the hand of Big Old Elvis Presley in the Oval Office. Imagine being the guy on the third barstool the night Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks crossed each other’s paths and traded comedic world-views over what had to be a ton of drinks.

Or how about sitting front row at the 1990 Grammy Awards, when Michael Bolton, Kenny G and the long shiny brass shaft of a Soprano Sax shared the stage for a performance of “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” that still holds a proud place in adult-contemporary history? Michael Bolton did not leave that night without a Grammy, but I don’t need to tell you that.

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