Posts tagged ‘Buddha’

September 24, 2011

How To Be An Intellectual Douche

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by CHRISTOPHER WOO

  • Memorise a list of names of both scientists and philosophers and spout them off, attributing ideas and theories to them at random. Don’t forget to memorise the names of their writings and works, too. Throw in a spiritualist or two, here and there, for good measure.
  • Never admit that you’re wrong. Remember, all research and knowledge has been completed and discovered on any given subject you’ve troubled yourself to study. There will never be anything else to say on the subject. New and unique ideas are absurd, and furthermore, admitting wrongdoing would be mean utter failure and disaster to your aspirations of being a douche.
  • Don’t accept ideas from anyone who hasn’t read at least three books or watched at least five YouTube or Vimeo videos on the topic at hand. Who do they think they are to come up with un-sourced ideas? Unique ideas and new information are absurd.
  • The only acceptable selections of music for your repertoire are the classical artists: Bach, Beethoven, Wagner, Vivaldi, Mozart (of course, since your mother has been playing it for you since conception), Shubert, Dave Matthews, Chopin, Coldplay, Litz, and Brahms. Anything else is simply unacceptable “noise.”
  • Two words: Vegan Starbucks. It’s your new diet! The more coffee and smoothies the better. A smoothie is your new chicken soup. It is good for the brain – and the soul. Any coffee that costs less than $4 per cup is downright offensive. For our aspiring douches across the pond, Earl Grey is also acceptable. Also, remember: meat is murder. Need I say more?
  • Meditate daily on the magnificence of your own existence and that it was formed from nothingness and chaos. Soothe and pacify your errant original thoughts through daily meditation. Be sure to reflect on the curiousness that is your navel in the true style of DalaiLamaGhandiDavidLynchBuddhaDrPhil .Repeat this mantra until your mind is quieted: ad nauseam, ad nauseam, ad nauseam.
  • If you don’t have one, purchase a thesaurus, or utilise any available – either online or Microsoft Word. Make sure before you engage in philosophical discussions, to thoroughly analyse and formulate your opinions, picking out any simplistic or crude verbiage. A thesaurus (along with your already vast knowledge of what Hawking, Darwin, Aristotle, Plato, and Ron Paul has to say) is your most important tool in intellectually blowing the minds of your soon-to-be followers.
  • In a discussion, whether in person or online, choose the elite few that have adhered to these rules and become their yes man. Agree with everything they have to say. Come to their defence when attacked. Hone that relationship and mold it into your very own circle jerk.
  • Look down your nose at everyone. Lift your head up high and gaze with eyes half-closed down at the peons who dare to think their intellect could even begin to compete with yours.
  • Finally, have some self-respect. That good for nothing job of yours is getting you nowhere. They aren’t utilising your skills at that desk job. And management is too remedial to realise that you are brilliant. Quit that job and ride your bike over to the nearest Starbucks and apply. Surely there you will be recognised by the working stiffs for your intellect, as you make their morning venti, bold, half-caff with cinnamon dolce and room for cream. Stimulate them, not just with their morning brew, but with your mind. There is no greater calling.
September 5, 2011

Haiku News, 5 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

The newly-discovered Shroud Of Palin

Government sues 17 big banks for mortgages

Government suing banks
Going to recoup money
Just to waste again

—–

Sarah Palin gives a rousing non-campaign campaign speech in Iowa

Whenever mentioned
A Palin Presidential Run
Jesus cries kittens

—–

Will Chaz Bono Use Cher’s Music on Dancing With the Stars?

With Chaz Bono there
And that Cunt-faced Nancy Grace
Will anyone watch?

—–

New species of ancient rhinoceros found in Tibet

Spiritual Sage
Enlightened Rhinoceros
Prophesy foretold

—–

For $620K, You Too Can Own a Jet-Powered Batmobile

So this must be why
Class warfare is in vogue now
Republican toys

—–

Domino’s to serve pizzas on the Moon, apparently

The space vacuum
May actually help with
The cardboard flavour

—–

Who is WikiLeaks Blaming for Breaching Its Security?

WikiLeaks has leak
Should update security
With some WikiTweaks

July 12, 2011

A Pothead Speaks: Why Marijuana Should NOT Be Legalized

by KB MARION
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

It's a quick leap from legalization to corporatization. But there won't be any Dollar Menu for weed.

I absolutely cannot stand the progressive mentality. Progress is not always the best thing for society. Take, for instance, the Internet. Yes, it allows us to download free music and keep up with the latest ever-so-important celebrity gossip, but the web is also a widespread tool for degenerates with an exorbitant amount of resources. Prior to the Internet, you could always tell the perverts by their wiry grin, ’70s mustache and windowless van. Well, unfortunately, progressivism is butting its ugly head into my stash. There is a movement to legalize marijuana, and as a weed smoker, I am against it.

Many people have stated that the marijuana crop will help with our nation’s deficit. However, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction (or so I’ve heard). Proponents of legalization are idealistic and too trusting of the American government. Anything that has value in the United States always garner greedy lobbyists who ruin it for everyone except the few who would benefit — in this case, Wall Street and the would-be corporate growers. This is already occurring in California, where medical marijuana growers helped vote down the legalization bill. Nope, marijuana ain’t just for hippies anymore. Our beloved green has been going corporate, and this is just the beginning.

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