Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

Tasty Mushrooms From Dirty Diapers

We wonder if these mushrooms are, “Magic?” This “breakthrough” did not come as much of a surprise to us, having had our mates telling us our diapers taste like mushrooms quite regularly.

Kanye West and Mary-Kate Olsen Dating, Charlie Sheen Getting a New Show, and Jessica Simpson on NBC

Kanye and Mary-Kate dating… we’re not saying she’s a gold digger… because she’s fucking loaded! It seems Kanye is living the life of a rapper again, dating young white women. On a related note, the Olsen twins make an attempt at being relevant again, by dating famous people.

Sheen, Simpson, West and Olsen have all been offered parts on new NBC series, with Simpson pulling double duty on two new shows. West, Simpson and Sheen are starring in a new reality show called Black, Blonde & Bombed. Mary-Kate Olsen and Jessica Simpson will star in Two and a Half Boobs.

While the reality show opportunity seems a good fit for Sheen, we feel NBC would have fared better creating a show more tailored to Sheen’s strengths. Something written specifically for Sheen, based loosely on his life. The show would be called “Lucky Asshole Keeps Getting Work.”

Google Unveils Spoken-Word Searches for Desktop PCs

We here at WNF are huge fans of this idea. Now, when we scream, “Show me some huge Asian funbags!” at our computer, it actually will. We do wonder how well the voice recognition will be. (“WHAT THE FUCK! I SAID DUCT TAPE! DUCT! NOT DUCK!”) You do have to wonder, how much guiltier will you feel saying “tiny teen tits” out loud than you do typing it?

We wonder who had to vocally import 2 billion search words into their voice recognition system during the database building process? We picture a laid-off former executive fetching $9.00/hour to read a list of words like “scat,” “cuntfoam,” “nutsuck” and “Dalai Lama” into a microphone.

Just be careful not to yell things like, “You piece of shit!” at your computer when Google Image searching.

Notice the article we link is from Fox News. They reported on the story without any reference to Hitler, left-wing radicals, or socialism. We can surely confirm that Google is an elitist prick now.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, Richard Wentz, Eve Ventrella, Woo, James Draper and Andrew J Hicks

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