Posts tagged ‘Hitler’

July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
June 21, 2011

Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

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May 3, 2011

Osama: Hole In The Turban Edition

Funniest thing about this photo? The apostrophe is in the wrong place, and it means "Got them," not "Got him." Oh, America...

by BUDDAH ESKEW and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Breaking news from the We’re Not Funny Washington bureau and every corner of Facebook — well, okay, it’s old news now — Osama bin Laden is dead, and every male in America is growing a freedom stache.

Not to editorialize, but doesn’t it seem a little un-American for us to have gone in and murdered this guy in front of his family, and not broadcast it via satellite? The networks could’ve charge triple their Super Bowl rates for a quick commercial in between the first and second gunshots.

They took Osama by surprise. He was minding his own business, watching Kirstie Alley waddle-waltz on “Dancing With the Stars” and drinking a Miller Lilililililight at the time of the CIA attack.

After his death, bin Laden expected to join 72 virgins in heaven. Osama, sorry man, Charlie Sheen deflowered all six dozen of them before they made it to the pearly Caucasian gates. It was a popular Heidi Fleiss off-menu whore special in 1991.

Osama, look, your virgins weren’t virgins, and you’re in hell now. On the plus side, you do get to listen to the obscure Winger B-side “Seventy Two Virgins” at top volume on drive thru speakers for all eternity. The guitar solo has been cut out, too. Nothing but screaming vocals and off-rhythm drums in Hades.

Poor Osama expected to be top dog in hell, too, but now he’s sharing an unairconditioned camp cabin with Hitler, and 50 bucks says Adolph gets the top bunk.

Elton John expressed interest in singing at Osama’s funeral (“And it seemed to me you lived your life / Like an airplane-turned-projectile-missile in the wind”), but the U.S. government had already given the jackass (Osama, not Elton) a traditional Islamic burial at sea. All the more reason not to drink the water in Mexico.

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February 5, 2011

Random Trivia Facts

Desert Desert.

by FREETHY

  1. Snakes have two dicks.
  2. Strawberries are not berries.
  3. Sahara Desert is Desert Desert.
  4. The earth has more than two moons.
  5. We have between 16 and 21 senses, not only five.
  6. The egg came before the chicken.
  7. “Gorange” rhymes with “orange.”
  8. “Gorange” is an actual word.
  9. Napoleon was above-average height.
  10. Stalin was 5’5.
  11. Hitler wasn’t a vegetarian.
  12. The moon isn’t made out of cheese.
  13. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but part of it was.