Posts tagged ‘News’

October 10, 2011

Haiku News, 10 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

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US Military Drones Infected With Mysterious Computer Virus

This is no surprise
to those of us who know what
drones do after dark.

—–

Paul McCartney, Nancy Shevell wed in London

Another marriage?
Lets hope that this one has
a leg to stand on.

—–

Zsa Zsa Gabor undergoes stomach surgery

Wait a damn minute.
You mean to tell me that this
bitch is still alive?

—–

Steve Jobs’ pancreatic cancer may have been diagnosed late

Diagnosed too late?
The real tragedy is that
there’s no app for that.

—–

How Obama’s data-crunching prowess may get him re-elected

Vote for Obama!
Why? It is simple really.
This MoFo knows math!

August 29, 2011

Haiku News, 29 August 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

I don't care how good she looks, or how drunk you are, DO NOT make babies with this Neanderthal Woman

—–

Hurricane Irene Leaves Thousands Without Power In Maryland

Hurricane Irene
If you must knock out power
Do so in D.C.

—–

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Stepping Down

Apple® without Jobs
Like Windows® without Blue-screen
Stable but ugly

—–

Hurricane Irene may test cell phone networks

Well at least in this
Economy, hurricanes
can still get a job

—–

Astronomers discover planet made of diamond

Planet of diamond?
In the cosmical street game
That’s baller-ass shit

—–

Sex with Neanderthals likely strengthened human immune system

Worked for us then, not
so much now. Neanderthals
now lower gene pool

—–

Lions impressive in preseason rout of New England

Obligatory
Sports article haiku here
Not even worth the brainpower to count syllables on the third line

August 22, 2011

Haiku News, 22 August 2011

by T. Allan Christopher

Now who is going to catch you masturbating?

A&F offers to pay ‘Situation’ NOT to wear their clothing

Please keep your clothes on
Just not with our name on them
Guido ass bastard

—–

Burger King retires its mascot to focus on food

Freaky ass King head
Focus on your plastic fries
Not your plastic mask

—–

Apple Developing New iPad

Is it weird that I
Still hear “iPad” and think of
Feminine Napkins?

—–

What if ET thinks we’re evil?

They think us evil?
Lets show them bitches evil!
Eat a nuke E.T.!

—–

Mystery goo in Alaska now called fungal spores

Wait a damn second
You mean to say it was not
Orange Julius?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 19, 2011

Haiku News, 19 July 2011

by WOO

Source: J.Lo and Anthony had ‘heated, horrible fights’

If I gave a fuck
I would express such a fuck
alas, no fuck here

Search Engines Negatively Affect Information Retention

The quicker we learn
The faster we forget it
How many syllables are supposed to be on the very last line of a haiku?

Is media giving US women’s soccer team a free pass for its World Cup Fail?

A pass? Don’t think so
Reality obvious
Soccer just sucks ass

read more »

July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

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Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

—–

Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

—–

Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

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Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

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Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

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CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

June 27, 2011

Broken News, June 26, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

read more »

June 21, 2011

Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

read more »

June 13, 2011

Woo’s News, June 13, 2011

by WOO

US Scores Three More Insider-Trading Convictions

There are criminals on Wall Street. Who fucking knew?

Vancouver’s Lapierre finds success to the max after leaving Ducks

Wait… this is about hockey? Can’t seem to give a shit…

Facebook IPO seen moving ahead in first quarter

So a nerd found out how to make money off of people posting status updates every time the weather changes by two degrees, they eat dinner, suffer gastrointestinal issues, or find a Youtube video mildly enjoyable. Just think, everytime you tell us about your second cousin’s graduation, or post a photo of a kitten talking jibberish, it’s worth cold hard cash, to someone else.

read more »

February 9, 2011

Woo’s News, Feb. 9, 2011

by Woo

Superbowl XLV won by the Greenbay Packers

The Packers hold their lead overall to pull off the win. The Steelers might have had more of a chance, but QB Ben Roethlisberger RAPED what should have been a good pass early in the first quarter. Later in the game he took a misstep and RAPED his own knee. Overall, he managed to RAPE his entire team and led them to a loss.

Lindsay Lohan to be charged with felony grand theft of necklace, and Tanning salon sues Lindsay Lohan for $41K unpaid bill

Can’t she just snort herself into a Hendrix-style death so we don’t have to hear about this shit anymore?

Christina Aguilera Gets Another Chance to Recover from Super Fumble

She screwed up the words to the National Anthem. I’m game to give her another chance, so long as Fergie doesn’t get a second chance as well.

Assange Probe Hits Snag

Investigators have run into a wall trying to tie Assange to the initial leak of information. I’m sure if they asked nicely Assange could provide documents outing himself.

Russia’s Top Terrorist Promises More Bombs for Moscow

That dude better watch his ass, I hear in Mother Russia Moscow Bombs You.

The Band LCD Soundsystem Announce Farewell NYC Show

Who?

January 22, 2011

Woo’s News, Jan. 22, 2011

by Woo

‘American Idol’ gives Fox its best Thursday ratings in 16 years

Fox also received a hand-job from Steven Tyler to score some blow.

Rumour also has it J-Lo and Tyler are hooking up, sources close to the pair indicate Lopez as feeling Steven is the only man alive who could possibly be uglier than Mark Anthony.

Bank of America Posts 4th-Quarter Loss of $1.2 Billion

We’ll have something to say on this subject once we give a fuck!

Larynx transplant restores voice to Central Valley woman

Husband said to be suing hospital and all Doctors involved, as he now can’t get the bitch to shut-up.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords leaves Tucson

Too soon? Too soon.

It’s National Hugging Day

National Hugging Day? Sounds like National Free Pass On Sexual Harassment Day.

January 10, 2011

Woo’s News, Jan. 10, 2011

by Woo

Victoria Beckham pregnant with 4th child

I guess when you can bend it like Beckham, baby making is bound to result.

Verizon iPhone to attract 9 to 12 million new US users for Apple

12 Million more anti-social zombies, just what America needs.

John F. Kennedy ‘sex fiend’ TV show pulled in US

Lord knows we have to immortalize the dead in this country. We tried to impeach Clinton, but for you, dead guy, we’ll let it slide…

U.S. Subpoenas Twitter Over WikiLeaks

Just when you thought it was safe to use a service online to toss out witty one-liners about your dinner plans, and how your favorite shirt got ruined. It turns out anyone following @Wikileaks could be subject to a Federal probe. Speaking of probes, bend over and drop those trousers for this one.

Thanks to Ethanol Plant, Cars Using Four Loko for Locomotion

You read that correctly. And no we’re not talking about a dance and song from Ike and Tina Turner. The now banned alcoholic energy drink Four Loko is being converted into fuel for your Suburban, the one with Tap Out bumper stickers all over the back window.