Archive for ‘TV’

January 9, 2012

Facebook Statuses From ’80s TV Characters

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Whatever you think is happening, it's all a misunderstanding. -Jack Tripper, Three's Company

You’re goddamn right I did that!
Steve Urkel, Family Matters

I have black friends.
-Ricky Stratton, Silver Spoons

Fucking Charo! AGAIN!!
-Captain Stubing, The Love Boat

I wish I had boobs ):
-Punky Brewster

Yes, let’s have two grown single men and a Canadian with a puppet explain menstruating to me and my sisters. If you will excuse me, I am going to ask the bag lady down the street what to do with these tampons. FML!
-D.J. Tanner, Full House

I (heart) sheep. Like REALLY (heart) sheep.
-Balki, Perfect Strangers

Keep making fun of my accent. Hope you enjoy pubic-hair soup, dicks!
-Mr. Belvedere

Soon, the revolution will begin…
-Benson

We’re all out of grits, bitch!
-Alice

I banged Winnie!
-Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years

I watched Kevin bang Winnie!
-Paul Pfeiffer, The Wonder Years

I’m having an awesome bang day!
-Blair, The Facts of Life

Sam Malone is in a relationship with Diane Chambers and “it’s complicated.”

I. AM. A. ROBOT. NOT. AUTISTIC. YOU. FUCKING. ASSHOLES.
-Vickie, Small Wonder

I LOVE PUSSY! HA!
-Alf

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Willis, Diff’rent Strokes

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Animal, The Muppet Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

I’m calling immigration.
-Mindy, Mork and Mindy

Norm Peterson checked in at TGIFridays. just now

Mmm hmm, honey. Mmm hmm.
-Any castmember from 227

Why doesn’t anyone else notice my two older sisters are half-white? When will the lies stop? FML!
-Theo Huxtable, The Cosby Show

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Rerun, What’s Happening!

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

Is anyone else creeped out that my old-ass parents had a new kid?! Me and Alex could be his parents!
-Mallory Keaton, Family Ties

Legalize it!
-Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties

I hate it when a plan goes spectacularly tits-up. Posted from Cook County Penitentiary
-John “Hannibal” Smith, The A-Team

Joanie Cunningham changed her relationship status from “married” to “divorced.”

Chachi Arcola changed his relationship status from “married” to “widowed.”

Bitches be trippin’!
-Blake Carrington, Dynasty

They don’t call me Boner for nothing!
-Boner, Growing Pains

Homey DOES play that Farmville.
-Homey the Clown, In Living Color

We’ve gotta get a second bathroom.
-Nicole, My Two Dads

My favorite people: Samantuh, Monuh, Eangeluh.
-Tony, Who’s the Boss

Yes, cracka, my middle name is Wayne too.
-Dwayne Wayne, A Different World

Banged Joan. Banged Natasha. Banged Chrissy. Banged Margie. Banged Cynthia. All before breakfast.
-Dan Fielding, Night Court

Banged Chrissy. Banged Cynthia. Banged Natasha. Banged Joan. Banged Margie. All before lunch.
-Sam Malone, Cheers

I pity too many fools. When is it my turn to be pitied? How many chains do I have to put on before my pain is noticed?
-Mr. T, The A-Team

CONCEIVED BY: J.Miz
EDITED BY: Andrew Hicks
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Benjamin Bennington, Eric Dohman, Tony Fyler

December 30, 2011

2012 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Dick Cheney has one thing to say to the Grim Reaper.

Almost a year ago, I posted my 2011 Celebrity Death Picks. I certainly missed the mark, but don’t ask Liz Taylor. (Liz “famously said, ‘A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.’ I agree, so get out!”) There were the obvious misses, like Amy Winehouse, Andy Rooney, Harry Morgan, Betty Ford and even Heavy D. But Randy “Macho Man” Savage? Who saw that coming? And Dr. Jack Kevorkian? May I just say, “Bahahahaha!!!”

Also, Dick Clark still lives. He has proven to be an elusive bastard indeed. I give up, Dick. You will live on forever, even if no one ever understands another word you drool.

So here go my 2012 predictions:

  • Muhammad Ali — All of Ali’s weights are now considered Shake Weights. Even Michael J. Fox has a shot at knocking out the champ.
  • Wilford Brimley — The Cocoon jig is almost up, Willie. We have all bought enough insurance, denture cream and shitty cereal based on your endorsements. Now move over. Dick Van Dyke needs the work.
  • Dolly Parton — Insert “big titty” joke here.
  • Kirk Douglas — Last year, I picked Michael Douglas and blew it big time. Damn you, cancer cures! If I can’t have the son, I’ll take the father.
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor — For chrissakes! She has died three times in the last five years. Can a brother get a decent coroner?
  • Kelsey Grammer — Just a hunch…
  • Fidel Castro — When Fidel drops, my 1959 Castro dictator rookie card will double in value. And to think, the Cubs just hired Fidel as their new hitting coach.
  • Andy Dick — I’m calling it right here! Suicide by April 1st. No fooling.
  • Tito Jackson — Tito is the Frank Stallone of his family. He will never hit more home runs than his brother Reggie or win as many championship rings as his cousin Phil. So I forsee a sporting goods accident around mid-summer. Sleep well, La Toya, you may be up next year.
  • Joan Collins — I masturbated to Dynasty-era Joanie C in the early ’80s. Here’s a clue: Linda Evans in the library with the candlestick.
  • Dick Cheney — Sorry, no hunting accident, just a good ol’ fashioned heart attack.
  • Jerry Lewis — This guy has blown up so big, I swear I saw him floating above the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Time to pop, Jer.
  • Andy Griffith — My lone holdover from last year. I just know 2012 is his year.
  • Adam West — Holy embalming fluid, Batman! POW!

SIDEBAR NOTE: I was all set with the great, obscure, dark-horse death pick of Francine Hurd Barker of Peaches and Herb fame. I’ll be damned if Francine didn’t one up me in 2005. R.I.P. Peaches.

November 30, 2011

I Wait on Famous People

by ANDREW HICKS

In 1957, Andrew Hicks serves Marilyn Monroe and Frank Sinatra a Chocolate Thunder From Down Under at the Outback Steakhouse in Springfield, Ill.

Last week at work, I thought I spotted the guy who played Craig’s dad in the Friday movies. Turns out it was one of the Isley Brothers. But it got me thinking, I’ve waited on a ton of famous people in my years as a server. Here are some highlights:

  • While still in server training at Long Horn, I had to cut Bob Dole‘s 6-ounce sirloin into tiny pieces tableside. You know, because of that whole dead-arm thing he has going on.
  • Not long after his gastric bypass surgery, I served Al Roker a grilled cheese from the kid’s menu. He ate two dainty bites and tipped me 135 percent.
  • As a young cocktail waitress, I served a round of peach schnapps shots to Jesus Jones.
  • I once laid out some paper towels for Ricky Martin during a restroom attendant shift at a seedy strip club called Chez Nutz.
November 29, 2011

Bachelor Survivor

THE REALITY TV MOVIE

Act 1: Bachelor Survivor dances with the stars after an amazing race, goes to celebrity hoarder rehab and gains a bunch of weight then loses it all.

Act 2: Bachelor Survivor sells all his hoarded shit to pawn shops and goes to live with swamp people who use their ice-trucker business to fund their ghost-hunting business.

Act 3: Bachelor Survivor is replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

by JEFF BAILEY and ANDREW J HICKS
art by ERIC DOHMAN

October 22, 2011

Auction War Storage Hunters

by ERTEL GRAY
with ANDREW HICKS

”]I am an addict. Step One is admitting you have a problem, and that’s why I’m here. I’ve recently become extremely obsessed with the ever-expanding glut of TV shows about storage unit auctions. You know, those C-level reality shows where people haggle over one-of-a-kind items with pawn shop owners, and/or people rummage around in dilapidated barns and garages, finding rusted-out treasures that I’m told are high-dollar items.

A 19th-century steam-powered vibrator? $300. Thomas Jefferson’s giant granite dangling-cross earring, yanked from Mount Rushmore after fierce protests from Quakers? Four thousand bucks all day. A rare acetate demo of John and Yoko’s blistering 22-minute version of “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am”? Actually, there are 2 million copies of THAT garbage, but I’d still pay at least three grand for the chance to own it.

This is all my fault. I’m addicted to junk. For those who remain uninitiated to shows like “Storage Wars” and “Auction Hunters,” the premise is this — every day, thousands of unclaimed storage lockers are put up for auction. Bidding is fierce, and rivalries develop instantaneously over these storage lockers, which just might be chock-full of rarities and untold riches. It’s the ultimate in Ponzi* schemes, the rule being “buy low, sell high.”

Oh sure, there’s storage units that turn out to be a bust. Apparently, SOME people don’t feel that a damp, 8′ x 10′ concrete storage locker is the best place to keep their priceless copies of Action Comics #1 and miscellaneous Aztec artifacts. But the rule of thumb in the “Storage Wars” world is, if something has intrinsic value, you put it in a glorified carport and lock that shit up with a high-school-locker Master Lock. Then forget you owe $400 for the past four months’ rent and lose your padlocked carport altogether.

Meanwhile, think of how many actual archaeologists have given up scouring the actual ruins of some long-forgotten city whose name Indiana Jones couldn’t even pronounce correctly. Honestly, you can’t blame them. Spending months at a time in some dense jungle, amid the constant threat of attack by large primates and bot flies that lay eggs in open wounds — not to mention the oppressive “jungle stench” — doesn’t help morale. Especially after you’ve spent several months with a Maybelline rouge brush, carefully and intently brushing the faint traces of dirt, layer by layer, from a couple of shards of clay pottery. And it’s Christmas Day.

Take any archaeologist who’s been inspired to unlock the mysteries of Indy movies past, and ask that archaeologist if he or she now feels cheated for having taken that career path, and I’m almost positive the answer will be a resounding FUCK YEAH. (“I’ve been out here in the jungles of Costa Rica for four MONTHS now, and not ONE fucking Nazi! No crystal skulls!  It’s bullshit!”)

What the budding archaeologist fails to realize when he sets out on an Indy mission is that most of the good treasure has already been looted and sold on the black market. Now it’s somewhere in an 8 x 10 storage shed that’s in default of payment, waiting for some hulking behemoth of a man with head tattoos and Oakley shades to slowly bid it up to roughly $1,200 American.

So, in short, to any and all of you potential treasure seekers out there who might be reading this, give up dreams of Custer’s Gold. Put away the maps of Oak Island, and don’t even THINK about going near Fort Knox.

Bid on a storage unit.

You may end up with Lincoln’s personal stash of bukkake tintypes. Or, you might just end up with a fuck-ton of Tupperware. Either way, you played the game.

*Given our fascination with combining celebrity couple names, I can only conclude that — somewhere along the line — Potsi Webber and Arthur Fonzarelli, both of “Happy Days,” had a brief, albeit torrid sexual affair. The offspring, carried in Potsi’s butt for three trimesters, was the now-famous word Ponzi.

August 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

    Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

  • A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.
  • I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”
  • Glee makes my vagina seal shut.
  • Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.
  • Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”
  • I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.
  • I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.
  • I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.
  • The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.
  • I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”
  • Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”
  • I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.
  • Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!
  • I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree
  • I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.
  • When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.
  • It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.
  • I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.
  • When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
  • Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.
  • I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts
  • The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.
  • I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot
  • Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”
  • I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.
  • Thunderstorms make me wet.
  • Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.
  • “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi
  • Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.
  • You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.
  • I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.
  • People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.
  • It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.
  • I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.
  • I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.
  • What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?
  • I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”
  • I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.
  • Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.
  • I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”
  • I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.
  • Safe words are for pussies and quitters.
  • My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.
  • You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?
  • My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.
  • I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.
  • I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.
July 2, 2011

Why We Love America

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • In America, we get our daily exercise by taking the dog for a nice, long walk.

    As a nation, we have been unbelievably tolerant of broads, negroes, homos and retards.

  • A pound of fresh fruit costs eight times the price of a box of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.
  • We complain about gas prices while paying $6.40 a gallon for bottled water.
  • We have Florida for a penis.
  • They took away Milli Vanilli‘s Grammy.
  • This simple irony: America is working hard to kill off its working class.
  • America has successfully facilitated the three-way union of hillbillies, paintball guns and the TV show Cheaters.
  • Personal anecdote: During a private fireworks display last Fourth of July, everyone was watching the fireworks in the sky. Everyone, that is, except the 637-pound gentleman sitting in a lawnchair about to explode from pressure, eating a plate of brownies. Your average plate of brownies might contain two or three brownies, but this dude’s PLATE OF BROWNIES held two or three dozen chocolate squares. The dark night must’ve been messing with his brownie-plate visibility, because he quickly ripped the glow-stick necklace off his son’s neck and ringed it around his paper plate, so he wouldn’t miss any of his chocolate delight. This is by far the most broadly stereotypical American thing any We’re Not Funny staffer has ever witnessed, and it still makes us tear up.
  • We capitalize on unfortunate everyday circumstances — having a car or storage unit repossessed — and make them into killer cable reality TV.
  • In America, we save water in our public pools. Recipe: Fill two-thirds, then add 10 McDonald’s-grease-laden plumpy fuckers. Then watch the water level magically rise to the top.
  • We have Twofer Tuesdays. Try getting that in a non-American-speaking country like Mexico. ¿Dos por Martes? We’re not buying that for a second!
  • We blame our iniquities on other cultures. Didn’t pay you for the bet I made? I welshed on it. Conned you into selling me your 2002 Honda for half of its value? I gyped you. Told you that you could have my CD collection but didn’t give it up? I was an Indian giver. Tried to haggle you on price? I was Jewing you down. I did something stupid? I’m a Polack. I knocked on your door and ran away? Well, we’ll leave that one out…
  • Only in America would you be given every opportunity known to the human race, only to find yourself 50 years old, toothless, broke, living in a trailer park and proudly owning a Cadillac Escalade. We love American priorities.
  • We get to make fun of everything we love, including our country.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Cline, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Scotty Harris, J.Miz, Ryan Krause, Lola Tucker and Woo

June 14, 2011

When I Was A Kid In The 80’s…

by ANNE GARDNER and ANDREW HICKS
edited by WOO and ANDREW HICKS

Wait, that's not a box of Chicken McNuggets, it's a crazy Transformer hanging out in a fake styrofoam box!

There were no gender-specific McDonald’s Happy Meal toys back in the day. Boy or girl, you got the same toy, like it or not. They were shitty, and they got exactly one play session — during the ride home — before being sentenced to life imprisonment in the toy box. Now kids get Barbie dolls and Littlest Pet Shop (“That’s who!”) figurines. I’m talking the real toys.  Lucky kids. Of course, these children are fatter, slower and weaker now than we were, but whatever. I still feel ripped off.

There were TWO different brown M&M’s during my childhood. A light brown and a dark brown. Someone must’ve misheard the acronym for the colors of the rainbow — “Broy G. Biv,” or some shit. The company finally realized brown was one color and killed the lighter-skinned M&M, but I wonder what kind of personality the light brown M&M would’ve had if it’d survived to be a part of the current ad campaign. Like the green one’s all sexy, the yellow one’s a fatass with a comb-over, the red one is gay… what would the light brown one have been like? Social reject? Awkward jokester? Corner pouter at the cocktail party? Or would he just get pulled over by cops all the time because he’s BROWN?

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