This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

• Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.

• When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?

• My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.

• You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!

• It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.

• About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.

• I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.

• They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.

• Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.

• I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.

• When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.

• You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.

• In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.

• Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom

• Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard

• I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.

• My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.

• Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.

• I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture

• I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.

• I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.

• Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom

• “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.

• It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.

• My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz

• I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.

• Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”

• Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.

• My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.

• I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.

• My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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  Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

  Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

• A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.

• I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”

• Glee makes my vagina seal shut.

• Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.

• Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”

• I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.

• If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.

• I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.

• I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.

• The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.

• I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”

• Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”

• I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.

• Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!

• I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree

• I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.

• When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.

• It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.

• I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.

• When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

• Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.

• I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts

• The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.

• I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot

• Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”

• I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.

• Thunderstorms make me wet.

• Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.

• “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi

• Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.

• You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.

• I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.

• People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.

• It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.

• I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.

• I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.

• What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?

• I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”

• I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.

• Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.

• I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”

• I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.

• Safe words are for pussies and quitters.

• My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.

• You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?

• My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.

• I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.

• I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 3

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgement to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Click here to read Fyler’s previous Devil’s Guides. –AJH]

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Agnosticism: Theological bet-hedging.

Airplane: The dream of gods and heroes, an airplane is a magical conveyance that allows man finally to achieve the goal of flight. So magnificent is it, in fact, that it requires the invention of a special device – the airline – to turn it into a soul-sucking cavalcade of human misery. 21st century airlines are very good at their job.

Alcohol: Evolution’s accelerator pedal.

Bank: A legalised consortium of thieves, scoundrels and extortionists which, against all the laws of mathematics, collectively manages to achieve a moral standard somehow lower than any of its parts.

Baseball: The least imaginative use ever made of a baseball bat.

BFF (Best Friends Forever): A promise made by people too shallow to understand that “forever” extends beyond next week.

Capitalism: Economic system that gives the rights of personhood to corporations and the rights of deities to currencies, in the belief that money, if sufficiently worshipped, will reproduce.

Catholicism: Pyramid scheme with pointy hats and promises.

Celebrity: Egomaniac with entertainment value.

Chocolate:  Throughout the whole of recorded history, mystics, alchemists and other assorted hippies have searched and toiled and sweated to discover the distilled elixir of life. Now available at Walmart.

Cocaine: Sugar for those with more money than sense.

Coalition: System of government specifically designed to ensure nobody gets what they want. A finely-tuned misery engine, in essence.

Communism: Economic and political system based on the idea that many idiots are better than one.

Compromise: A 21st century notion by which everybody loses. Originally the invention of desperate parents of multiple siblings, it was never meant to be taken seriously by anyone over the age of 8.

Credit Card: A plastic lie which guarantees not only its own discovery but also its own punishment.

Cynicism: Accuracy.

Debt Ceiling: The economic value of exactly how much sincerity can be forced into this statement: “The check is in the mail.”

Ecology: The idea that extinction should be avoided at all costs. Currently unsupported by large groups of people who appear to believe that, so long as everyone else dies first, they win.

Fashion: A subtle co-mixture of style and stupidity.

Fast Food:  If you watch chimpanzees eat, several facts become apparent. They eat with their hands, grunt and squeal unintelligibly and will, if the occasion demands it, happily ingest a mouthful of feces. The theory of evolution claims mankind diverged from his chimpanzee cousins some 5-7 million years ago. Fast food restaurants prove that the theory of evolution may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Gym: A voluntary torture chamber.

Gymnastics: Sadomasochism with a scoring system.

Homeland Security: The notion that the nation can only be truly safe once everyone’s under suspicion.

iMac: The supermodel of computers – very pretty to look at but functionally illiterate.

Infomercial: An extended commercial. Strict linguists are now demanding these be referred to more accurately as “bullshimercials.”

Islam: A relatively immature religion, currently going through its teenage phase of slamming doors, yelling “I never asked to be manifested!” and killing thousands of people for no readily identifiable reason. Many Christians look down on Islam for this kind of behaviour, almost as if the 15th century never happened. Or the 16th century. Or the 17th, come to that.

Journalism: An alternative to earning an honest living.

Looting: Revolution for personal gain.

Microsoft: The ultimate profanity. Known euphemistically as “the M Bomb,” it is generally only used when all other linguistic ordinances have been exhausted. Sadly, the nature of 21st century work means the M Bomb can be heard in every office in the world on a daily basis. Usually around two minutes before an important deadline or meeting.

NASCAR: A popular motorsport, the chief attraction of which appears to be the opportunity to watch hillbillies explode into greasy balls of flame.

Nouvelle Cuisine: The Emperor’s new dinner.

Novelist: A professional liar.

Olympics: The celebration of a collection of sports that no one gave a flying 50-yard fuck about for the past three years and 50 weeks.

O’Reilly, Bill: Proof that 3.5 million people can be wrong after all.

Philosophy: The contemplation of the universe’s navel, and the investment of serious time and effort in trying to describe the fluff found therein.

Ready Meals: Food that should come with a handful of barbiturates or a shotgun to take the taste away.

Resumé: A structured lie.

Romance: Man’s most effective sexual lubricant. Also, in the long run, his most expensive. It is possible there is some sort of mystical connection between these two facts.

Search Engine: Device that makes actual searching entirely obsolete. Should more accurately be described as a command engine. Or a genie.

Sobriety: State of being which allows one to see things as they actually are. The history of mankind has been one long flight from such a ghastly prospect.

Staycation: The fashionable name for sitting your poor ass on the couch.

TiVo: Device that allows you to record television programmes you didn’t care enough about to watch and store them so you can not watch them over and over and over again.

Twitter: Website where those who can only be interesting or funny for 140 characters or fewer are the most successful.

Walmart: Ultimate 21st century practitioner of the Find The Lady trick, the “lady” in this case being sweatshop production labor, de-unionised store labor, minimum-wage exploitation and shoddy product quality. But ooh, look, sneakers for a dollar ninety-five. How do they do that?

WMDs: Weapons of mass destruction. In the 21st century, these were discovered to be not only invisible but actually nonexistent.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 10

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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• 

  Don't let this old dog's air of sophistication fool you -- there's crack-cocaine in that pipe!

  If you walk a mile in a man’s shoes, that’s NOTHING compared to a man walking a mile in my “fuck me pumps.”

• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I have a motherfucking chainsaw.

• As a child, I always wanted a lot of pets. Just not from my uncle.

• All empty relationships can be aided by a full bottle.

• You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but he will VOLUNTARILY do anything you want. Once you get him addicted to crack. #PearlsOfWisdom

• I caught my boyfriend trying to cheat on me with a hooker! I was FURIOUS that’s how he found out about my new job.

• In regard to my sex life, I am a proponent of the “buddy system.”

• When I found out my boyfriend had another girlfriend, I felt REALLY bad. For her.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

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  Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

  Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

• As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz

• I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.

• I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom

• After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.

• I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.

• One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.

• Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?

• I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.

TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.