Broken News, June 26, 2011

edited by WOO

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

U.S. Airways Allows Man in Underwear to Fly

Lieberman? You decide!

Apparently, white males are allowed to get away with anything. We assumed he was also Republican, that was, until we learned it was actually a pathetic attempt by Rep. Joe Lieberman to stay relevant.

We do wonder how many passengers were tempted to yell that they were “Tired of these motherfucking snakes, on this mother fucking plane.” We imagine the snake in question has a serious case of herpes.

Study: Women dig dudes driving hot cars

Science says women are attracted to men with hot cars because the wealth of such a vehicle shows security. Science also says women define security as Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo and Vera Wang.

A related study releases a comprehensive, exhaustive catalog of what women don’t dig in men. You ready for the list? Here it is: “No money.”

We here at We’re Not Funny decided to test this theory. Assuming the opposite of the premise to be true, we took our hoopty 1995 Mitsubishi company vehicle out for a cruise. We found ourselves balls deep in women with low-self-esteem, lacking social graces, poorly educated, and questionably hygienic. We do support the findings of this article and will be notifying the University of Texas at San Antonio research group responsible for this article, just as soon as the rashes clear up.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew J. Hicks, Woo, Anne Gardner, Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella and Ertel Gray

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