Haiku News, 19 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

It's 'policy' when you take from the poor to keep the rich happy. It's 'warfare' when you take money from a millionaire who will still be a millionaire afterwards.

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Republicans Call Obama’s Tax Plan ‘Class Warfare’

Kill the middle class.
And then call the Kettle black.
Neo-Con trash Pots.

—–

New England faces possible pumpkin shortage

A Pumpkin shortage?
I bet it’s Peter. Peter
Damn Pumpkin Eater.

—–

Windows 8: What you need to know

Same as Win 7
with a fugly Start Menu.
The future is here.

—–

PlayStation Network Updates Protect Sony from Lawsuits

You can’t sue Sony.
I did not know my console
was an H.M.O.

—–

Exclusive: Lohan ‘Distressed’ By Bad Girl Reports

Left Rehab today.
Interview held in Night Club.
Don’t call me ‘Bad Girl.’

—–

US gamers crack puzzle in AIDS research that stumped scientists for years

Three-Hundred Fifty.
Is not only Gamer weight,
but I.Q. as well!

Haiku News, 29 August 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

I don't care how good she looks, or how drunk you are, DO NOT make babies with this Neanderthal Woman

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Hurricane Irene Leaves Thousands Without Power In Maryland

Hurricane Irene
If you must knock out power
Do so in D.C.

—–

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Stepping Down

Apple® without Jobs
Like Windows® without Blue-screen
Stable but ugly

—–

Hurricane Irene may test cell phone networks

Well at least in this
Economy, hurricanes
can still get a job

—–

Astronomers discover planet made of diamond

Planet of diamond?
In the cosmical street game
That’s baller-ass shit

—–

Sex with Neanderthals likely strengthened human immune system

Worked for us then, not
so much now. Neanderthals
now lower gene pool

—–

Lions impressive in preseason rout of New England

Obligatory
Sports article haiku here
Not even worth the brainpower to count syllables on the third line

“You Are Currently Held In A Black Hole”

by TONY FYLER
edited by T. Allan Christopher

Hello? Anyone there?

I knew we should never have hired THIS guy!

If I’ve learned one thing this week, it is this: Don’t mess with web developers, they’re more powerful and more stupid than they know…

It was a Wednesday morning. Katie, our conference organiser, bursts into the office, all frantic energy and hair, and says, “We’ve got a bloke who can’t use the conference booking system on our website!”

“OK,” I said, “what’s up?”

“He’s from Germany,” she said.

“What?”

“He’s from Germany…”

“Ohhhhkay…”

“Apparently, Germany’s not listed as a country on our system,” she explained.

“Oh.”

“And it won’t let him be from anywhere else, ’cause his address details and phone code don’t match any other country…”

“Well of course not, he’s in Germany.”

“But he can’t be in Germany if Germany doesn’t exist. You can’t be somewhere that’s nowhere, and of course, you can’t be anywhere else, ’cause you’re in the country formerly known – and indeed currently known to most of the world – as Germany.”

“Tricky, I admit.”

“So we need to rebuild the Rhineland.”

“What, just you and me? I’m kind of busy this morning…”

“Dumkopf! Get on to the developers, and get on to them now, tell them to reinstate bloody Germany, so our bloke can officially be there.”

“Yawohl Frauleinn…”

Quick Text, Long Regret

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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The Quick Text app is great for sending frequently used phrases like, “Be home soon” and “Call you when I get off work.” But members of our writing staff have complained that Quick Text’s prewritten suggestions don’t suit their specific common texting needs. Now WNF has a plug-in upgrade package that is guaranteed to save you time at least twice per week. –AH

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20 New Quick Text Phrases

1. Out of crack, please stop.
2. You forgot your panties.
3. Meet me where we killed that guy.
4. Bring your paycheck directly home.
5. You are NOT the father.
6. I really respect your opinion and independence as a woman.
7. Grandma says you used all her lotion again. Call me on Tuesday.
8. You were right, I’ve got AIDS.
9. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Lemme get that booty call.
10. Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior?
11. Can’t talk now, I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special.
12. I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.
13. What a coincidence. Rutherford B. Hayes is MY favorite one-term president too!
14. What was your name again?
15. Just saw the blackest baby EVER!
16. You left the braunschweiger out on the counter again.
17. I simply pooped my pants, and he let me off with a warning. I’m telling you, it’s the male equivalent of cleavage.
18. I got 5 on it.
19. Herpes is the curable one, right?
20. Sorry, too busy to waste my time on your skanky ass.

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CONTRIBUTORS: J.Miz, James Draper, Andrew Hicks, Justin Olomon, Jeff Bailey, Woo, Angie Rosenberg