Waiting on the Last Supper

by ANDREW HICKS

I was a restaurant server for many years, and during our down times, the ultimate hypothetical question was: If you got sat with a 13-top (that’s a party of 13 in restaurantese), and it was Jesus and the disciples sitting down for the Last Supper, would you want to wait on it?

Someone would always say, “Sure, I mean, it’s Jesus, the most important religious and historical figure of all time. That’s a big deal. I might make it into the painting and everything!”

Then someone else would always say, “No way. I hate waiting on Christians. They tip like crap.” And, you know, that stereotype is pretty much true. The Bible tells believers to give 10 percent to God, so why would they give their server 20 percent? Good restaurant service is a godsend, but it’s not worth twice the dough you cough up to the Almighty.

Usually, you get an 8 percent tip with one of those Are You Going To Heaven? pamphlets on top. Which, if you get one of those, the answer is assumed to be “hell no.” Your customer analyzed your manner, your demeanor and your choice of small-talk topics and determined you were a heathen in need of redemption via mass-printed, poorly written, completely impersonal contact.

Me, I would definitely choose to wait on the Last Supper. Because I’m pretty sure from scripture that if you touch whatever part of your body ails you to any part of Jesus or his Holy Robe, you are instantly healed.

You could walk up to the table, say, “Lemme get that empty bread plate outta your way, sir,” then lean in, grab the plate, do a little pivot turn, and touch your back to Jesus’ shoulder before he’d even realize what was going on.

You’d be in the back of house, coworkers giving you crap: “I see you’re waiting on Jesus out there. What did he order for everyone, a fish sandwich with 12 extra plates?”

And you’d be like, “As a matter of fact, he did, but I don’t even care because I think he just healed my bad back, and he didn’t even know it.”

Later on, you’re dropping the check: “Does anyone care for some Cinammon Matzo Mania or Kosher Chocolate Strudel tonight? No? Okay, well then, just pay me whenever you’re ready.” Lean way over Jesus, present the check at the center of the table, and kind of mash your crotch into his back while you’re doing it. And exit to the back of house.

COWORKER: I bet he pays with a gift card and leaves you two bucks.
YOU: Yeah, well, I’ll be sure to cry about that after I go home and have sex with my wife with my penis that suddenly works again…

Dear Chevelle: A Weekly Advice Column

This iz me, right after my weddin y'all

My name is Chevelle Danniels. I am a 33 year old single mother of 7 kids: 14, 10, 8 , 4 year old triplets, and my 17 munth old. I was born in Grady, AR and moved to Dumas, AR, to live with my triplets daddy and for more oppurtoonity. I work hard to do for my kids. I am a checker for Wal-mart during the day and a PT bartender in the evenings.  I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortoone and readin Cosmo magazines. I enjoy my bowling legue and trivial nights at the American Legion, which is also where I do my bartending. I can bake better than anybodies grandma. I am an ex smoker and current drinker, Workin hard wit the Lord and AA on that one.  I married my senyor year of highskool and that didn’t work out so well so I’ve been looking for my Prince Charmin every cents. If you are him then  don’t you be afraid to buy me no drink ;)

Until then Our Lord and Savior will do.  I am a Christian but I don’t judge. Jesus Christ is the only perfect being so write in with any quesitons, heathens.  I have real solootons for real delimmus.

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

Special Christmas Message

by REVEREND ISAIAH “PRAYER” FOHMUNEE

This is your Reverend, over at the First Apostolic Landmark Diastolic Systolic Anastomotic  Missionary Free Methodist Double Double Rock Rock In The Path To Zion Halfway To Heaven Holiness Baptist Church Of The Immaculate Preconceived Interventionist Episcopal Conceptualization Temple. I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas on behalf of my congregation, and We’re Not Funny. Oh, and for you heathens, Happy Holidays as well. You bunch of Quasi Kwanzaa, Half-Ass Hanukkah, Superfluous Solstice celebrators. Jesus loves you anyway, yes, yes he do. And now, allow me to lead you in this here prayer:

Dear Godaaaaa,

I comes to ya Lord. I said, I stands before ya Jesusaaa. I said I humbly humbly humbly lay my soul bare to you Gee-Hov-aaaaa, to thank ya’ Lord for the many blessings you hath given. This Christmas season’a, there are so many Lord, so many who do not have a Playstation 3. I said no Playstation 3. Some of ’em Lord, they got three Playstation 1’s. But in your omnipotence Lord I know you know that ain’t the same’a. I said you know that ain’t ain’t ain’t the same! We not askin’ for the keys to the kingdom here Fatha’. We just need us some entertainments. We also know Savior, that there are those brothers and sisters among us driving around in 1986 Chevy Citations. I said a Haaaaatchbaaack’a. Oh Dear Jeeeeesus, you know the reliability just isn’t there Lord. How can we spread your word when the car won’t start? How can we make a sinner desire what we have with you Lord’a, when they see us in the hoopty. Reverend get lonely Lord, I said loooonely Lord. How’s a humble humble servant supposed to get some companionship on these cold cold nights of the Christmas Season? Maybach! Oh yes Lord’a. I said a brotha’ need to lay-back in the Maybach! Represent your name in style. P. Diddy only spreads the name of P. Diddy Laaaawd, but he get to lay-back’a. I said I need the Maybach’a. I come humbly humbly humbly before you with such a simple request’a. But I digress’a. Gee-Hov-aaaaa, bless these WNF reader’s this season. Let ’em know you the reason.

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnaaa.

Yo’ offerings can be mailed right on in to Jesuuuuuus here:

F.A.L.D.S.A.M.F.M.D.D.R.R.I.T.P.T.Z.H.T.H.H.B.C.O.T.I.P.I.E.C.T. 
C/O Reverend Isaiah "Prayer" Fohmunee
P.O. Box 777
Holiness Chapel Village, New York 77777

Using the Force To Find Baby Jesus

by J. MIZ

My mom had the tree up, and  ready for my 3 yr old niece Azzy, to help decorate. This afternoon, she brought up all the boxes of ornaments (35 yrs worth) and had them all set out. When the tree was like 9/10 done, Azzy came across a Tupperware box of the Hallmark Keepsakes ornaments, in their own boxes. She got all excited (not realizing she had already removed some of them earlier) because she the found the box Baby Jesus went in, but it was empty. So, after some digging, she found Baby Jesus. She was soooooo happy & yelling “Look it’s baby Jesus! It’s baby Jesus!” She then presents us with Baby Jesus, but we all know Baby Jesus a little better by his “hollywood name.” Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Merry Xmas Baby Jesus. May the force be with you.

–As a side note (and to show a bit of  her dry humor) my mom says, “Well, in her defense, she’s never really been to church. She got the beard and robe right, so HEY!”