by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
—
J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.
- I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!
- Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?
- What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!
- The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.
- I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.
- The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!
- When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.
- I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.
- Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.
- Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid
- Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!
- I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.
- White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.
- The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.
- I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.
- Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.
- I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.
- I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.
- To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.
- A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.
- The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.
- I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.
- Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.
- I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.
- I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.
- My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”
- If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.
- Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.
- If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.
- Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.
- I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.
- Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.
- I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.
- I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.
- I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.
- I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!
We're Not Funny 