Posts tagged ‘O.J. Simpson’

August 2, 2011

Famous Literary Quotes

by ANDREW HICKS, WOO, ERIC DOHMAN and TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

“The horse owned the feed silo that the chicken ate from, the chicken would wash the car of the sheep. At one point, the donkey decided to vote Republican.”
-George Orwell, Animal Farm

“I wouldn’t call it a sex toy per se, but it does have all needed parts, my dear.”
-Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“That’s what I have: Up Syndrome!”
-Chris Burke, My Name Is Not Corky

“YORK Jeff 2591 Hicks Pike 48791…………….414 234-03​36.”
The Real White Pages, Madison, Wis.

‎”I gave Bernie Leibowitz a toy airplane for his tenth birthday, and he never wrote me a thank you note. Who doesn’t write a thank you note? A Jew, that’s who!”
-Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf

“At Christmas party, drink one bottle of gin and gently place breasts on copy surface. Press 100 then start.”
-Xerox 914 Operating Manual

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July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

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Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

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Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

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Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

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Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

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Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

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CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

March 12, 2011

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

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January 27, 2011

______ of the Christ

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


  • Wanted for dining and dashing, making big promises.

    Jesus snuck out of Denny’s without paying for breakfast… DASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

  • I heard Jesus is representing Galilee in a beauty pageant… SASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Got a hot Jesus you need to hide until the trail runs cold? Sounds like it’s time for… STASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Opening his robe while in public… FLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Dude’s got these sweet-ass gladiator sandals… FASHION OF THE CHRIST.
    • He wore that belt with those robes? That’s some serious CLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Big-booty Jesus… KARDASHIAN OF THE CHRIST.
    • Divine special order at the medical marijuana dispensary? HASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • You can only get so much Jesus per day… RATION OF THE CHRIST.
    • Jesus overcooked his steak. Chewing on that thing is gonna require some GNASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • I heard Jesus shaved off his beard. Yup, for the time being he’s just going with a little STACHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Wild and wonderful Jesus of West Virginia… APPALACHIAN OF THE CHRIST.
    • I don’t mind the walking on water thing, but I wish he’d stop kicking it in my face. I’m tired of the SPLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST!
    • Jesus likes to get all the lumps out of his potatoes… MASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • The Jesus I grew up with was all HOOD, always talkin about bustin caps… BLASSIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • I always imagined when Jesus comes back it will be like a nuclear alarm sounding off… CLAXON OF THE CHRIST.
    • Jesus was mostly a good kid, but he got a detention at school once for talking too much about himself in class… INFRACTION OF THE CHRIST.
    • Jesus got a D in Driver’s Ed… CRASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • If Jesus took over the body of O.J… yes, SLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.
    • Mel Gibson made a movie once… CASH-IN OF THE CHRIST.