Posts tagged ‘Johnny Carson’

June 10, 2011

That’s Not Funny…

Print it out and sign it, you unfunny twatwaffle.

… according to PAUL LAO
edited by WOO

[Editors Note: This piece, while containing plenty of humor, is more of an advice column for those striving in the Stand-Up comedy arena. We could all use advise from one who has been around, and we all know Paul Lao has been around!] 

I have been doing stand up for 8 years and I know how to spot a hack, a train wreck, a complete waste of time.  Here is (from my findings) what I consider to make one suck at the hard art:

1. Don’t hate fuck the crowd.
If you think this is going to go well because you shocked the crowd with a raping grandma’s corpse joke while curb stomping a baby, then guess again.  Also don’t talk shit about the venue, the owner, the staff, and the audience.  You are there to make people laugh. At least start with a welcome and a smile before you decide to fist them with no lube.  Wait for them to wrong you then come down on them with furious vengeance.

2. Don’t dress up and make a joke about it.
Resourcefulness is a very admirable attribute when we think of a hero.  And what’s worse than to give him/her a situation that they are completely prepared for?  Diehard would have sucked if John McClane had the Ironman suit.  I have seen guys wear Hawaiian Shirts, 3 piece suits, hats of every genre, t-shirts, props glued to their chest, a doll house on their head, and a guy who slammed his hands on his shorts and popped red fake blood onto the floor.  If you make a joke about a circumstance that you put yourself in you will not get any laughs because the surprise isn’t there.  Or the punch is going to be weak if they see it coming.  Comedy is about misdirection and an awakening of the mind.

Do material about the body you are born with, and how you deal with it.

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March 28, 2011

3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

edited by ANDREW HICKS


The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

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January 2, 2011

Who Is Your Inspiration?


Ladies Love Finger Buddah

It doesn’t matter if you write stories, poems, or jokes. We all were inspired to indulge our talent by someone or something. A Teacher, friend, author, poet, comic, etc. Here are a few of my inspirations:

  1. Johnny Carson: The only entertainer that would bomb in his monologue and still make it damn funny.
  2. Adam Sandler: Made me want to make goofy videos with my buddies. His comedy CDs are AWESOME. The one person my comedic mind wants to measure up to. Yes, I know there is a long road ahead.
  3. Bill Cosby: Does the type of standup I don’t do well — storytelling.
  4. Ron White: A guy I somewhat tried to emulate when I first started out in standup, minus the cigar and scotch.
  5. Maria Bamford: The funniest lady in comedy today. Maria is funny enough to have her own sitcom.  I did a workshop with her and it was mega-fun. She is the blond in the Target Black Friday commercials, for those who aren’t familiar with her.
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December 12, 2010

Know your Buddah


  • I am allergic to eggs but eat them anyway cause that’s how I roll.
  • I like small children but, no, not in that way.
  • I have peed in pools countless times.
  • I do not eat green veggies except for lettuce, celery and green crayons.
  • I talk with John Quincy Adams on Facebook. Martin Van Buren, however, is a stuck-up bastard.
  • I want custard pie all the time for no apparent reason.
  • I wish I was a 1940s-era professional baseball player, major league or Negro League.
  • I don’t want to party like it’s 1999 because I made a lot of bad decisions that year.
  • Before getting married, I got my wife’s permission to stay in love with Valerie Bertinelli.
  • My wife Lori is my best friend and true love and always will be.
  • I finished second in the fifth grade spelling bee, and now I can’t spell worth a damned.

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