Shout-Outs

by BRANDON STOKES
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Brandon Stokes

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• Shout-outs to George Jefferson’s wife AND Lil’ Wayne, for having the same voice but being two completely different Weezys.

• Shout-out to that Lil’ Wayne CD you keep stashed, just in case you have to give your black friend a ride home.

• Shout-out to guys who tell chicks they’ll eat their butts in text messages.

• Shout-out to Southpole and FUBU for keeping wiggas PIMPED OUT LIKE A HOMIE G DAWG!

• Shout-out to every time you want to say, “That shit’s racist!” but you’re not quite sure.

• Shout-out to black people who aren’t afraid of eating fried chicken in front of white people.

• Shout-out to everyone that couldn’t find the pussy from doggystyle when they lost their virginity… or was that just me?

• Shout-out to Flavor Flav for getting famous with Public Enemy instead of just being that one stupid nigga from the news.

• Shout-out to YouTube for letting the closet racists vent.

Lesser-Known 2012 Presidential Candidates

Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO

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Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks

Our Favorite Presidents

by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)

George W. Bush — Just kidding.

Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.

John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.

William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!

Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!

Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*

James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!

Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!

Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.

Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.

Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!

William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!

Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.

*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”

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ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo

The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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  Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

  Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

• Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
• Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
• There IS an “I” in “team.”
• Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
• There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
• Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
• Gay people really just want to be black.
• Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
• Children love rape. And porn.
• A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
• Earth girls are not easy.
• Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
• Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
• Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
• Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
• NASCAR is OCD.
• E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
• There is no such thing as a Jedi.
• Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
• White people love disco.
• My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
• Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
• The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
• George W. Bush was not a crook!
• While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
• There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.