Famous Last Words

by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"Hurry! Call 911! Act now! Call 911" -Billy Mays

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• “Is that Bubbles?” “No.” “I meant in the syringe.” –Michael Jackson

• ‎”What the fuck, Brutus?” –Julius Caesar

• ‎”Maybe I shoulda just eaten that donut.” –Karen Carpenter

• “Always left, left, left. Let’s see what happens if I go right for a change.” – Dale Earnhardt

• ‎”Delete all my texts from that black chick.” –Thomas Jefferson

• ‎”Fuck, I forgot the eyebrows.” –Leonardo DaVinci

• ‎”I’m on a horse!” –Christopher Reeve

• “Maybe I was TOO easy?” -Eazy E

• “Birds. I dedicated my life to a bunch of fucking birds.” –J.J. Audubon

• ‎”A Tyson fight? I am SO there! Just let me finish this 827 hours of recording time, that’ll in no way fuel rumors that I faked my death by continuing to release CDs posthumously. -Tupac Shakur

• ‎”If the casket fit… oh… oh shit.” -Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.

• “O.J., that knife is too big to cut up veggies.” –Nicole Brown Simpson

• “That white light’s way too small for me to fit through.” –Andre the Giant

• ‎”I’m still alive, FUCKER!” –Betty White

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Inappropriate Restaurant Music

by RYAN KRAUSE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

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Riots break out at KFC during Tuesday Two-Play day on Sirius XM's Michael Bolton Radio channel.

I’ve worked in restaurants for more than six years now, and as a music junkie I’ve always paid close attention to the music played in the dining room for the customers. I believe the music played in a restaurant is a vital component to creating a good mood in customers. Restaurants should play fun, upbeat, popular music that is considered to be tolerable by all people. These playlists are corporately compiled to be played in restaurant dining rooms, yet they frequently play the most bland, depressing, out-of-place, truly fucking shitty music that does NOT set the mood for fun.

Exhibit A for my argument: Tom Petty. You would think, Oh, a nice, light rockin’ Petty song would be good for a restaurant. My only question is, why the fuck would you play “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” in a restaurant where food takes forever? You’re already pissed off, then you hear a song that reminds you of how waiting too long to fill your stomach with delicious food sucks ass. Then, after a shitty meal you hear multitracked voices chanting, “HEY! Don’t come around here no more!” You know these customers are thinking, That’s a great idea. I’m fucking NOT coming around here no more!

Another song that has royally pissed me off is Chris Rice’s “Lemonade.” Now, I listen to modern rap, and those ballers aren’t half as pompous as Chris Rice. His song is nothing but boasting how life handed him lemonade, instead of lemons from which to make lemonade. Which means his life has been easy as shit because he is a trust-fund baby. He is, and always will be, rich and “happy.” He will never have to work, or MAKE LEMONADE FROM LEMONS like the rest of us.

By the way, Chris Rice, your lyric, “Thanks for the happy ending,” is a punch in the face to all those average human beings who just waited 45 minutes for their hot-wing appetizers to come out. They already endured all that Tom Petty. Now, when they leave, they hear a song about a guy who is having the best life anyone has ever had ever! Whoever picked this song to be played during dining hours at a restaurant is a huge dick!

Other “Horrible Mentions” in the Inappropriate Restaurant Music category go to: John Mayer, “Waiting For the World to Change”; Michael Jackson, “Man In the Mirror”; and Bryan McKnight, “Back At One.” Those three songs, back to back, are enough to make me stab a random person in the face with a fork. And guess what? A restaurant customer’s silverware rollup comes with two forks! Since this trio of crap music comes from the iPod playlist of a fauxhawked douchetard bartender at my current place of employment, maybe the customers should fork-stab him! Then maybe he won’t play the same iPod playlist every night. (I mean, seriously, this dillweed never hits the “shuffle” button).

It would be kind of cool to see a depression-induced mass suicide during the dinner rush, due to the back-to-back playing of “This Year’s Love” by David Gray and any REM song. Maybe the restaurant people would finally say to themselves, “Shit! Mass suicide! Maybe we should rethink our music playlist!” Then the playlist-making bartender would reply, “Nah, let’s go the safe and easy route, add a little Yanni and take away their forks.”

50 dance songs whose titles double as euphemisms for masturbation

by WOO

1. Get It on the Floor – DMX
2. Rock the Bells – LL Cool J
3. U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
4. Party Starter – Will Smith
5. The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
6. Pump It – Black Eyed Peas
7. Crank That – Soulja Boy
8. Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
9. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ – Michael Jackson
10. Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase
11. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
12. Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas
13. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team
14. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch feat. Loleatta Holloway
15. Get Ready For This – 2 Unlimited
16. Here Comes the Hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
17. C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
18. I Like To Move It – Real 2 Real feat. The Mad Stuntman
19. Touch Me (All Night Long) – Cathy Dennis
20. Rhythm of the Night – Corona

3DSC, Day 3: Favorite song recorded by an actor

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 3: FAVORITE SONG RECORDED BY AN ACTOR/ACTRESS

Mr. T and The Mothers

J.MIZ
Any time I catch Mr. T‘s “Treat Your Mother Right,” time stands still, my jaw goes slack, and I stop breathing due to its awesomeness.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’d like to nominate Marilyn Monroe‘s rendition of the birthday song for John F. Kennedy. JFK could pull some serious tail… That’s why I still say Jackie O had him killed.

J.MIZ
Anything by Juliette and The Licks! I got somethin’ she can lick! But seriously, she’s badass.

C.J. DODD
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Miley Cyrus on her Breakout album, Platinum Edition. Don’t fucking judge me.

J.MIZ
On the down low — I get “She’s Like the Wind” stuck in my head like two times a year. I’m never sure if that makes me wanna slit my wrists or don a tutu.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Hmmm… that’s dangerously close to being a Patrick Swayze joke. The last thing we want to do is put people off of watching Dirty Dancing the next time it comes on Oxygen. Though, now that I think about it, Swayze probably wouldn’t mind being on oxygen right now.

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

Today in Music History

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

1961 — Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.
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"Spring breeeeaaaaakkk!!!"

1965 — First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.

1971 — George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.

In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.

1978 — David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”

1978 — Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.

1979 — Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.

1985 — Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).

‎1985 — The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).

1988 — Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).

1989 — Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!