Posts tagged ‘Increased Penis Length and Girth’

July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

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Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

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Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

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Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

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Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

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Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

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CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

May 17, 2011

Coming Soon to WNF

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

First rule of fake coupons: Don't superimpose the word "FAKE" in huge blue letters. It's a dead giveaway.

We’re Not Funny recently completed its first six months of publication. That’s 150+ posts, 30+ contributors and, I dunno, a dozen scattered, polite laughs from our readership. Now that we’re established as an Internet comedy magazine to be reckoned with, it’s time to move onward and upward with new features to keep website visitors coming back again and again.

Here are just a few of the improvements you can expect from the second half of the first year of the WNF website.

  • Pre-Filled New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Scan in a sample of your handwriting, email it to us, and each day’s puzzle will arrive in PDF, already appearing to have been filled out in pen with absolutely no mistakes. Impress your family, friends and, actually, no one at all.
  • Fake coupons to your favorite stores and restaurants that look like the real thing. Have the shopping or dining experience of your life by whipping out “100% Off” and “Buy Zero, Get Six Free” coupons.
  • J.Miz‘s Pornographic Origami Cutout Corner.
  • Weather With Woo, 5-Day Forecast. (“Sunday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Monday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Tuesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Wednesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Thursday — chance of rain.”)
  • WNF Personals, with profiles of over 5,000 “hot chicks” who are all secretly Buddah Eskew.
  • “Who the Freak is Ertel Gray: A 200-Part Editorial.”
  • Andrew Hicks combines his best jokes into the new column Obscure Pop Culture References No One Fucking Gets.
February 16, 2011

Waiting on the Last Supper

by ANDREW HICKS

I was a restaurant server for many years, and during our down times, the ultimate hypothetical question was: If you got sat with a 13-top (that’s a party of 13 in restaurantese), and it was Jesus and the disciples sitting down for the Last Supper, would you want to wait on it?

Someone would always say, “Sure, I mean, it’s Jesus, the most important religious and historical figure of all time. That’s a big deal. I might make it into the painting and everything!”

Then someone else would always say, “No way. I hate waiting on Christians. They tip like crap.” And, you know, that stereotype is pretty much true. The Bible tells believers to give 10 percent to God, so why would they give their server 20 percent? Good restaurant service is a godsend, but it’s not worth twice the dough you cough up to the Almighty.

Usually, you get an 8 percent tip with one of those Are You Going To Heaven? pamphlets on top. Which, if you get one of those, the answer is assumed to be “hell no.” Your customer analyzed your manner, your demeanor and your choice of small-talk topics and determined you were a heathen in need of redemption via mass-printed, poorly written, completely impersonal contact.

Me, I would definitely choose to wait on the Last Supper. Because I’m pretty sure from scripture that if you touch whatever part of your body ails you to any part of Jesus or his Holy Robe, you are instantly healed.

You could walk up to the table, say, “Lemme get that empty bread plate outta your way, sir,” then lean in, grab the plate, do a little pivot turn, and touch your back to Jesus’ shoulder before he’d even realize what was going on.

You’d be in the back of house, coworkers giving you crap: “I see you’re waiting on Jesus out there. What did he order for everyone, a fish sandwich with 12 extra plates?”

And you’d be like, “As a matter of fact, he did, but I don’t even care because I think he just healed my bad back, and he didn’t even know it.”

Later on, you’re dropping the check: “Does anyone care for some Cinammon Matzo Mania or Kosher Chocolate Strudel tonight? No? Okay, well then, just pay me whenever you’re ready.” Lean way over Jesus, present the check at the center of the table, and kind of mash your crotch into his back while you’re doing it. And exit to the back of house.

COWORKER: I bet he pays with a gift card and leaves you two bucks.
YOU: Yeah, well, I’ll be sure to cry about that after I go home and have sex with my wife with my penis that suddenly works again…