3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

J.MIZ
I get turned on by anything hardcore. Examples: “Cake and Sodomy” by Marilyn Manson and “Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair” by Xzhibit. So basically play me something about rape, anal or sensory deprivation and SPLASH!

ANDREW HICKS
That Xhibit song works the same way on Vanessa Gash. Gash rhymes with “splash.” Genius!

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I put “Cake and Sodomy” on a mix tape for a girl I was actually dating at the time. It totally worked. And now you all have a shudder-inducing look into my dating history.

J.MIZ
I scared the shit outta of a guy with this industrial hardcore mix of Nirvana‘s “Rape Me.” At the time, I didn’t know about his past dealings with statutory charges. I just wanted to role play.

Chairman Frank takes a moment to contemplate exactly how he's going to satisfy all 11 of these naked Vegas showgirls at the same time, then cautiously proceeds.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I used to put Sinatra‘s “My Funny Valentine” on any mix I made for a girl I was hoping to get busy with. I figured, I was using Sinatra’s version, but the lyrics could easily be interpreted by the ladies to be about me. I would be their funny valentine, and they would want to have lots of carnal knowledge with me. It was only years later I realized just how incredibly contrived, sad and pathetic this move really was. Additionally, I think “My Funny Valentine” has become more of a song for man-on-man expressions of love, adding further to the lameness of my moves. Sigh.

SARACAKES
My ex-husband made a Songs for Sara: The Romance Mix CD at some point during our 6-year relationship that utterly disappointed me in regard to getting it on. These songs did and still do nothing for me in terms of turning me on:

There were five of the 17 that I actually liked: U2 – One, Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight Norah Jones – Turn Me On, Jeff Healey Band – Angel Eyes and The Flys – Got You Where I Want You.

Please note, this is roughly the order they were put in. Intentionally is questionable. Who puts Marvin Gaye right after Heather Nova?? And here’s a tip, guys: Do not include ANY Chicago, Prince, or Marvin Gaye in a “romance” mix if you want to woo a fine lady like myself into your sex nest. Please, please, PLEASE try harder than that.

ANDREW HICKS
Sara, are you seriously so cynical that “You’re the Inspiration” doesn’t get you going? I fear for the future.

SARACAKES
“No one needs you more than I need you?” Crapcrackers! Maybe it’s just me, but i don’t want to have anything to do with someone who would use those words to woo me. Now A Perfect Circle,Magdalena” is my type of I Want To Fall Into You Forever-type of song that pulls on my soul romantically. (“I’ve lost my self control / beyond compelled to throw this dollar down / Before your holiest of altars.”) You BET it’s a holy altar. On your knees, please.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Your ex put together about as heavy-handed a Mixtape Intended To Induce Coitus as any I’ve ever heard of. “Let’s Get It On”? He could at least have gone with something sweeter like “What Good Am I Without You.”

ANDREW HICKS
‎”What Good Am I” was not on the late-night TV Sounds of Pure Love compilation he pulled it from, no doubt.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Was there just not room on the CD for “I Want Your Sex“? Could he have not dropped a Heather Nova song and replaced it with something from Nashville Pussy? I’d recommend “Keep On Fuckin’,” for what it’s worth.

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