The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

• 

  Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

  Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

• Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
• Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
• There IS an “I” in “team.”
• Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
• There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
• Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
• Gay people really just want to be black.
• Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
• Children love rape. And porn.
• A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
• Earth girls are not easy.
• Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
• Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
• Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
• Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
• NASCAR is OCD.
• E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
• There is no such thing as a Jedi.
• Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
• White people love disco.
• My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
• Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
• The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
• George W. Bush was not a crook!
• While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
• There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.