WTF Facebook Friends

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WTF Facebook Friend #1
Thank you, Father God, for all my blessings and being able to see my baby even though my baby mama was trippin. Don’t forget, FB peeps: Ladies Night tonight! All u sexy bitches get in with no cover if you show your titties! Happy fifth birthday, Brianna! Daddy loves you!

WTF Facebook Friend #2
I really need to lose weight. I need motivation!
[NOTE: Friend #2 is checked in at Golden Corral. Alone.]
“Biggest Loser” finale is on tonight! WOOHOO! Note to self: Don’t forget to pick up that sheet cake. Mmm, cake…

WTF Facebook Friend #3
I love my kids sooooo much! Today, my daughter brought home the cutest finger painting! Fuck these kids! All they do is fucking eat, scream and shit!
[NOTE: Friend #2 and her “boo” are currently checked in at Margaritaville.]
W00t! Tequila, bitches! FYI: Amanda’s recital is at 8 am tomorrow. Open seating. Hope u can make it!

WTF Facebook Friend #4
I’m so tired of my stepmom bitching at me for drinking all the orange juice! My name was on it, bitch! 420 = jointnificent! Can somebody drive me to anger management tonight? Why is it I can never hold on to a girlfriend for more than 3 months?

WTF Facebook Friend #5
Why did this happen again? How can you say that? I’m at a loss! Why? When? Where? Who’s responsible for this?!

WTF Facebook Friend #6
Did you see the forecast? o m g! WEATHER! omg omg omg! WEATHER!

WTF Facebook Friend #7
I am sooo tired of these right-wing conservatives and their politics! I have black friends! My cousin is gay! It’s gonna be a whole world of hurt for those idiots when Palin wins in 2012. She is a true liberal. Laterz FB, off to Bible study (:

WTF Facebook Friend #8
I’ve been sooo obsessed with the news lately. Did you see Fox reported some of the Japanese radiation was found in Westchester, Illinois? I mean WTF, people? We need to start writing letters to President Reagan. How long are we gonna sit back and watch Cuba attack Amsterdam like this? Wake up, people!

WTF Facebook Friend #9
hey fb peepz -(; quick question?! is it true i can lighten my period by breast feeding? ive been bleeding so bad its like the slime bit from “you cant do that on television”! yikes! also…can you recommend a good ointment for when my nipples crack and pour out as much as my uterus?! thanks guys! -(;

WTF Facebook Friend #10
[NOTE: FB Friend #9 is now “single.”]
Sorry, guys. My crazy fucking ex-girlfriend hacked my shit and changed my password. I saw that cunt inboxed some girls and deleted people. I cant wait for that whore to come get her shit!
[NOTE: FB Friend #9 is now “in a relationship.”]

WTF Facebook Friend #10
Oh schnap son! did you see that?! dudes money! booyah! what a come back! i hope that derek rose takes it to the house with this next field goal! the lakers are my shit kid! at the end of 3rd period imma remind you all: I FUCKING KNOW THE MLB! go green and purple! man i love college sports!

WTF Facebook Friend #11
I tire of my Facebook friends’ litany of weather concerns, offspring maladies, biological functions and all-around douchery. Do they honestly believe we all lie in wait to hear what weather occurrence lead to Little Jimmy urinating outside of a Piggly Wiggly? I apologize to everyone who just doesn’t realize that I invented Facebook. By the same token, my statuses should serve as dogma for you all in regards to your Facebook status conduct.

WTF Facebook Friend #12
i get so sick of guys like neva eva eva eva taking me srsly! )8 im srsly almost like 24! wtf! omg! >:-( all they wanna do is make secks to me and play w my (.)(.) & (y)! srsly?! gtfo stoopid head! im also suuuuuper smart
[NOTE: FB friend #12 then posts new photo album “me n my gurlz showin ass & titty *hollaaaaa*]

%d bloggers like this: