Posts tagged ‘Jessica Stimson’

October 31, 2011

2011’s Least Popular Halloween Costumes

  • Rocky Dennis was named People's Sexiest-On-The-Inside Man Alive in 1985.

    Rocky Dennis from Mask

  • Octomom’s placenta
  • Tom from MySpace
  • Any costume you have to buy
  • Obese, bacon-intoxicated Ghandi
  • Gas station marquee from the future
  • Andy Rooney’s pubescent bed sheets from 1923
  • Freshly fucked couch

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Hicks, Paul Lao, Probably Matt Linville, Jessica Stimson, Eve Ventrella and Woo
EDITED BY
Andrew Hicks

September 3, 2011

Song Challenge 19: Adult-Contemporary Guilty Pleasures

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicago's "Look Away" video: Hot chick. Fiery explosion. Still somehow boring.

ANDREW HICKS
Okay, I’ll go first. One of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is Chicago‘s “Look Away.” It’s a Diane Warren song, even (that lady has written some of the worst pop ballads of all-time and become a billionaire in the process), and I love its maudlin gaudiness. The video, on the other hand, looks like an awful version of the depressing first half of a Folgers commercial with pyrotechnics tossed in.

ANNE GARDNER
What does “adult contemporary” mean exactly? Music that appeals to adults or music made by adults? Or both?

ERIC DOHMAN
Any music where you can replace the word “baby” with “Jesus” and it still sounds like it fits.

T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER
The narrowed-down definition would be: music by people our age for people our age. However, you can look at “past adult contemporary” music as well, which was music for peers in that time period. Think of softer, more R+B-driven non-bubblegum pop. Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Amy Grant‘s secular stuff, Elton John, Billy Joel, etc.”

ERIC DOHMAN
“Look away, Jesus, look away…

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July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

June 23, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Favorite Tune About Drugs and/or Alcohol

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

"Ever since he started listening to The Velvet Underground, Jesus steals all my good heroin."

JESSICA STIMSON
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw,” by Jimmy Buffett. Because, really, what more is there to say?

ANDREW J HICKS
If it was me, the song would be called “Why Don’t We Get To That Fine-Line BAC Level Where You Don’t Look Ugly Anymore But My Dick Still Works (And, At That Point, Have Some Sex).”

JESSICA STIMSON
Same difference. You callin’ me ugly?

ANDREW J HICKS
You callin’ me a drunk?

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Split Lip Rayfield‘s “A Little More Cocaine, Please” shows a measure of polite society one isn’t accustomed to seeing in your standard coke fiend.

ERTEL GRAY
Gonna go out on a limb here, but how about “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground? I feel sorry for today’s bands — all the good drugs already have a famous song named after them. All anyone can do now is pen a soft and somber tune about the horrors of caffeine addiction.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The Velvet Underground has two more overt heroin songs — “I’m Waiting For the Man” and “Run, Run, Run” — and another one about amphetamines (“White Light/White Heat“). They also have quite a few songs about cross-dressers and transvestites. I love this band.

WOO
Smile Empty Soul said it best: “I do it for the drugs / I do it just to feel alive / I do it for the love / That I get from the bottom of a bottle.” Just beautiful. What a grand song for an opioid enjoyer like me.

ANDREW J HICKS
Woo, when’s the next party at your house?

SCOTTY HARRIS
Fuck all y’all and your pro-drug songs — “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd takes the cake.

ANDREW J HICKS
I think the song is actually called “Thyt Smyll.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I know it’s lame to admit liking anything from Cypress Hill, but I give them kudos for their sample of Dusty Springfield‘s “Son of a Preacher Man” on their tune “Hits from the Bong.” I saw them at Lollapalooza and Smokin’ Grooves. They actually roll out a giant, smoke-spewing bong onstage for that song. Can’t say they aren’t showmen.

EMILY TOOPS
Trotter’s right. I know it’s shameful to openly and unabashedly enjoy Cypress Hill, but “Dr. Greenthumb” has an incredibly sick beat. And, of course, Bob Dylan‘s “Rainy Day Women No. 12 & 35 (Everybody Must Get Stoned).” Hearing Dylan’s abrasive-ass voice for any period of time makes you wanna toke up.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The lyrics to “Feel Good Hit of the Summer” by Queens of the Stone Age are nothing but a roll call of drugs, repeated over and over. (“Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.”) Then the chorus is “C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cocaine.” Also repeated over and over. It’s songs like this that make me think I could be a competent lyricist.

J.MIZ
I’m a big fan of “Daisy Chain for Satan” by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I LIVE FOR DRUGS! I’M THE WHITE RABBIT! And Curtis Mayfield‘s “Pusherman” from the Superfly soundtrack always makes me wish I was rockin’ a long body and slangin’ that smack.

RYAN KRAUSE
Check out these lyrics from “Crazed Country Rebel” by Hank Williams III: “I was trippin’ on some acid a Latino gave to me / I was smoking morphine till it knocked me off my feet / Then I scored some ‘H’ from my old Uncle Pete / Now I’m startin’ to feel like I might’ve OD’d.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
All you guys are wrong. The best drug song ever is a 112-way tie between every song released by Afroman.