The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

    Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

  • Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
  • Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
  • There IS an “I” in “team.”
  • Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
  • There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
  • Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
  • Gay people really just want to be black.
  • Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
  • Children love rape. And porn.
  • A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
  • Earth girls are not easy.
  • Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
  • Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
  • Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
  • Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
  • NASCAR is OCD.
  • E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
  • There is no such thing as a Jedi.
  • Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
  • White people love disco.
  • My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
  • Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
  • The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
  • George W. Bush was not a crook!
  • While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
  • There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.
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