Posts tagged ‘Frank Sinatra’

August 14, 2011

9 Crazy Christian School Memories

by ANDREW HICKS

1. In first grade, I’m not even 6 years old when the teacher instructs us to speak in tongues. Like it’s a class exercise or something — we just finished our simple addition, now it’s time to talk in tongues. There was a whole room of small children and a middle-aged lady producing spiritual babble on cue. Can’t vouch for the other kids, but I faked it to fit in. Just said random Italian-sounding words. I only remember this happening once. It should seem obvious to both believers or non-believers that you don’t simply tell a kid to have the Holy Spirit come upon him and get spiritually overtaken on demand.

2. Our school cafeteria had the world’s best pretzels with cheese and ice cream sandwiches made from soft, Subway-sized chocolate-chip cookies. You could get a pretzel with cheese AND ice cream sandwich for 75 cents. My health never stood a chance.

3. When I was a sophomore or so, the school booked veteran session guitarist turned Christian solo musician Mike Deasy to perform in chapel for the junior high and high school. They took up a love offering among students to help cover Deasy’s travel and performance expenses, but there wasn’t much love offered, I suppose because everyone was holding onto their cash to buy ice cream sandwiches with. We were all reprimanded by a teacher a few days later, who said she was taking up a collection to mail Deasy a check or something. Keep in mind, this guy had played with the Beach Boys, Byrds, Joe Cocker, Jackson 5, Billy Joel, Little Richard, Elvis, Simon and Garfunkel and Frank Sinatra.

4. We read Shakespeare from a Christian textbook that changed Lady Macbeth’s line, “Out, out, damned spot!” to, “Out, out, foul spot!”

5. At one point, two of the school administrators who ranked higher than our principal interrogated the entire high school one person at a time. We were brought into a downstairs room I’d never seen before to be asked if we were users of alcohol, marijuana, tobacco or smokeless tobacco, or if we knew of anyone who did. It was like a vice version of McCarthyism.

6. I remember my science teacher publicly embarrassing a female student and sending her to the office because the cameltoe in her acid-wash jeans was “showing all your nooks and crannies.” I’m still strangely aroused by acid-wash cameltoe to this day.

7. The entire high school is ushered into the underground tunnel connecting the school to the church for an emergency meeting. By candlelight, in somber tones, a teacher tells us, “Today, [the science teacher] was arrested by the state of Missouri for refusing to teach evolution in her classroom.” A few gasps are heard and tears are shed before it’s revealed to just be a simulation of end-times chaos or something.

8. I am told to go to Hollywood and write more wholesome movies like Sister Act.

9. Before the drama teacher arrived to class, we’d have one student stand guard at the door while the rest of us snuck a peek at pay-per-play UHF music video channel The Box on the TV/VCR AV cart combo. Nine times out of ten, Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” would be playing on The Box. Forbidden fruit, indeed!

May 8, 2011

3DSC, Day 14: Best song by a boy band or girl group

This pic stolen from Rofl Razzi.

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 14: FAVORITE SONG BY A BOY BAND OR GIRL GROUP

WOO
“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys not only has a nice soft groove to move to, it also serves as reminder that “Y” can be used as a vowel sound. (“Tell me why-eeeeee.”)

ANNE GARDNER
I wasnt really allowed to listen to secular music growing up, so I missed a lot. I was, however, “down with the DC Talk.” I liked that song, “That Kinda Girl,” about the perfect Christian woman. I felt like the boys were singing it just for me. I was, after all, the picture of virtuousness… Virtuosity… Virtuously…. Virtuism… Fuck it… Whatever…

WOO
I used to listen to this Messikan rapper named T-Bone who did Christian hip-hop. Of course, I always listened to secular too. I was rather lucky, as my parents took a religious hiatus from the time I was 9 until I was 19. I got to enjoy my teen years without psychotic restrictions on things like music and clothing. However, my attempts to draw a pentagram on the basement floor were always thwarted before I could get the candles lit.

ANNE GARDNER
I used to sneak-listen to New Kids on the Block. I loved their song “Hangin’ Tough” and had a poster of a cat on my wall hanging by just one paw from a clothes line or something. It was my private rebellion against my parents. And, I had a secret crush on Donnie Walhberg. I didn’t find out until later that it was his brother Mark that gave me the really good vibrations. #funkybunch

ANDREW HICKS
“MMMBop” is still damn catchy, and I bet in the years since, the members of Hanson have grown up to be some very stunning, handsome women.

C.J. DODD
“Judas” by Lady Gaga. I technically consider her recordings to be a “band performance” because she has two sets of genitals.

ANNE GARDNER
I heard somewhere that Gaga’s shoulder horns are going to start backup singing on her next tour.

EMILY TOOPS
Too bad Enrique Iglesias doesn’t count as a group. “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” is today’s answer to Frank Sinatra‘s “The Way You Look Tonight.”

Fun game: See how many of these haircuts you can spot during your next trip to Wal-Mart.

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April 29, 2011

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

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