9 Demons of the College House Party

By PAUL LAO and HIS UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCES
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"If you're white, lemme hear ya say 'HOAHH!'"

At its best, a party contains abundant drink, music, laughter, possibility, magic, literal fire, humor and conversation. But parties are more often destructive than constructive, and they’re like a storm — you can predict the time, the size and the location, but you can’t predict the severity until it’s too late. These are the nine demons of the college party:

1. The Host
You cannot have a parasite without a host. The Host is essentially the brood mother or party summoner. One thing The Host doesn’t have to be is the owner of the location. Simply, The Host is the walking green light that says, “Hey guys, it’s okay! Come over here, and we are going to fuck shit up!” And if The Host is renting the house or apartment, rest assured he doesn’t care about getting his deposit back. The deposit could be his life and that of one innocent person. It doesn’t matter — as soon as he has the keys, they’re both gone. To the party host, a deposit is just the cover charge for some good home demolition.

2. The Libation Peasants
In the old Warcraft game, you have these little peasants who collect resources for your army. They are the work horses who drive the campaign, much like the beer runners at a party. Often, these alcohol hunters will settle for the cheapest and least-passable sensory-dulling libation to pour down the mouths of babes. But, surprisingly, what they lack in beer sense, they make up for in the quality of their hard liquor and weed. Nothing’s quite as strange and glorious as the party combo of Johnny Walker Blue, Arab Diesel Kush and a 30-pack of Natty.

3. The Weed Engineers
The Weed Engineer arrives. He presents you with a vaporizer. This contraption looks like something that came out of the Steampunk Era, with meters and lights, gears and pistons, and a gas mask at the end. A second weed engineer arrives. We’ll call him New Age Crystal Man. He wields a bong made half of pewter and half of whatever Superman’s secret fortress of solitude was made of. Demons No. 2 and 3 elevate your tawdry party to the status of Pure Fuel. They open the hellmouth of the party, as it were.

Actual house party douchebag. Note: The "fix red eye" function will not work on this guy. Repeat, it will NOT work on this guy.

4. The Peer Pressurer
When the ancient Greeks had to row their sailboats, there was often a coxswain who would yell “Stroke!” over and over to the crew so they’d keep their rhythm. Nowadays, we have the guy at the party who yells, “Hey, come on! Drink, you pussy!” Normally, this fellow or rough gal is heavier and is clearly both a coward and an alcoholic. The Peer Pressurer’s rationale is, “If birds of a feather drink together, I get cool points for being able to out-drink them.”

5. The DJ
“Bro, I love House, trance, jungle noise, Japanoise, breakbeat, downbeat, electrogrime, Disco, nu school, witch house and chill wave. Grab your glow sticks and some X. It’s time to thud, thud, thud, arm pump, arm pump, arm pump, spin in a circle. I’ve got country, Bollywood, rap, folk, thunder, rock, whale songs, everything underground and some things above ground.” This guy is a fucking douchebag.

6. The Guy Who Tries Too Hard
TGWTTH, you are a radioactive cloud of sexual frustration and social awkwardness. How much hair gel did you use tonight? How often have you told that tasteless racial joke to “break the ice”? Do you realize your clothes only match because ALL your clothes are black and blue? You look like every other guy, and you can only talk about water cooler topics like, “Oh man, ‘The Office’ is so funny,” and “That Barack OSAMA — booyah, gotcha with THAT one!” and “Ungh! Nailed it! Winning!” It’s August, and you’re still doing that “winning” shit? What’s your next impression, funny dude? A little Dr. Evil? Bill Lumburgh? Dave Chappelle-as-Lil’ Jon going, “What?! Yay-UH! OHHH-KAYYY!!”? You need to learn to recognize the expiration dates and the commonality of your oft-quoted pop culture references, TGWTTH.

7. The Drunk Slut / The Tease
There could be a group of them at the party. Or she might be flying solo tonight. Either way, The Drunk Slut and The Tease are equally disappointing. With The Tease, you manage to sneak off to a side bedroom, then she says, “Wait right there.” You lie there a few seconds, then you hear her in the bathroom with a cell phone, crying and arguing with the dude she is actually going to sleep with. Game over. With The Drunk Slut, you become part of a glorious tradition of gentlemen who have gotten there ahead of you — your high school swim team, the towel boy at the country club, the lipstick lesbian who works at Hot Topic, et al. The slut’s menagerie of germs will disintegrate your condom, if indeed she’ll let you use one in the first place.

8. The Street Fighter 2: Turbo Ultra HD Remix Championship Edition Alpha Zero
Around the time it’s too late to get more beer but too early to leave, Party Demon No. 8 unleashes his fury: “Okay, who the fuck took my thing that no other person can use and has no actual value and is something I probably lost?! Okay, it’s time to push some people and yell!” This is the man who can’t help but throw a tantrum when his buzz begins to wear off, because he is cold, hungry, and confused. Exactly like Wolverine from X-Men.

9. The Neighbor Who Acts As Police Dispatcher
The last college house party demon is a grab bag. It could be the neighbor on the left pissed after being woken up by your loud Japanoise beats, or it could be the neighbor on the right calling out of concern for his personal safety. You might even get the neighbor who keeps a log of every tiny misdemeanor that occurs at your party, then calls it all in (complete with license plate numbers he jotted down) just before your guests start to leave. Let’s face it, it’s not an epic party unless some asshole calls the cops.

When you room with a hardcore partier, expect these demons. They come in different combinations and at different levels, but no true party is complete without them. Otherwise, you just have a bunch of aristocrats sipping Bombay Sapphire from Faberge eggs, laughing about the uncivilized ways of the poorest 99 percent of the population. Which I hear can also make for a good time.

One Comment to “9 Demons of the College House Party”

  1. Ahhhh, how the intoxicated half-memories come flooding back…

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