3DSC, Day 2: Least favorite patriotic anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 2: LEAST FAVORITE PATRIOTIC ANTHEM

SAAD AHMED
The ones from other countries.

J.MIZ
I hate them all. Every American anthem sounds like fucking Pilgrim rubbish or a fucking Ford commercial. Canada had the right idea: gank somebody else’s song and toss some new words on it. We ain’t gots times fo’ dis booshit!

C.J. DODD
Whichever one Christina Aguilera fucked up.

MICHELLE DEE
“God Bless the USA,” by everyone and anyone who had a slight amount of talent after 9/11. Especially the American Idol fucks.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That song is a blast at karaoke. You cannot go too far over the top with it.

ANDREW HICKS
Narrowly escaped with my life in a hillbilly bar in 2003 after changing the lyrics to “God Bless Saddam Hussein.”

Soviet WWF wrestler Nikolai Volkoff, in his trademark black hat and red women's underwear.

J.MIZ
Back in the ’80s, WWF wrestler Nikolai Volkoff would sing the Soviet national anthem before each match. Andrew’s hillbillies got nothing on the wrestling fans of yesteryear! I don’t think they let you in unless your 4 year old had a mullet, a shirt you cut the sleeves off of and a pack of Redman chew.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I also hate “Horst-Wessel-Leid.” It was the German national anthem under the Nazis. I don’t have any particular problem with the song, but I can’t really get down with the whole Holocaust thing.

J.MIZ
Yeah, that’s true! I catch the beginning notes, and I wanna start stabbing people that look like ME.

BUDDAH ESKEW
“Iraq and Roll,” by Clint MF’n Black, has two of my least favorite things — Iraq and country music. Nuff said.

ANDREW HICKS
On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, 2001, a man named Daryl Worley was in a pit of creative despair. He had a ballad named “Have You Forgotten” that was filled to its brown teeth with horseshit, but he couldn’t come up with a good rhyme for the word “forgotten.” “Verboten” and “gelatin” looked like they should rhyme but were both pronounced differently. If Daryl slurred together “sure a hot one,” it kinda sounded close. Then the planes hit, the towers fell, and newscasters started talking about Osama bin Laden. The rest is awful, awful history.

J.MIZ
I’m just gonna say it: Neil Diamond, “America.” When we bring the kids to the fireworks, and that crap comes on, I have to take a knee. As ordered by the courts in ’97, after I stabbed some kid’s mom with a sparkler. That song makes me rage out, and it seems like a Rush song, like “When.will.this.fucking.end?”

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