17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

  • Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
  • Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
  • Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
  • Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
  • Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
  • Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
  • Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
  • Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.
  • Do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  • Give up chocolate. Completely. Okay, no I don’t.
  • Always wear clean underwear, so when I get sucked up into heaven, my mother won’t be embarrassed.
  • Finish every bottle of open shampoo in my house before I go out and buy more.
  • See the positives in life. So, the next time my cockatoo craps on me, I will refer to her bird shit as “love drops.”
  • Not be a drunken idiot in public. I cannot vouch for what happens at home.
  • Stop obsessing about any newly formed lines on my face. I can barely deal with the lines that have already accumulated.
  • Buy clothes in a color besides black.
  • Not trample anyone who is old, disabled or not of sound mental faculties in my rush to get through the pearly gates. Everyone else, well, ya know, redheads first. (That would be me!) As for the rest of you, the line forms to the rear.
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