Posts tagged ‘E.T.’

April 24, 2011

The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

    Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

  • Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
  • Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
  • There IS an “I” in “team.”
  • Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
  • There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
  • Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
  • Gay people really just want to be black.
  • Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
  • Children love rape. And porn.
  • A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
  • Earth girls are not easy.
  • Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
  • Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
  • Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
  • Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
  • NASCAR is OCD.
  • E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
  • There is no such thing as a Jedi.
  • Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
  • White people love disco.
  • My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
  • Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
  • The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
  • George W. Bush was not a crook!
  • While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
  • There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.
March 30, 2011

3DSC, Day 9: Song to play at someone you dislike’s funeral

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


WNF SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 9
BEST SONG TO PLAY AT SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE’S FUNERAL

SARACAKES

A happy sea lion, celebrating his promotion at work, seconds before being chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.

The Lion Sleeps Tonite,” at the funeral of some baby sea lions. (“A-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way…”) Cute and/or endangered animals seem a safe way to go.

ANDREW HICKS
It’s always cool to make fun of dead baby sea lions.

J.MIZ
Wouldn’t “In Da Club” by 50 Cent be apropos for dead baby seals as well?

BUDDAH ESKEW
My mother in-law. “Another One Bites the Dust.”

LINDSAY HARTLEY
I Hate Everyone” from Say Anything. Because… I fucking hate you.

J.MIZ
I grew up in Joliet, Ill. We had a lot of bridges. They scared me. So, for my driver’s ed teacher, who I’m sure broke eight laws a week and made me take ALL the bridges — suck on some Fergie as your send-off, you sick sadist fuck.

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