Posts tagged ‘2 Live Crew’

July 3, 2011

Our Favorite Presidents

by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)

George W. Bush — Just kidding.

Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.

John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.

William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!

Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!

Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*

James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!

Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!

Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.

Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.

Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!

William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!

Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.

*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo

April 29, 2011

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

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March 28, 2011

3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 8: STRANGEST SONG YOU’VE HAD SEX TO

The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

SCOTTY HARRIS
Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

SARACAKES
Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

J.MIZ
During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

ANDREW HICKS
I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

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