Posts tagged ‘Lady Gaga’

November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving ExtravaGaganza

by ANDREW J HICKS and ERTEL GRAY

Soundalike dance songs about turkeys. For an hour and a half. Enjoy, world!

The first Thanksgiving took place 490 years ago. Miles Standish deep fried a turkey, Pocahontas brought over a crapload of Boone’s Farm, and Squanto provided the blunts. Everyone ate, drank, smoked and listened to the music of the Thompson Twins*. Thus, a tradition was born.

The ins and outs of Thanksgiving remained relatively unchanged until 1887, when canned fruits and meats were introduced to the market. Suddenly, Thanksgiving was a time for turkey, Boone’s Farm, blunts and a bowl of jellied cranberry sauce, wiggling and still in the shape of the can. In the century-plus since, no one has ever actually eaten the cranberry sauce. It just sits there. It’s the Ringo Starr of the Turkey Day feast.

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June 18, 2011

Suburban Unemployment Blues

by EMILY TOOPS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Emily Toops seeks gainful employment as bench swing guarder. So far, all her bench swing guarding work has been done on a pro bono basis.

As a 19 year old who’s never held down a job, doesn’t have a driver’s license and isn’t planning on returning to college next year, I often hear phrases like, “You need to sort out your priorities,” “Get your life together, dammit,” and, “What did I do to deserve such a sorry excuse for a daughter?”

When I was a kid, I always assumed that at 19, I’d have accomplished all my dreams. I’d be a well-received actress living in a swanky apartment in Chicago’s super-elite Gold Coast neighborhood with my boyfriend Orlando Bloom, summer property in Barbados and Steve Martin on speed dial. I now realize in order to make this childhood dream come true, I do, in fact, need to get my life together and find me a job. Which isn’t as easy as it sounds.

A lot of the ol’ “go-to” ideas that instantly come to mind when considering first-time employment have already been exhausted. Babysitting isn’t going to happen. I hate children with an intensity that puts me somewhere between the psychos of lore who hand out arsenic-laced candy on Halloween and crotchety old people who like to scream at local young’uns to “get the hell off my lawn.” The kids who live in my neighborhood are tiny minions of Satan, and I’d sooner exorcise them than watch them for an hour. All the little bastards around here have nannies, anyway.

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May 8, 2011

3DSC, Day 14: Best song by a boy band or girl group

This pic stolen from Rofl Razzi.

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 14: FAVORITE SONG BY A BOY BAND OR GIRL GROUP

WOO
“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys not only has a nice soft groove to move to, it also serves as reminder that “Y” can be used as a vowel sound. (“Tell me why-eeeeee.”)

ANNE GARDNER
I wasnt really allowed to listen to secular music growing up, so I missed a lot. I was, however, “down with the DC Talk.” I liked that song, “That Kinda Girl,” about the perfect Christian woman. I felt like the boys were singing it just for me. I was, after all, the picture of virtuousness… Virtuosity… Virtuously…. Virtuism… Fuck it… Whatever…

WOO
I used to listen to this Messikan rapper named T-Bone who did Christian hip-hop. Of course, I always listened to secular too. I was rather lucky, as my parents took a religious hiatus from the time I was 9 until I was 19. I got to enjoy my teen years without psychotic restrictions on things like music and clothing. However, my attempts to draw a pentagram on the basement floor were always thwarted before I could get the candles lit.

ANNE GARDNER
I used to sneak-listen to New Kids on the Block. I loved their song “Hangin’ Tough” and had a poster of a cat on my wall hanging by just one paw from a clothes line or something. It was my private rebellion against my parents. And, I had a secret crush on Donnie Walhberg. I didn’t find out until later that it was his brother Mark that gave me the really good vibrations. #funkybunch

ANDREW HICKS
“MMMBop” is still damn catchy, and I bet in the years since, the members of Hanson have grown up to be some very stunning, handsome women.

C.J. DODD
“Judas” by Lady Gaga. I technically consider her recordings to be a “band performance” because she has two sets of genitals.

ANNE GARDNER
I heard somewhere that Gaga’s shoulder horns are going to start backup singing on her next tour.

EMILY TOOPS
Too bad Enrique Iglesias doesn’t count as a group. “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” is today’s answer to Frank Sinatra‘s “The Way You Look Tonight.”

Fun game: See how many of these haircuts you can spot during your next trip to Wal-Mart.

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March 8, 2011

Scariest Celebrity Women To Not Have Sex With

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

HILARY CLINTON
I predict there is a lot of pent-up sexual frustration here, and her penis is   bigger than Bill’s. So I’ve heard.

FRAN DRESCHER
The voice! The voice! Did I mention the voice?

ZSA ZSA GABOR
One foot in the grave is sexy. Zsa Zsa has both feet in, and they’re Size 14s. Too old? Well, yeah, but bottom line: Too wrinkled and dry.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Hot? Yes, in a certain light, though I shrink up like a scared turtle.

LADY GAGA
Can you say “dominatrix”?

DOLLY MADISON
Okay, she’s dead, that’s sick. However, any chick with snack cakes makes me hard.

MARILYN MANSON
This chick can sing, but there is just something about her…

SARAH PALIN
See LADY GAGA.

OPRAH WINFREY
Damned! Look at the bank account on this chick. Now look at her body.  Throwing up a little. OKAY, A LOT!

RENEE ZELLWEGER
I think she is doggy. I foresee a sequel: Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea.

No matter how tempted you are by fortune, fame or kickass snack cakes, do not — I repeat, DO NOT! — have sex with these celebrities.