Posts tagged ‘Bee Gees’

December 2, 2011

Glory Hole Bee Gee Hell: A WNF 3-Way

edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Liverpool, 1979: Mama Cass gets down and dirty at the Bee Gee glory hole.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
My bedroom window sucks as a glory hole. Nothing glorious about it.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh, the entire concept of a glory hole just… I don’t know if I can place that level of trust in an unseen, anonymous stranger. “Hi… Yep, first time… Anyway, here’s my peen.”

EMILY TOOPS
Agreed. I mean, you gotta be ballsy to use a glory hole.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
But not too ballsy, ’cause balls wont fit thru there.

ERTEL GRAY
My luck, on even my most sexually adventurous of days, I’d wind up on the business end of a scalpel-wielding psychopath known as the Glory Hole Weenis Collector or something. Course, the upside of being a eunuch is, I could always front a Bee Gees tribute band.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
Fuck yeah! I love the Bee Gees!

ERTEL GRAY
How many of them have died? The other two, right? I just heard Robin has some sort of cancer?

EMILY TOOPS
Yeah, I thought two of the three died of cancer. God hated those Brothers Gibb.

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February 23, 2011

Today in Music History

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

1961 Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.

"Spring breeeeaaaaakkk!!!"

1965 — First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.

1971 George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.

In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.

1978 — David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”

1978 Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.

1979 Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.

1985 Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).

‎1985 The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).

1988 Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).

1989 Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!

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February 19, 2011

___-Harmony

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

ANDREW HICKS
Online dating site for thugs: G-HARMONY.
…for last-ditch desperation: PLEA-HARMONY.
…for homosexual TV fanatics: GLEE-HARMONY
…for the mentally challenged: REE-REE-HARMONY.
…for little people: WEE-HARMONY.

WOO
Online dating site for itchy bitches: FLEA-HARMONY.
…for my flower pollinators out there: BEE-HARMONY.
…for middle-aged men looking for showpiece wives: TROPHY-HARMONY.
…for Will Smith fans: JIGGY-HARMONY.
…for hot-tubbers: JACUZZI-HARMONY.

J.MIZ
Online dating site for swingers: KEY-HARMONY.
…sponsored by NAMBLA: PRE-HARMONY.
…for “social” cocaine users: SKI-HARMONY.
…for dumb racist americans: TEA-HARMONY.
…for people with OCD: 1-2-3-HARMONY.

ANDREW HICKS
Online dating site for fellatio performance artists: KNEE-HARMONY.
…for extraterrestrial invaders: V-HARMONY.
…for French midget Nintendo lovers: OUI-WEE-WII-HARMONY.
…for the Greatest Of All Time: ALI-HARMONY.
…for Arbor Day enthusiasts: TREE-HARMONY.

WOO
Online dating site for skinheads: NAZI-HARMONY.
…‎867-5309.com: JENNY-HARMONY.
…for those who head out to the front porch with their boomboxes and St. Ides: 40-HARMONY.
…for the homies feelin’ Thuggish Ruggish: BONE THUGS AND HARMONY-HARMONY.
…for people who like to be absolutely sure… for people who like to be absolutely sure: REDUNDANCY-HARMONY.

J.MIZ
Online dating site that’s a real trip: LSD-HARMONY.
…where all your wishes will come true: GENIE-HARMONY.
…for cheese lovers: BRIE-HARMONY.
…for salad tossers: SYRUP OR JELLY-HARMONY.
…for HEY LOOK, A SQUIRREL! Wait, what?? ADD-HARMONY.

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