This Week in J.Miz, Volume 15

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Being fat on Halloween is an extra-special thing.

  • For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!
  • Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.
  • The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.
  • Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!
  • An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”
  • If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.
  • Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.
  • I’ve been more exhausted this weekend than a young mother nursing her newly born parasite… zzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • I WILL NEVER DO JAZZERCISE AGAIN! DON’T MAKE ME GO BACK THERE!
  • I broke up with my boyfriend. He said he’s upset thinking about me fucking someone else in the future. So I didn’t tell him about today.
  • ‎”Wokka wokka!” -Pacman
  • Whoever invented those mixes that are cookies and brownies simultaneously — yeah, that guy should get head six times a day by topless women who don’t speak English.
  • J.Miz is totally not on the toilet, looking at Facebook.
  • I’m 37, I’ve never been married, I don’t have any kids. I.Did.It. *wink and nod to Mr. Ted Alexandro*
  • Today would be a great day to spend in the bed sleeping. Or on the bed not sleeping.
  • My roommate has banned my cat from sleeping in my room. This takes the whole, “If I’m not getting pussy, nobody is!” to a whole new level.
  • I hate when I’m having sex, and the guy plays that, “Oops! It slipped! It was an accident!” You better do that shit with a sense of purpose!
  • I had THE MOST AMAZING sex last night! Or so I was told. When I woke up.
  • This kid just strolled by. Less than 10 minutes later, he rode by on a bike. #QuestionableBehaviour #ThisIsNotTheBurbs
  • The easiest way to put an end to spending so much time and energy on somebody you no longer care about is to just stop.  Stalking him.
  • Most of my friends are guys, which means I fuck most of my friends.
  • Most of the men I’ve dated were like AMAZING vacations! Nice places to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
  • My neighbour snores so loud, for a few minutes, I thought I was overhearing a conversation.
  • All of my tears have been collected over time and given to my loved ones in the form of laughter. It’s an amazing thing, that laughter.
  • Ignorance is bliss but must be short-lived if you seek true happiness.
  • Never pass up an opportunity to be kind or a chance to act with love as your motivation.
  • Being funny can win laughs, but being humble earns respect.
  • Shout out to the guy who pokes you on Facebook all day, but you dont.feel.a.thing. #LookingAtYou #YouAreTiny
  • Shout out to all my Facebook friends who update about going to the gym and LIE. You know we can SEE you, right?! #EatingPieRightNow
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