Posts tagged ‘Deodorant’

July 23, 2011

17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

  • Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
  • Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
  • Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
  • Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
  • Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
  • Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
  • Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
  • Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.
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