Quick Text, Long Regret

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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The Quick Text app is great for sending frequently used phrases like, “Be home soon” and “Call you when I get off work.” But members of our writing staff have complained that Quick Text’s prewritten suggestions don’t suit their specific common texting needs. Now WNF has a plug-in upgrade package that is guaranteed to save you time at least twice per week. –AH

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20 New Quick Text Phrases

1. Out of crack, please stop.
2. You forgot your panties.
3. Meet me where we killed that guy.
4. Bring your paycheck directly home.
5. You are NOT the father.
6. I really respect your opinion and independence as a woman.
7. Grandma says you used all her lotion again. Call me on Tuesday.
8. You were right, I’ve got AIDS.
9. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Lemme get that booty call.
10. Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior?
11. Can’t talk now, I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special.
12. I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.
13. What a coincidence. Rutherford B. Hayes is MY favorite one-term president too!
14. What was your name again?
15. Just saw the blackest baby EVER!
16. You left the braunschweiger out on the counter again.
17. I simply pooped my pants, and he let me off with a warning. I’m telling you, it’s the male equivalent of cleavage.
18. I got 5 on it.
19. Herpes is the curable one, right?
20. Sorry, too busy to waste my time on your skanky ass.

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CONTRIBUTORS: J.Miz, James Draper, Andrew Hicks, Justin Olomon, Jeff Bailey, Woo, Angie Rosenberg