Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

QUESTION: What enduring popular songs or music acts can you absolutely not stand?

J.MIZ: I hate anything by The Doors. I hate Metallica. I hate Trent Reznor — the only time I’d use a strap-on on a d00d. I never ever liked Nirvana. Madonna suck began with Ray of Light. I like one Led Zeppelin song. And I really don’t give two shits about Smashing Pumpkins.

ANDREW HICKS: I’ve been going to regular karaoke for almost a decade, and there are a handful of cliches whose single opening notes instantly and eternally grate on me. Bob Seger‘s “Turn the Page” might be the most heinous offender. Faith Hill‘s “Breathe,” Martina McBride‘s “My Daughter’s Eyes” and “I Hope You Dance” from Lee Ann Womack are the trifecta of suicidally bad chick adult-contemporary country.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: “Mickey.” Toni Basil is a fucking cock tease. First she wants to go home, then she wants him around. Back and forth. Also, what kind of dipshit woman tells her man he’s pretty? And, on a personal level, “Mickey” rhymes with “Vickie.” Why do people think I want this song, damn clapping and all, sung to me?

C.J. DODD: I hate Ke$ha. The dollar sign in her name comes from the large amount of single dollar bills she received when she sold out.

ANNE GARDNER: “I Honestly Love You,” by Olivia Newton John. Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Honestly.

WOO: Anything by bands with the name of a city — Boston, Chicago, etc. Fuck em all! And anything by The Eagles. Used to love them, now can’t stand them at all since that Hell Freezes Over bullshit.

MICHELLE DEE: Get over it, Woo… I hate anything by Olivia Newton John. Her voice makes my teeth ache. I also hate “We’re Not Gonna Take It” from Twisted Sister.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: ‎“Jump,” by Van Halen. I’ve never felt my life was so pathetic that my only remaining option was to stand by a record machine and jump in the air. “You might as well jump.” Um, no thank you.

C.J. DODD: Ke$ha is the only artist who sounds like she’d gargle cum at the drop of a hat. I don’t even mean while singing her lyrics, just when she talks. Ke$ha makes coked-up, bald-headed Britney Spears seem sane.

ANNE GARDNER: “Free Fallin’.” Tom Cruise forever ruined it for me. All I hear every time it’s on is his off-key singing from Jerry Maguire. Not that I was a huge fan of it before that. Also, “Brown Eyed Girl,” “Celebration” and “YMCA.” Maybe if wedding DJs would give them a rest for a decade or two, we could pull them back out as “oldies but goodies.” Right now, they make me feel like I’m being nagged.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: “Walk the Dinosaur.” “Red Red Wine.” “Love Shack.” And “Jessie’s Girl” makes me think of sloppy seconds. *puke* And my fucking all-time HATE? Beyonce‘s “Halo.” I’m a super crazy music fiend, so this question has me all fired up.

ANDREW HICKS: Message to every female within a 100-mile radius: Please don’t ever make me sing “Love Shack” with you again.

ANNE GARDNER: And anything by Elvis. I don’t get what the big deal was/is. I think if he hadn’t OD’d, he would have ended up like Barry Manilow or maybe even John Tesh. Let the man and his music rest in peace already.

J.MIZ: Yeah, Elvis too. And Johnny Cash.

ANDREW HICKS: I’m not a big Elvis fan, either. The sucker was simple and plain.

WOO: The Grateful Dead makes me want to decapitate teddy bears.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER: Jennifer, you hate Johnny Cash? WTF… Anyway, for me it’s gotta be “Stairway to Heaven” for the song. As for classic acts I don’t like, I would go with the Steve Miller Band and The Doors. Really don’t get into Steely Dan either.

C.J. DODD: Ke$ha managed to find the Make Me Sound Like Fucking Shit button on the auto-tuner, then masking-taped it down. Every one of her songs has the same essential beat — sadly, I can’t even come up with a good domestic abuse play on the word “beat” on this one.

ANDREW HICKS: There’s a whole subcategory of songs that began to stab through my skull once my old roommates started trying to learn them on guitar for hours on end in our living room. “Wish You Were Here,” “House of the Rising Sun,” “Sunshine of Your Love” and “Smoke on the Water” are Exhibits A-D.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER: I had a roommate who I swear only owned two CDs, those being Red Hot Chili Peppers‘ “Californication” and Rancid‘s “And Out Come the Wolves.” I swear to you, 18 to 19 hours out of every day, those things played on a frickin’ loop. I never really liked Rancid, so that was bad enough. I used to like RHCP, but I cannot stand them now. Even classic Frusciante-era stuff is like nails on a chalkboard now.

ANNE GARDNER: What about the continual play of a song after a brutal breakup? “I Will Survive,” “Can’t Live if Living is Without You,” “Cruel Summer,” “One More Night.” Pull it together already, girl! (In all fairness, Phil Collins was already on the hate list.)

ANDY HUBER: The song “Bodies” by Drowning Pool. I hate that song so much. Seriously, these lyrics are horrible — all he does is count to three, and each time he says a number, he follows with the same line over and over. Then back to the chorus, where “Let the bodies hit the floor” is repeated ad nauseum. From a musician’s standpoint, someone should take away these guys’ money and contract because they suck so much.

ANDREW HICKS: Huber, did you know the lead singer of Drowning Pool’s dead lifeless body was found (no joke) on the floor, and it was believed that he choked on his vomit? Choked on a drowning pool of vomit, if you will. Speaking of shitty songs where the singer counts on a preschool level, “Back at One” by Bryan McKnight is one of my absolute least favorite songs.

MIKE MAYBERRY: She and Him annoys me, because it’s mediocre music that gets a lot of attention by virtue of being made by an innocuous famous person. Also, I’ve spent the better part of a decade trying to like Aesop Rock, but I don’t even understand what he is saying half the time, and I’ve decided I hate him. Oh, and fuck Usher!

WOO: This thread gives me a hate.

C.J. DODD: I will pay a man five hundred dollars to shove his fist inside Ke$ha’s awful, awful Arby’s sandwich of a vagina and box her stomach until she bleeds out. Just typing this made me mad. I’m going for a beer.

%d bloggers like this: