Possession 101

by MICHELLE DEE

[Editor’s Note: We’ve previously underestimated our popularity with the ethereal and undead. Please accept this piece as our apology to you, you demonic bastards.]

1. You are weak. You are a fucking ghost/demon. An entity from the SPIRITUAL world. YOU HAVE NO PHYSICALITY.

2. Energy must be drawn from human emotion. Fear and anger are the quickest ways to go about this and, let’s face it, the most fun.*

3. You must start out small, planting the seed into your victim’s–er, resident’s–mind that you are there.  Do things like toss keys on the ground, knock things over or move small things out of their usual spots.

4. After that, you can do more obnoxious things that effect them financially. Turning on their water faucets or electronics, for instance.  You have the power to make it extremely cold in pockets of the house. Try to hang out by the thermostat. This is effective to achieve the anger we mentioned earlier.  Also, messing with kitchen cabinets and doors might seem lame, but do it just to watch the look on their faces. BWAHAHAHAHA!

You can also make yourself known to beings who can’t yet communicate, such as dogs or babies. Many a case of schizophrenia started out this very way.

5.  Now it’s time to establish more fear by making things go bump in the night. You know, sounds like footsteps, rattling dishes, tapping and banging on walls. This technique is even more effective when the party is alone, therefore making it possible by other members to dismiss it and cause rifts in the relationship. Showers** are particularly nice. Also, audible growling or moaning and making your shadowy presence known should really freak them out.

6. Once you have practiced physical contact enough, start screwing with their hair and sheets at night. I have found breathing on their necks to be especially effective. Mess with the dog or baby some more, but if you take them out of the kennel or crib, put them back. Don’t be a douche! It will keep them safe for some good times later when you’re bored, unless they can manage to draw significant attention to you. In that case, knock them the fuck out! Oh, and you may be tempted to try to levitate your victims. You cannot. Seriously. This isn’t a fucking movie. You’ll just throw your back out.

7. If you haven’t successfully deteriorated them psychologically by now, you fail at afterlife. Give up immediately. However, if you have successfully accomplished a state of emotional breakdown, pick the weakest member, and drag their ass into the basement. Why the basement? Their dumb asses are scared of going down there as it is. You must then sink your freaky demonic teeth into them. Demonic possession can only be passed via spiritual saliva and plaque. It can take between 24 and 48 hours for the possession to fully take effect. In the interim, you can play Sudoku in your malevolent mind.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed your first possession!

*Although if you can nudge them in the direction of willfully opening communication, you are on the fast track to much of this. Examples are ouija boards and séances.

**Also, it’s typical for people to leave their shower curtains closed. They do this to themselves, and it freaks them out! Score points by making the shower curtain shake, but when they rip it open, be sure not to be there. Be behind them, giving them bunny ears.

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