Posts tagged ‘Ke$ha’

March 17, 2011

3DSC, Day 4: A song that infuriates you

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 4: A SONG THAT INFURIATES YOU

"COLLECTION OF BUTCHERY IN MY TOOL SHED! / FEMALE HEADS AND ENTRAILS HANG FROM THE CEILING! / RATS FEASTING ON CHUNKS OF SKIN! / SHIT AND BLOOD STAINS SMEARED ON THE FLOOR! / NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!"

SCOTTY HARRIS
Any song that contains use of “words” that can’t be found in a dictionary. By that, I mean rap, whatever that screaming crap is where they change pitch but never actually say anything, and a surprisingly large number of country songs.

J.MIZ
Ugh, I hate screamo Cookie Monster music too. “Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And I hate country, save for some old stuff or the more pop-sounding new stuff.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I really fucking hate the Ween song “Push th’ Little Daisies.” Not only is the song irritating like a “Judging Amy “marathon, but I also find the abbreviated “the” to be so incredibly fucking stupid that I very nearly don’t have the words. Fuck this song. Fuck this band and the two douchebags it’s comprised of with their made up fucking rhymefest names.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I fucking hate WEEN!

J.MIZ
I hate weenises.

MICHELLE DEE
American Pie.” That’s right, I went there. Hate that song ever since I started frequenting karaoke. What kind of timecow are you to sing “American Pie” when 25 other people only have 3.5 hours to sing as many songs as they can?

Jenny Lewis. Don't worry, we haven't heard of her either.

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March 10, 2011

Vag-a-Bond

A TASTEFUL J.MIZ DISCUSSION
edited by ANDREW HICKS


J.MIZ
Riding in the car with my brother, and he’s flipping radio stations. His moment of resignation unfortunately came from a station that went from Luda to Ke$ha. HALP! Think I have a brain bleed ):

ANDREW J HICKS
Speaking of Ke$ha, you can’t spell “vagabond” without “vag.”

J.MIZ
You can’t spell “dick” without… “dick.”
Why did my brain just create a combo of Gold Bond/denture cream for pussy?! “Vag-a-Bond! Keeps you fresh AND reduces slippage by sealing your vag tight as the day you were born! Vag-a-Bond!”
Testimonial: “I’m wearing it right now!”
Cue salsa music and two 70-somethings dancing in Puerto Rico… “Oy vey, I need a nap…” VAG-A-BOND!

ANDREW J HICKS
I dunno. Maybe I’m just biased against 70-year-old vaginas.

J.MIZ
Hey man, don’t knock 70-year-old vag till ya try it! Especially with all the strides in vagiplasty! On my 40th birthday, I’m going in for a “preteen” nip and tuck!
“Yeah, she’s forty, but she has the pussy of a ten year old!” says my future husband/celebrity pedo. And by “celebrity,” I mean he’s had a sit-down with Chris Hansen. He was the one with the four pack of purple Four Loko and the red vines. He gets out in 2013! Can’t wait! Excite! (:
And Andrew, there comes a time when you must choose between 70-year-old cooch and 70- year-old balls! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“In a world… where all genitalia is 70… there is one man, and one man only… who will fight to renew the junk of this post-apocalyptic world… This man is THE TAINT MASTER! He alone can bring youth to a cold, dead world’s nether regions!”
Starring Bruce Campbell as Andrew P Keaton.
Jus so you know, J.Miz had the best junk discussion today!

ANDREW J HICKS
It’s Ke$ha. Say what you will about her, but she really gets us ordinary Americans talking about elderly junk like no recording artist since maybe Grace Jones.

J.MIZ
She’s sooooo young, but she has the puss of the Crypt Keeper! Ah heh heh he heh!

January 28, 2011

Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

QUESTION: What enduring popular songs or music acts can you absolutely not stand?

J.MIZ: I hate anything by The Doors. I hate Metallica. I hate Trent Reznor — the only time I’d use a strap-on on a d00d. I never ever liked Nirvana. Madonna suck began with Ray of Light. I like one Led Zeppelin song. And I really don’t give two shits about Smashing Pumpkins.

ANDREW HICKS: I’ve been going to regular karaoke for almost a decade, and there are a handful of cliches whose single opening notes instantly and eternally grate on me. Bob Seger‘s “Turn the Page” might be the most heinous offender. Faith Hill‘s “Breathe,” Martina McBride‘s “My Daughter’s Eyes” and “I Hope You Dance” from Lee Ann Womack are the trifecta of suicidally bad chick adult-contemporary country.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: “Mickey.” Toni Basil is a fucking cock tease. First she wants to go home, then she wants him around. Back and forth. Also, what kind of dipshit woman tells her man he’s pretty? And, on a personal level, “Mickey” rhymes with “Vickie.” Why do people think I want this song, damn clapping and all, sung to me?

C.J. DODD: I hate Ke$ha. The dollar sign in her name comes from the large amount of single dollar bills she received when she sold out.

ANNE GARDNER: “I Honestly Love You,” by Olivia Newton John. Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Honestly.

WOO: Anything by bands with the name of a city — Boston, Chicago, etc. Fuck em all! And anything by The Eagles. Used to love them, now can’t stand them at all since that Hell Freezes Over bullshit.

MICHELLE DEE: Get over it, Woo… I hate anything by Olivia Newton John. Her voice makes my teeth ache. I also hate “We’re Not Gonna Take It” from Twisted Sister.

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