Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 1

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

Excerpted from comments on a Facebook wall post.

DRIFT: I buy non-biodegradable Styrofoam in bulk. I buy so much of it, I can’t use it all and end up burying large portions of it in my backyard, completely unused.

C.J.: You do not, you big fucking fibber. You buy a certain amount of Styrofoam, use said amount, then properly dispose of that amount. Then you go home, get on your Tumblr and blog about your good deed for your three followers to read. Hilariously enough, they’re all members of the Audubon Society.

DRIFT: FUCK YOU THAT’S OFFENSIVE! I DON’T HAVE A TUMBLR.

C.J.: YOU ALSO HAVE A XANGA.

DRIFT: Not since ’06.

C.J.: ‎Wooooow.

DRIFT: HOLY FUCK, IT’S STILL UP! I’m reading the posts. This is embarrassing.

C.J.: Copy and paste your angst for us, please. Also, I’m just as surprised it’s still up.

DRIFT: NOOOOO. Fuck a bunch of that.

C.J.: Come on, Driiiiiift. We want to laaaaaaugh.

DRIFT: Ughhh. I’m talking about getting baptized into the Mormon church. And there’s junior high-era copy-and-pasted AIM conversations. Jesus Christttt.

C.J.: I just checked my private LiveJournal. August 5th, 2005, was the first post about one of my exes. Also, I had a public account before that for years. Oh God.

DRIFT: February 09, 2006 — I’m complaining about my dad not letting me participate in my grade school spelling bee because I was sick. Even going as far as saying, “This is bullcrap.” Powerful words.

C.J.: Tuesday, November 1st, 2005

I never thought in my life I would be saying the following words.

Fuck Gilmore Girls.

No new episode on a Tuesday where I skip a Harry Potter meeting at college and play practice?! Fuck that shit. Now I’m mad.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

DRIFT: Hahahaha. I’d forgotten how horrible my life was. Who knew now wasn’t the low point?

C.J.: That is truly saddening.

DRIFT: January 31, 2006 (age 13)

I’m watching the State of the Union Address… God, he is SUCH an embarrassment to our country… I’ve decided to become a Vegan.

C.J: Chat transcript:

‎”imafreak242: and before i go… what makes you think i dont like you? maybe you should think about that cuz if i do actually start to like you its not very comfortable hearing you make out or kiss girls… just thought u’d like to know

C.J.: Oh that Whitney, ever with her headgames. I hear her divorce went well.

DRIFT: I posted what I checked out from the library on January 24, 2006, because apparently I thought people would find that important:

Books:
The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ
Religion For Dummies
Gordon B. Hinckley — Standing For Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts And Homes
M. Russell Ballard — Our Search For Jesus: An Invitation To Understand The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Richard L. Bushman — Joseph Smith And The Beginnings of Mormonism
Ray B. West, Jr. — Kingdom of the Saints: The Story of Brigham Young and the Mormons
Joseph E. Brown — The Mormon Trek West: The Journey of American Exiles
Samuel W. Taylor — Nightfall at Nauvoo
Paul Hawthorne — Nauvoo

C.J.: No wonder it took you so long to get laid.

DRIFT: I was seventeen. Not bad. What I got laid with is a different matter. But seventeen? Pretty good.

C.J.: Whoops. Just found my first movie script. A sample? Sure.

Casey — It’s prom night. What’s the first thing any girl says to the others? “Your dress looks so pretty. I love it!” Even to the fat ones. This is a bold-faced lie.
Alan — How so?
Casey — Being born a woman is being born into a life of competition to look better than everyone else by proxy. Even the most hideous of women feels that they are superior to the rest of their gender. But they have to keep up a facade of being friends with the others so that everyone around them doesn’t hate them.
Alan — Why is that?
Casey — Because even generals are nothing without soldiers. Ever heard of pack leaders? That girl has dominated her so-called friends. They are her lackies, from now until forevermore.

DRIFT: From a Xanga survey I took in Jan ’06:

Most Missed Memory: Seeing Bree walk away earlier today…..

C.J.: Dat ass. Dat Mormon ass.

DRIFT: Mmm. And thirteen at that.

C.J.: Grrr.

DRIFT:

Current clothes: Blue bellbottoms, red t-shirt.
Three things I love: 1) Brianna’s eyes, 2) Brianna’s smile, 3) Brianna’s hair, etc.

C.J.: Oh good god, man.

DRIFT: Also, my nickname at the time of this Xanga that I tried to get people to call me was Krokus Thorogood. After the shitty ’80s glam metal band and George Thorogood. I literally should have killed myself.

C.J.: Oh, if only I had known the things I would masturbate to later on in life…

Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
I… I couldn’t stand watching all of SWAP.avi.
This shattered my fucking reality.
I thought I was invincible.
Nothing could make me queasy or upset me.
BUT THESE GIRLS WERE SHITTING IN EACH OTHER’S MOUTH, EATING IT, SMEARING IT ON EACH OTHER, VOMITING ON EACH OTHER’S ASSHOLES, IN EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS, ON THE SHIT AND EATING THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?!?!!!?!

DRIFT: Haha, I’ve jerked it to that.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2 of “Drift and C.J.: The Early Years.”

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