Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 2

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following post was excerpted by myself from comments on a Facebook wall post, in which our protagonists — Drift and C.J. — spontaneously mined their old Xanga and LiveJournal diaries. To read Part 1, click here. –Andrew Hicks]

C.J.:[From 2007]

Don’t you just wanna punch everyone in the face when they ask,
“You’re sick? How’d you get sick?”
OH I DUNNO BITCH, MAYBE SOME MICROSCOPIC SHIT HAPPENED THAT I WASN’T AWARE OF?

DRIFT: [Online survey question and response.]

Ever… Get drunk? Never, and never will.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Sex on the first date? NO

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fag.

Ever looked a porn online? Yes, I used to all the time… I’m ashamed of it now…

HAHAHAHAHA.

CJ.: HAHAHAHAAHA

C.J.: Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

So, apparently I’m considered an adult now. Cuz I have a “job.” And am “over 18.” And “have 4 children on child support with their whore of a mother.”
And yet you’ll more than likely find me on Glen Oak Playground past 9:00 pm, sitting, chatting with friends or playing tag.
Growing up? It’s just a passing trend.
Maturity? A concept. A laughable one at that.
Dead baby jokes? Yep, still funny.

DRIFT: You there is where I’m at now. Fucking creepy.

 

DRIFT: Poem I posted January 11, 2006 (age 13):

Withheld in the eyes of distant sorrows,
bleed the miracles of blessed tomorrows.
And for such a reason,
…but only for her,
cast the teardrops,
of serephic grandeur.
JESUS CHRIST.

C.J.: The fuck is a serephic.

DRIFT: I meant seraphic. I didn’t have spell check then.

C.J: Saturday, August 18th, 2007. “Return to Hogwarts” audition joke. I’d just found out I got the part of Sirius Black.

GhettoAelan: CJ, I wish I was as cool as you
Dark Blade Shot: Well, I didn’t get Harry, so I’m not super cool.
GhettoAelan: You didn’t?
Dark Blade Shot: nope
GhettoAelan: Are you serious?
Dark Blade Shot: Actually, funny you should say that.

DRIFT: Tuesday, January 03, 2006

“I need a hug… please, somebody… I’m lonely…”

^ A comic’s personality in perfect adolescent summation.

C.J.: Monday, September 17th, 2007

For a nice laugh, Rachelle was in Target yesterday when I was working. She didn’t see me, but it’s kinda hard to miss her.
Because of her ass.
Hanging out in the main aisle…
From the back aisle…
She’s got a fat ass. That’s what I’m getting at.

DRIFT: Goddamn. I should have killed myself so hard. Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I’m feeling particulary artistically motivated tonight… I may write some more of a book I started right before Christmas break… I hope to get it published in a couple years, if not, then after I become famous as a singer/songwriter. I’m gonna be real famous in a few years, I know it. I’m different than most people, I have to write songs and poetry and stories… I have to show my feelings, my pain, my love… And I love doing it. It’s a very satisfying thing for me to do…

C.J.: [6:26am]

Dark Blade Shot: Oh, teenage girl mockery. Does it ever get old? No, no it doesn’t.
HeatherB: iiiii still liiiiiiiiiiike it
Dark Blade Shot: You just eat anything disney puts on the plate in front of you
Dark Blade Shot: HAVE SOME HANNAH MONTANA
Dark Blade Shot: “OK NOM NOM NOM
Dark Blade Shot: HAVE SOME CORY IN THE HOUSE
Dark Blade Shot: “OK NOM NOM NOM”
Dark Blade Shot: HAVE SOME POISONED BARB WIRE
Dark Blade Shot: “OK NOM NOM -“
Dark Blade Shot: The “-” is the part where you internally bleed to death from force feeding yourself the poisoned barb wire Disney is feeding you, in case you didn’t catch that.

DRIFT: Goddamnit, I have not gotten any less pathetic. Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I have no idea of almost anything at this point. Usually music can calm me down or make me feel better in any situation, not this one. Not now and not then. Nothing is certain, okay, people? Remember that. Not everybody who reads this is gonna live a long, happy life. Some of you will die before you want to. Some of you will lose somebody you loved. Some of you will never find love, from and for others.
There’s more to be said… I can’t handle it right now, though.

C.J.: Oh, Drift, guess who wrote this one? Spoiler alert: It was Kelly.

“I don’t mean to be vain, but every other guy only likes me because i’m nice to look at, and it goes deeper with you, and you always make me laugh, HARD, and you’re unbeliveably witty, you’re cute as hell, you’ve got the best smile ever, and I feel warm and tingley when you hold me”

“And then, I’m going to date other men behind your back!”

DRIFT: ‎…This is literally the worst Facebook thread of all time.

C.J.: Or the best.

DRIFT: I regret everything about this.

C.J.: Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

Dark Blade Shot: They asked me to come in for 3 extra hours tomorrow. I was supposed to have the day off.
HeatherB: i would come annoy you. but i’m hanging out by the pool
Dark Blade Shot: chillin out, maxin, relaxin all cool?
Dark Blade Shot: Or are you shootin some b-ball outside of the school?
Dark Blade Shot: WHEN A COUPLE A GUYS THEY WERE UP TO NO GOOD STARTED MAKIN TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
Dark Blade Shot: I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY MOM GOT SCARED
Dark Blade Shot: BECAUSE SHE HATES BLACK PEOPLE
Dark Blade Shot: :(
Dark Blade Shot: lulz
HeatherB: i hope you’re happy! and that was horrible!
Dark Blade Shot: I got a cheap lulz in at that
Dark Blade Shot: And I bet you did too
HeatherB: so? -shifty eyes-
Dark Blade Shot: bwahahaha

DRIFT: I need a drink after reading all this.

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